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re: Have any of you been distanced from your Dad and he passed away during that time?
Posted on 12/13/22 at 7:42 am to Will Cover
Posted on 12/13/22 at 7:42 am to Will Cover
quote:
Forgiveness isn't for your father or mother --- it's for you. Once you have truly learned to forgive, it is one of the greatest feelings in the world --- to have that burden of hate, anger, and disrespect lifted from your shoulders and soul.
Bingo
0
Posted on 12/13/22 at 7:45 am to idlewatcher
Yep.
He was an alcoholic and just quit working when I was 13. Went from president of a trucking company to delivering newspapers for booze and cigarette money. Did nothing but yell at the rest of his family. Parents divorced after my brother graduated HS and we were both out of the house. He moved to Missouri and was dead within a year from an aneurysm.
My mom (no pics) felt incredible guilt and I do in some ways. I told her that I felt he'd be dead within a year on his own, so you can imagine how I felt when that prophecy came true.
He was an alcoholic and just quit working when I was 13. Went from president of a trucking company to delivering newspapers for booze and cigarette money. Did nothing but yell at the rest of his family. Parents divorced after my brother graduated HS and we were both out of the house. He moved to Missouri and was dead within a year from an aneurysm.
My mom (no pics) felt incredible guilt and I do in some ways. I told her that I felt he'd be dead within a year on his own, so you can imagine how I felt when that prophecy came true.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 7:50 am to Midget Death Squad
quote:
I listen every year around my dad’s deathiversary (is that a word?) and birthday. This song bring power and rings true.
To the OP my dad was not a fully absent father, but he was very rarely there for me growing up. His idea of sending my mom money was him being a good dad. It wasn’t, but to him it was. The reality was that he was selfish, and I came well after his friends and himself at everything. It was a hard truth to deal with, and to this day I still struggle with it when I think back on it.
With all of that said I miss him like crazy. Yes he hurt me in many ways, but he was also fun, funny and kind when I did get to see him. He did try later in life when I was much older, and I helped him as much as he’d let me when he was sick.
At the end of the day he was my father. For good and bad, he was my dad. I would love to have him back in my life so I could see him at his leisure, because he’s my dad.
No matter the shite that was there between us, he was my dad and it hurts when I think about him being gone.
My point is that no matter how shitty any of your dads are, they’re still your dads. Unless there is absolute severing of relationship, you’re going to hurt when he passes. That parent to child bond is very damn strong, and it transcends our angers that we carry.
Wow this is my relationship with my Dad. My dad was funny a hardworking man and when he was around I remember a great dad but he was also busy doing other stuff and really took no interest in what my brothers and I liked such as sports. I can't exactly say where and when we lost the father-son bond but probably when he moved away and my parents officially divorced. I think I resent him just for not being there much during our teenage years and after I joined miltary then started my own family. Probably spoken him 5 times in 20 years. He is still alive so maybe there is still time but the window is closing quickly.
This post was edited on 12/13/22 at 7:54 am
Posted on 12/13/22 at 7:51 am to MoarKilometers
quote:
You're wrong and heartless
Take it easy, man. All along he was just looking for a father who was gone.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 8:01 am to CocomoLSU
My birth father left my mother when she was four months pregnant .. they’d been married for two years. He cheated on her before and during the marriage.
I was born and he never lived with us. He’s lived all over the US and overseas, paid child support and when he moved to my area when I was 50, he said now that it was “convenient” he’d love to visit and what not.
No thanks. I was very torn mostly out of feeling obligated .. “honor thy father”. Talked to a deacon about it .. I was told to stay open to the idea, not speak I’ll of him to my children who were old enough to make their own choice and to not be ugly. I’ve stuck with all of this.
Now he’s moved back to where his third wife is from. He’ll text and I’ll respond but I’m not reaching out. I often wonder if I should explain to him my views/feelings on this. He had his chance. He never moved near me .. he saw me twice a year when I was growing up. I suppose that when he dies I will attend the funeral .. I suppose I will cry because that’s just me. I may regret not laying all of my feelings in him.
I’m 53 and I’m not angry or mad .. I have the most fantastic stepdad since I was 4. HE’S my daddy. When he’s gone, I’ll be a flipping basket case.
I need a therapist is what typing this made me realize.
