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Message
What's the OTs thoughts/experiences with putting life on hold for elder care?
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:13 pm
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:13 pm
I'll give an IRL example of a friend of a friend.
Unmarried but girlfriend. No kids. He was 43 and his mother about 80 and starting to have significant health problems. None of the other siblings volunteered to help her. Quits job and moves back home to give full time care thinking this will probably a 5 year mission at most. 5 turns into 10 and 10 turns into 13 when his mother passes away at 93. He is now 56 and has been out of workforce for 13 years. He is now starting to have a few health problems if his own. No real wealth to pass on just middle class ppl. He is still living in mothers home but that is even getting grief from the unhelpful siblings.
While its a noble thing to do, it also seems just too much of a sacrifice. Pats on the back will only get you so far. He effectively traded some of his best remaining years (and fkd himself financially) so his mother would not have to be in a nursing home. I'm sure after 5 years having to make the decision to send her to a home would be very difficult especially since she was still mentally ok.
How much would you do for your parent before it's "too much"?
Unmarried but girlfriend. No kids. He was 43 and his mother about 80 and starting to have significant health problems. None of the other siblings volunteered to help her. Quits job and moves back home to give full time care thinking this will probably a 5 year mission at most. 5 turns into 10 and 10 turns into 13 when his mother passes away at 93. He is now 56 and has been out of workforce for 13 years. He is now starting to have a few health problems if his own. No real wealth to pass on just middle class ppl. He is still living in mothers home but that is even getting grief from the unhelpful siblings.
While its a noble thing to do, it also seems just too much of a sacrifice. Pats on the back will only get you so far. He effectively traded some of his best remaining years (and fkd himself financially) so his mother would not have to be in a nursing home. I'm sure after 5 years having to make the decision to send her to a home would be very difficult especially since she was still mentally ok.
How much would you do for your parent before it's "too much"?
19
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:15 pm to Turnblad85
Prepare for the flood of "anything for family, always, reeee!" 
The guaranteed excuse for most of them will be that he didn't have kids, etc.
Except now he's going to be eating cat food in retirement, which will probably be delayed. I'm sure his mother wouldn't have wanted that.
The guaranteed excuse for most of them will be that he didn't have kids, etc. Except now he's going to be eating cat food in retirement, which will probably be delayed. I'm sure his mother wouldn't have wanted that.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:17 pm to LemmyLives
I did it for Mrs PJ the last three years of her life
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:17 pm to Turnblad85
quote:this is too much
How much would you do for your parent before it's "too much"?
quote:
Quits job
quote:
has been out of workforce for 13 years
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:17 pm to dukke v
quote:you were already on disability before the last 3 years
I did it for Mrs PJ the last three years of her life
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:18 pm to Turnblad85
Yeah, there's a certain amount of nobility to it, but it also feels like he could've been her care provider while still working. Especially since WFH became such a big thing not that long ago. So, is he the most kind hearted of the siblings or the least ambitious? Maybe both.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:18 pm to Turnblad85
My son told me he would take care of me in my old age until it was diaper changing time. Then it's off to the home.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:19 pm to LemmyLives
quote:
flood of "anything for family, always
I've noticed a tend that these statements usually come from people who say they would do anything but actually haven't done anything.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:19 pm to Turnblad85
IMO, he did the right thing
My parents gave me their best for my first 18 years of life.
However long it takes is how long I'd care for them
Now, I am at a point ,financially, where I can have them move into my home and manage everything from there while still working
Having lost my daughter earlier this year at the age of 3, I can tell you that you will never regret the time you spend with your parents (or kids for that matter), taking care of them
My parents gave me their best for my first 18 years of life.
However long it takes is how long I'd care for them
Now, I am at a point ,financially, where I can have them move into my home and manage everything from there while still working
Having lost my daughter earlier this year at the age of 3, I can tell you that you will never regret the time you spend with your parents (or kids for that matter), taking care of them
This post was edited on 8/11/26 at 12:23 pm
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:23 pm to Turnblad85
We did not put my parents in a nursing home. They wanted to die at home. Sisterwitch put dad on hospice and he was dead 18 hours after first dose of morphine. She then took my mother to her condo in New Orleans where she could control the narrative. My mother was eventually put on hospice and it took 12 days for her to die after administration of morphine.
My parents died 6 1/2 months apart in the same year.
If I could change anything, it would have been objecting to my parents choice of medical POA.
Sisterwitch sat in my parents living room and met with hospice for my dad, who was unaware of what was going on. He was taking a nap in another room. This was days before he died.
She decided when to start the drugs, something she'll never be forgiven for.
Edited to add: I was the appointed primary care giver and I did this, I don't know, 7-10 years.
My parents died 6 1/2 months apart in the same year.
If I could change anything, it would have been objecting to my parents choice of medical POA.
Sisterwitch sat in my parents living room and met with hospice for my dad, who was unaware of what was going on. He was taking a nap in another room. This was days before he died.
