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re: What's the OTs thoughts/experiences with putting life on hold for elder care?
Posted on 8/11/26 at 6:30 pm to Turnblad85
Posted on 8/11/26 at 6:30 pm to Turnblad85
quote:I guess we owe him something.
What's the OTs thoughts/experiences with putting life on hold for elder care?
He was there for us at 5:29pm every weekday evening-
“We now take you live and direct to the CBS Evening News….”
Posted on 8/11/26 at 6:37 pm to Trevaylin
quote:
There is a recent movie called Queen Bees. Describes extremely well the transition of an elderly woman from living in her house to an assisted living situation. Interactions with Daughter, grandson, new quarters management, new friends enemies, and new love with a few strokes and heart attacks along the way. great flick for elderly needing help and care givers providing help. Great date nite movie
Just wanted to state that my parent’s photo, from their 70th wedding anniversary, is shown in the ending credits of that movie, released in 2021. My parents are no longer with us, and we, my siblings, were extremely fortunate in that our lives were not disrupted to any significant degree in their last couple years of life but they had prepared for this to minimize any burden to us children and the resources were available for their care.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 7:07 pm to LouisianaLady
I've been looking into a Jimmy Buffett retirement home in Florida. This whole experience has confirmed that I made the right decision to not have kids.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 7:08 pm to CrawDude
I salute you and your parents
Posted on 8/11/26 at 7:59 pm to Turnblad85
20 years, three family members. Dad in 2003, Mom in 2017, Uncle in 2021.
My wife worked to cover the bills, we have no children, plus we live very simply. Everything paid for. She lost her parents at 18 so she knew how tough it is, so she let me go do what I had to do.
My sister refused to help me until the very end, but didn't tell me until everyone was already dead that she just couldn't stand to see her parents whither and die. She still took her half though.
I don't recommend it. Changing my mother's diapers for the last month of her life, well, that was an experience I don't wish to relive.
My wife worked to cover the bills, we have no children, plus we live very simply. Everything paid for. She lost her parents at 18 so she knew how tough it is, so she let me go do what I had to do.
My sister refused to help me until the very end, but didn't tell me until everyone was already dead that she just couldn't stand to see her parents whither and die. She still took her half though.
I don't recommend it. Changing my mother's diapers for the last month of her life, well, that was an experience I don't wish to relive.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 8:01 pm to LSUweights
quote:
Having lost my daughter earlier this year at the age of 3
I’m so sorry to hear that, buddy. I wish you peace of mind and strength to get through that. Also, I hope you have another child to comfort you.
This post was edited on 8/11/26 at 8:02 pm
Posted on 8/11/26 at 8:13 pm to Turnblad85
Turning your back on elderly family is a recent (and primarily American) institution in Human Society.
Same as elderly family members (like grandparents) refusing to help with child care and similar issues.
In the history of mankind, we are the first Society to normalize cutting ties with offspring and expecting them to "make their own way" once they get to a certain age, and to also not feel inclined to help care for family if it interferes with our wants.
The Great Depression is what normalized this practice.
My family is very close and enjoys each other's company. I am relying on my parents and Aunts and Uncles to help with my daughter, and they can rely on me to do whatever I can to help them in the coming years when they will need it.
It's not an imposition if you truly care for someone.
Same as elderly family members (like grandparents) refusing to help with child care and similar issues.
In the history of mankind, we are the first Society to normalize cutting ties with offspring and expecting them to "make their own way" once they get to a certain age, and to also not feel inclined to help care for family if it interferes with our wants.
The Great Depression is what normalized this practice.
My family is very close and enjoys each other's company. I am relying on my parents and Aunts and Uncles to help with my daughter, and they can rely on me to do whatever I can to help them in the coming years when they will need it.
It's not an imposition if you truly care for someone.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:11 pm to BurlesonCountyAg
quote:
If the mom lived an additional 13 years she couldn’t have been in that bad of shape at the beginning.
I've known people that live a long time as dependents
My aunt spent a decade with Alzheimer's.
A friends father spent 12 years with a colostomy bag and most of those years he had an infection that would open up and drain every few months. People thought the grim reaper had simply forgotten about him.
I think a big part of my OP story is that the mom lived fairly rural and once she couldn't drive, she was house bound.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:16 pm to LouisianaLady
quote:
Nobody will be living in my home. It is 3 stories… intentionally
Oh thats easy, move yourself upstairs and turn the first floor into an old folks home.
Youre Welcome!
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:20 pm to Turnblad85
A story from NOLA.
Friends a decade olde than us.
He was a good friend, his wife was too busy taking care of her Mother. Her Mother had volunteered at a nursing home, hated the place and made her daughter swear NEVER to put her in a nursing home EVER. Regardless of infirmity.
Wife was worn out physically and mentally.
Then Katrina hit, took out their house as well as MIL's.
We lost track of them. Search showed they had left NOLA for a midwestern state where he died soon after the move. No word of his MIL and wife.
Friends a decade olde than us.
He was a good friend, his wife was too busy taking care of her Mother. Her Mother had volunteered at a nursing home, hated the place and made her daughter swear NEVER to put her in a nursing home EVER. Regardless of infirmity.