I was born and he never lived with us. He’s lived all over the US and overseas, paid child support and when he moved to my area when I was 50, he said now that it was “convenient” he’d love to visit and what not.
No thanks. I was very torn mostly out of feeling obligated .. “honor thy father”. Talked to a deacon about it .. I was told to stay open to the idea, not speak I’ll of him to my children who were old enough to make their own choice and to not be ugly. I’ve stuck with all of this.
Now he’s moved back to where his third wife is from. He’ll text and I’ll respond but I’m not reaching out. I often wonder if I should explain to him my views/feelings on this. He had his chance. He never moved near me .. he saw me twice a year when I was growing up. I suppose that when he dies I will attend the funeral .. I suppose I will cry because that’s just me. I may regret not laying all of my feelings in him.
I’m 53 and I’m not angry or mad .. I have the most fantastic stepdad since I was 4. HE’S my daddy. When he’s gone, I’ll be a flipping basket case.
I need a therapist is what typing this made me realize.
This post was edited on 12/13/22 at 8:02 am
Posted on 12/13/22 at 8:10 am to idlewatcher
I am dealing with this now. He was a decent father with mental health issues. When he was good he was great and when he wasn't he was a monster.
My mother waited till I was grown to leave him and he never fully got over it. He climbed into the bottle around 50 and it was all downhill from there.
I tried to help him but he refused all help. We quit talking for years at a time to reconcile for brief periods. The last time I spoke or saw him was in July 2020 after an argument over his drinking.
In Oct of this year I went by his house to check on him and found him dead. He had been dead for a while and it looks like he died in his sleep. Sitting beside him was a brand new half gallon of cheap whisky.
He died alone, that's the hardest part for me to get over.
My mother waited till I was grown to leave him and he never fully got over it. He climbed into the bottle around 50 and it was all downhill from there.
I tried to help him but he refused all help. We quit talking for years at a time to reconcile for brief periods. The last time I spoke or saw him was in July 2020 after an argument over his drinking.
In Oct of this year I went by his house to check on him and found him dead. He had been dead for a while and it looks like he died in his sleep. Sitting beside him was a brand new half gallon of cheap whisky.
He died alone, that's the hardest part for me to get over.
This post was edited on 12/13/22 at 8:17 am
Posted on 12/13/22 at 8:24 am to idlewatcher
I'm in a situation right now and contemplating not seeing him again. My dad can be a real arse hole. He's been down lately with surgery, blood clots, back procedures etc. I've stayed weeks with him, cooking, cleaning, running errands, making phone calls, paying bills etc. He criticizes everything I do. I have my own family. Thanksgiving was horrible. He will not go to assisted living. I left last week and probably will not go back. That's the short story. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about all this.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 8:30 am to idlewatcher
this thread is absolutely horrifying. sheesh
Posted on 12/13/22 at 8:40 am to idlewatcher
One of the best things I have done is made my peace with my Dad before he passed in 1996.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 8:42 am to idlewatcher
My dad and I had a difficult relationship. Not really hatred or animosity, just not very close. I was sad when he passed away, but most of the sadness for me was watching my mom’s grief.
Do I regret we weren’t close? Not really. He was a difficult man to get close to, and I made overtures over the years that weren’t reciprocated. I miss him, but not near as much as I miss my mom.
Do I regret we weren’t close? Not really. He was a difficult man to get close to, and I made overtures over the years that weren’t reciprocated. I miss him, but not near as much as I miss my mom.
This post was edited on 12/13/22 at 8:51 am
Posted on 12/13/22 at 8:48 am to touchdownjeebus
quote:
I won’t regret it when he dies. He made his choices and now I am old enough to make mine. I may go just to see if he is really dead, but that’s about it.
I felt that way for a long time, and even though there is an empty place in my heart that can never be filled, I’m glad I forgave him in my own heart and let that burden go. Hope he found his way to heaven.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 9:34 am to tigergirl10
quote:
You just told someone their parents were abusive to them because they were an a-hole kid. What a piece of shite thing to say.
He vaguely, without any context, called his parents abusive despite having the facade of a happy family.
It opens the door for questions is all. Just like you open your legs for all that Church Point Pecker.