She decided when to start the drugs, something she'll never be forgiven for.
Edited to add: I was the appointed primary care giver and I did this, I don't know, 7-10 years.
This post was edited on 8/11/26 at 12:25 pm
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:23 pm to Turnblad85
quote:
Quits job and moves back home to give full time care thinking this will probably a 5 year mission at most. 5 turns into 10 and 10 turns into 13 when his mother passes away at 93.
So his elderly mom supported him or where did he get money?
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:28 pm to Turnblad85
Someone with a few cognitive or mobility issues is one thing. If they truly need full time care they're better off in a facility. Almost no one has the time, the skill or the money to care for someone at home long term.
We kept both my parents in their home as long as we could, but they were in a nursing home the last few months of their lives. We hated to do it but it was the only viable alternative. My dad actually came home after his first couple of months, but realized after a week he wasn't strong enough to stay, even with home health during the day and me staying with him at night.
We kept both my parents in their home as long as we could, but they were in a nursing home the last few months of their lives. We hated to do it but it was the only viable alternative. My dad actually came home after his first couple of months, but realized after a week he wasn't strong enough to stay, even with home health during the day and me staying with him at night.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:29 pm to LSUweights
quote:
parents gave me their best for my first 18 years of life.
However long it takes is how long I'd care for them
But raising kids ,while challenging, is usually filling with joy and rewards. Watching a parent slowly die is totally different. Especially if said parent has lost mental capacity.
Sorry about your daughter. I don't have words for grieving parents.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:33 pm to Turnblad85
Lost our son earlier this year and I can confidently say that there is never enough time with those you truly love.
Zero judgement work wise. In fact, a lot of these corporate companies could benefit by having someone who understands the value of life and love of others.
Zero judgement work wise. In fact, a lot of these corporate companies could benefit by having someone who understands the value of life and love of others.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:37 pm to Turnblad85
quote:
While its a noble thing to do, it also seems just too much of a sacrifice.
I think in modern times where a higher percentage of couples both work full time the noble thing is actually for the parents to make sure they have themselves taken care of, and it is laid out in writing for their kids. I'm lucky that my wife is able to stay home with the kids and when our parents get older we are open to hosting them if they just need help with basic things... if care requirements become intense that's a different story.
Take charge of what you want in your senior years and try to minimize the strain on your kids. I will have already made most potential tough decisions for them years ago.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:42 pm to TheFonz
quote:
My son told me he would take care of me in my old age until it was diaper changing time. Then it's off to the home.
That's my hard limit. The day I can't tend to my own basic needs is the day it's time for .357 therapy.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:42 pm to ShrimperDan
quote:
I think in modern times where a higher percentage of couples both work full time the noble thing is actually for the parents to make sure they have themselves taken care of, and it is laid out in writing for their kids. I'm lucky that my wife is able to stay home with the kids and when our parents get older we are open to hosting them if they just need help with basic things... if care requirements become intense that's a different story.
Take charge of what you want in your senior years and try to minimize the strain on your kids. I will have already made most potential tough decisions for them years ago.
Parental responsibilities don't stop when the kids get older - it's our job to make sure elder care is already thought out, saved for, etc.
IMO that's way more important than saving for their college. They can take out loans for college, not for a dementia care unit for mom/dad.
That way to minimize stress on children that are likely in an already stressful portion of their life with their own young(ish) families.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:46 pm to Turnblad85
It's a difficult balance, but you can't just quit working and no have any income/benefits. You've got to find a balance between keeping your job and caring for the family member.
This situation is tough because no one would step up to help. When my parents were elderly, my sisters and I tag teamed helping them, which spread it out for all of us.
This situation is tough because no one would step up to help. When my parents were elderly, my sisters and I tag teamed helping them, which spread it out for all of us.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:51 pm to Turnblad85
This will get many downvotes, but put the bulk of your time, money, attention to the future not the past.
Especially if it's choosing to care for an elderly parent and doing what's best for you and your spouse/kids.
I'll hit the self checkout line before i become a burden on my spouse/kids.
Especially if it's choosing to care for an elderly parent and doing what's best for you and your spouse/kids.
I'll hit the self checkout line before i become a burden on my spouse/kids.
Posted on 8/11/26 at 12:51 pm to Turnblad85
quote:
How much would you do for your parent before it's "too much"?
I was raised by the last great generation of Merica and I am old as dirt now, so my view may not be similar to the modern age.
In grade school I took up the "end of life" care for my grandmother. Nobody directly told me to do this, just did it as back then you looked after your friends and family.
Been doing it ever since for many in my family ever since. Never was a paying gig, and took a lot of my life to do so.
While I may not have great financial benefit to show for effort all this time, I have massive wealth in my heart and mind from not only being an advocate for them, but from the time and stories they gave me which were priceless.
quote:
How much would you do for your parent before it's "too much"?
In my view, there is no such thing as Too Much
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