Wife was worn out physically and mentally.
Then Katrina hit, took out their house as well as MIL's.
We lost track of them. Search showed they had left NOLA for a midwestern state where he died soon after the move. No word of his MIL and wife.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:27 pm to magildachunks
If only everyone could be as perfect as you are.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:32 pm to iluvdatiger
quote:
made the right decision to not have kids.
Let me know if you decide to change your mind.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:43 pm to iluvdatiger
You sound tired. Hopefully you have some help whether paid or another relative can give breaks. Nothing wrong moving him in with you and using his ss to help pay for his care so that you can keep your job and home. Tell anyone who disagrees they are welcome to take over.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:47 pm to stogie5150
quote:
Changing my mother's diapers for the last month of her life, well, that was an experience I don't wish to relive.
She changed your diapers for more than a month and more.
That's the least you could do for her.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:48 pm to LSUweights
Sorry for the loss of your baby girl
Posted on 8/11/26 at 9:57 pm to Turnblad85
quote:
How much would you do for your parent before it's "too much"?
Had it happen.
We viewed it from the perspective of whether or not my mother would want me to quit my job and stop earning money for the family or even move closer to her for that reason.
Obviously she would not have wanted that.
We sold her house and used her finances to pay for her living expenses and for most of her healthcare costs not covered by insurance. We moved her closer to me and my family.
Eventually her deteriorating health meant she had to be in a memory care unit. When she ran out of money we used a Miller Trust to get her qualified for Medicaid. Then she was placed on hospice care…for years.
It was rough but my family knows we did the right thing. My siblings were grateful we were able to help her.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 10:42 pm to magildachunks
Things to ask before you take this on:
Can you pick them up off the floor if they fall? Even if you're strong, a 100 lb little old lady is surprisingly heavy if she's dead weight and can't help you.
Are you ready for behavioral changes? Very common in dementia. Are you ready for them to accuse you of stealing from them? The scary hallucinations that make them violent? What are you going to do if they start wandering?
Are you willing to sacrifice your kids' college fund for your parents' care? That's a choice some people face. Would your parents want you to do that if they were in their right mind?
What's your backup plan if you need a break, or God forbid if you get sick? 24-7 caregiving is Hella stressful.
It's easy to say what you would do if you haven't walked in those shoes. I was in that club. The anxiety was constant. Every text or phone call you get you think it's an emergency. I spent many hours in hospital rooms and ERs. My sweet mother physically attacked me in the throes of one of her hallucinations. I watched both my parents take their last breath. Those scenes are permanently burned into my memory.
Ii'm glad I was able to do it, but I'm not patting myself on the back. I made plenty of mistakes and I still second guess myself about things I should have done differently. I've done some hard things in my life, but this was the hardest bar none. It took a toll on me. I won't judge someone who decides they arent up to it.
Can you pick them up off the floor if they fall? Even if you're strong, a 100 lb little old lady is surprisingly heavy if she's dead weight and can't help you.
Are you ready for behavioral changes? Very common in dementia. Are you ready for them to accuse you of stealing from them? The scary hallucinations that make them violent? What are you going to do if they start wandering?
Are you willing to sacrifice your kids' college fund for your parents' care? That's a choice some people face. Would your parents want you to do that if they were in their right mind?
What's your backup plan if you need a break, or God forbid if you get sick? 24-7 caregiving is Hella stressful.
It's easy to say what you would do if you haven't walked in those shoes. I was in that club. The anxiety was constant. Every text or phone call you get you think it's an emergency. I spent many hours in hospital rooms and ERs. My sweet mother physically attacked me in the throes of one of her hallucinations. I watched both my parents take their last breath. Those scenes are permanently burned into my memory.
Ii'm glad I was able to do it, but I'm not patting myself on the back. I made plenty of mistakes and I still second guess myself about things I should have done differently. I've done some hard things in my life, but this was the hardest bar none. It took a toll on me. I won't judge someone who decides they arent up to it.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 11:56 pm to Turnblad85
quote:
But raising kids ,while challenging, is usually filling with joy and rewards. Watching a parent slowly die is totally different.
different in the sense that you shouldn't have to watch it because it's hard? Grow up.
Posted on 8/12/26 at 12:23 am to Jim Rockford
quote:
Things to ask before you take this on:
Can you pick them up off the floor if they fall? Even if you're strong, a 100 lb little old lady is surprisingly heavy if she's dead weight and can't help you.
Are you ready for behavioral changes? Very common in dementia. Are you ready for them to accuse you of stealing from them? The scary hallucinations that make them violent? What are you going to do if they start wandering?
Went through all this with my grandma. It's not a big imposition if everyone is involved. She had daughters, sons, SILs/DILs, grandchildren, etc. All providing help to care for her.
Like I said: we are a close family.
It's a shame that is a difficult concept for most people to grasp.
Posted on 8/12/26 at 5:02 am to LouisianaLady
quote:
my grandma retired from bartending at 85 and moved to assisted living
Is she bartending in the assisted living? Seems like a good side hustle for cash with a captive audience.
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