This post was edited on 12/13/22 at 9:35 am
Posted on 12/13/22 at 10:41 am to idlewatcher
If any of you are reading this with very young children (like me), you need to swear an oath on your sacred honor that you will never do what these men have done to their families, regardless of whether your own children ever even appreciate it. I sometimes take for granted how lucky and loved I was as a child and young man.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 11:11 am to Tigerlaff
quote:
I sometimes take for granted how lucky and loved I was as a child and young man.
My father used to get red faced, trembling angry, screaming at family members what seemed almost daily. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say this occurred at least once a week. It was terrifying and demoralizing.
It wasn't until college, while talking with my girlfriend at the time and her best friend, that I realized this wasn't normal. I guess I never had a frame of reference into other people's family lives. My mind was blown to learn there were families that never saw the father raise their voice at the mother even once. I honestly couldn't believe it.
I sometimes wonder what it would have been like, growing up in an environment like that. With a dad who's a best buddy that you want to be around, who teaches you things, have great times with, etc.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 11:23 am to idlewatcher
My dad was an alcoholic and when my sister committed suicide it really sent him over the edge.
He lived with my husband and I when he got sober for a bit, but then relapsed. I wasn't really mad about the relapse, it was that he lied about it. I kicked him out and he got sober for real. We didn't talk for a year or so but finally made amends.
We drove from Baton Rouge to Sarasota to visit him for Thanksgiving. He was in the hospital because he had cancer, we didn't realize how bad it was. We stopped and got some Thanksgiving food at the store and then ran by the hospital to say hi. While there his oncologist came by and said I know you feel crappy now, but give the chemo a few more weeks and you'll feel like a new person. They needed to drain so fluids but couldn't that day because no one was around to do it due to the holiday. But said they'd do it the next morning and then he'd be release and could come stay with us at our AirBnB before he went home. He hadn't met my son yet, but was living with us through all our IVF treatments so he was sooooo excited to meet him. We didn't bring him to the hospital because it was just a quick trip. We were going to bring him up later, but my son wasn't even one and a wiggle worm so we said we'd just let them meet the next day at the house when he wasn't all hooked up to ivs and tubes, etc. Plus my dad had a roommate in the hospital (don't even get me started on how stupid that shite it, we pay so much and then you have to share rooms, ugh). Anyways my MIL came in the my room that night and said she received a call from my aunt that my dad died.
It was the second hardest movement of my entire life. I have HUGE regrets. I should have taken my son up there, I should have stayed longer. We honestly just didn't know. They made it seem like everything was ok and he'd be out in the morning. I try not to put to much hardship on myself. Hindsight and all.
Ok, I'm going to go cry now.
He lived with my husband and I when he got sober for a bit, but then relapsed. I wasn't really mad about the relapse, it was that he lied about it. I kicked him out and he got sober for real. We didn't talk for a year or so but finally made amends.
We drove from Baton Rouge to Sarasota to visit him for Thanksgiving. He was in the hospital because he had cancer, we didn't realize how bad it was. We stopped and got some Thanksgiving food at the store and then ran by the hospital to say hi. While there his oncologist came by and said I know you feel crappy now, but give the chemo a few more weeks and you'll feel like a new person. They needed to drain so fluids but couldn't that day because no one was around to do it due to the holiday. But said they'd do it the next morning and then he'd be release and could come stay with us at our AirBnB before he went home. He hadn't met my son yet, but was living with us through all our IVF treatments so he was sooooo excited to meet him. We didn't bring him to the hospital because it was just a quick trip. We were going to bring him up later, but my son wasn't even one and a wiggle worm so we said we'd just let them meet the next day at the house when he wasn't all hooked up to ivs and tubes, etc. Plus my dad had a roommate in the hospital (don't even get me started on how stupid that shite it, we pay so much and then you have to share rooms, ugh). Anyways my MIL came in the my room that night and said she received a call from my aunt that my dad died.
It was the second hardest movement of my entire life. I have HUGE regrets. I should have taken my son up there, I should have stayed longer. We honestly just didn't know. They made it seem like everything was ok and he'd be out in the morning. I try not to put to much hardship on myself. Hindsight and all.
Ok, I'm going to go cry now.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 11:26 am to idlewatcher
These are heavy and sobering. I miss my Pops since his passing in 2016. The small things I miss the most. Like bringing him a half - gallon of eggnog around this time of year. Just sitting around watching football being father and son. I sure miss Pops...
Posted on 12/13/22 at 11:34 am to idlewatcher
This is hard to talk about as it's still ongoing.
