re: What's the OTs thoughts/experiences with putting life on hold for elder care?

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The two siblings had full control over parents and subsequent deaths. I found out my mother died on Facebook when my nephew posted it.

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Man, that is tough, Tigress. I just don't get some people other than your assessment seems to be accurate.

My MIL is the last of my wife's and my parents- others died with spousal care and relatively short
terminal courses. She's 90+ and extremely frail with several comorbidities. Short term memory is shot but she's still pretty alert. Lives at her home but with our (mainly wife and SIL) care 24/7. I just retired and this is not the retirement I envisioned.
I haven't seen this in any posts yet, but "honor your father and mother" keep coming to mind and while that may look different for different people, it's a controlling maxim for us. I don't see how she can live much longer, I certainly wouldn't want to in her state, but this is what we've been dealt. I can't help but think there are lessons to be learned in going thru these processes that are otherwise short-circuited by artificial means. I don't advocate for delaying the inevitable but hurrying someone out of this life for convenience or money is wrong.

In our case, it wasn't about money. She has plenty as does the M.D. brother.

However, being the controlling bitch that she is, she took it upon herself to take over my inheritance via a trust, something I begged parents not to do.

I don't want to ever deal with my parents other children again in this lifetime, and the finances keep me attached.

Mom had a stroke back in 2023, had to move in with me and my wife because of progressing dementia. It was fine at first, I could go about my day, run to the post office, dry cleaners, etc. mid morning and then be back for lunch time with mom.
Then, her dementia reached the point where she couldn’t be left alone. Things got tougher. Had to hire sitters to stay with her if we needed to go out of town for anything. Finally hired someone to sit with her three days a week, so I could help my wife with her business.
This lasted three years, until mom passed last month. Didn’t think I’d miss her because I had to put my life on hold for awhile but I do miss her. Just lucky I was retired from my paying job when this all happened.

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While its a noble thing to do, it also seems just too much of a sacrifice. Pats on the back will only get you so far. He effectively traded some of his best remaining years (and fkd himself financially) so his mother would not have to be in a nursing home.

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On the other hand, I’d give away all my wealth now to be able to walk and talk again with my dad. There is no right or wrong here, but you are never wrong spending your time on earth caring for our family.

There is a recent movie called Queen Bees. Describes extremely well the transition of an elderly woman from living in her house to an assisted living situation. Interactions with Daughter, grandson, new quarters management, new friends enemies, and new love with a few strokes and heart attacks along the way.

great flick for elderly needing help and care givers providing help. Great date nite movie

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My parents would be thrilled to move into St James. Hell, I can’t wait to go myself.

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My sentiments exactly. My retirement plan isn't to move in with my kids and turn their lives upside down. Bring on the arts & crafts.

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iluvdatiger

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Damn girl

I've looked after my mother for some time, but it has been nothing like that.

Bless the patience you've had so far

Managing his medical care and finances and working full time has left me mentally exhausted. And he hates being there. I personally am looking forward to a retirement home. This whole experience has made me realize I needed to be contributing more finances towards retirement living so I'm not a burden on anyone.

Sorry my man.

People always say you have to take care of your parents because they took care of you when you were young.

But the real question is--did your parents have to put their own lives on hold to take care of their own parents?

Somebody else noted, after kids are 4 or 5 and somewhat trained, it can be a joy to raise them. The elderly only get worse, you have no idea how long it's going to last or how nightmarish it can get.

People used to die in short order from things that we can now treat medically. In fact, a big problem is that we have medicine that doesn't really improve quality of life but manages to keep people alive for much longer than they would have lived in the past. Just prolonging suffering in many cases.

The burden on people to take care of their elderly parents is obviously going to grow. There are an estimated 67 million from the Boomer generation still living, and young people aren't having nearly as many kids anymore. What do we think is going to happen?

We've all seen the videos of elder abuse at nursing homes. Even aside from that, nursing homes are often some of the most depressing places you'll ever visit; somebody here called them 'God's waiting room'. Maybe you can find a good one, but the truly rich old people just pay for their care to be done at home.

Whoever your friend is, he should absolutely be left the house in return for taking care of his mom there. Somebody else noted, a nursing home or a live-in caregiver--it could cost more than $100k a year. There is a thing called give-and-take in life, should he just give, give, give and everyone else just keeps taking from him? If that's what she has to offer him in return, then why not? She's not going to need the house when she's gone. And what is the fair share for one of his siblings who didn't lift a finger to help?

Respect for those who are planning for things and who don't want to be a burden on their kids or on anyone else. Respect for those who have taken care of their loved ones. For the person who has a Sisterwitch, sorry to hear that, she sounds awful.