re: Today is National Joke Day

You can't trust an atom.

They make up everything.

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a guy responds to an add from a guy selling a talking dog for $5, he goes to see the dog and the dog tells him his life story, "I used to be in the army, started as a bomb sniffing dog, saved many lives, was awarded many medals, then I began training other dogs when the CIA recruited me for some deep undercover ops, busted up a few spy rings before they loaned me out to the DEA, brought a few cartels to their knees before I was wounded in a bust and had to medically retire, that's how I ended up here." the guy was amazed and asked the owner, "that's an incredible story, what an awesome dog, why are you selling him for just five dollars" owner replies, "because he's a compulsive liar, he never did any of that shite!"

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I've always heard the punchline was, "because he's a compulsive liar...he didn't do half of that shite!"

"I'll have a Coke, then."

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a group of masturbating cattle?




beef stroganoff

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.

All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sites and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.

Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna frickin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''

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Yo mama so fat she went to KFC to get a bucket of chicken they asked her what size and she said the one on the roof.

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This is a halfway decent Yo mamma joke.

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mexican weather forecast

cold today
hot tamale

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I thought it was...

Chili (chilly) today
hot tamale

My life is a joke so there's that