Just days before my first wedding anniversary, my dad had a major stroke. It was bad enough that we were told to fly to that city and say our goodbyes. We got up there, and my dad managed to hang on. But in that ICU, I said my "I'm sorrys" for missing opportunities.
Today, my dad is still alive, but the stroke took his speech and much of his right side. His right hand constricts into a fist, and while he can walk, there is a good limp there on that right side.
Prior to the stroke, he was a brilliant man. Air Force Veteran, husband, Dad, CFO of a company. He probably worked too much and wasn't one to offer out I Love Yous but he was there, he taught me how to be a man, how to act in the face of fear with courage, and how to say what you mean and mean what you say. He was there for all of the football games, swim meets, and water polo matches.
Now, it's just difficult. Yesterday was his 80th birthday and while I spent time with him, he is a shell of what he was. I'm so thankful he was able to see my kids born and watch them grow, but I'm sad he can't have those same conversations with my son and daughter so I take that lead.
His health is gradually declining- not from the stroke some 21 years ago but just from old age. But I feel like much of who he is has been gone for a while. I surely will miss him a great deal and mourn him, but I will be very happy he's back with his wife with the Lord.
I miss my dad although he is still here. It's really weird to say that.
Just days before my first wedding anniversary, my dad had a major stroke. It was bad enough that we were told to fly to that city and say our goodbyes. We got up there, and my dad managed to hang on. But in that ICU, I said my "I'm sorrys" for missing opportunities.
Today, my dad is still alive, but the stroke took his speech and much of his right side. His right hand constricts into a fist, and while he can walk, there is a good limp there on that right side.
Prior to the stroke, he was a brilliant man. Air Force Veteran, husband, Dad, CFO of a company. He probably worked too much and wasn't one to offer out I Love Yous but he was there, he taught me how to be a man, how to act in the face of fear with courage, and how to say what you mean and mean what you say. He was there for all of the football games, swim meets, and water polo matches.
Now, it's just difficult. Yesterday was his 80th birthday and while I spent time with him, he is a shell of what he was. I'm so thankful he was able to see my kids born and watch them grow, but I'm sad he can't have those same conversations with my son and daughter so I take that lead.
His health is gradually declining- not from the stroke some 21 years ago but just from old age. But I feel like much of who he is has been gone for a while. I surely will miss him a great deal and mourn him, but I will be very happy he's back with his wife with the Lord.
I miss my dad although he is still here. It's really weird to say that.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 11:48 am to bayoubengals88
Do we have the same dad bayoubengals88??
Posted on 12/13/22 at 12:08 pm to idlewatcher
These stories are terrible and while I realize people are hurt by their fathers and some of these men Sound terrible, I can’t feel anything but sadness for all parties described, including the fathers.
As a father to two boys I hope and pray we are never estranged like these stories. I hope I never fail like some of these fathers but mostly I desperately hope that if I do my children forgive me and love me anyway. My love for them is truly unconditional and the older I get the more I realize that my love for my parents wasn’t, I fear the same is probably true of mine and all children. If you still have a parent around , I don’t, try to forgive and love them anyway, if you can’t it’s ok, but just consider it.
As a father to two boys I hope and pray we are never estranged like these stories. I hope I never fail like some of these fathers but mostly I desperately hope that if I do my children forgive me and love me anyway. My love for them is truly unconditional and the older I get the more I realize that my love for my parents wasn’t, I fear the same is probably true of mine and all children. If you still have a parent around , I don’t, try to forgive and love them anyway, if you can’t it’s ok, but just consider it.
Posted on 12/13/22 at 12:17 pm to Dawgfanman
Men from prior generations didn’t know how to love, or maybe better said they didn’t know how to show love. I can’t think of a single time my dad or my granddads hugged or lived on me when I was a kid. All 3 were deathly afraid of showing any emotion, and that is what the society they grew up in taught them. I know my dad loved me, and he was as present in my life as his work allowed him to be. He didn’t drink much, didn’t cheat on my mom, provided financially for us, but there were no hugs, kisses, or I Love You’s from him when I was a kid. All that was left to mom.
And looking back on my childhood and my friends, most dads were like that. There were some that showed affection, but not many.
And looking back on my childhood and my friends, most dads were like that. There were some that showed affection, but not many.
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