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Message
re: Today is National Joke Day
Posted on 8/16/17 at 6:39 pm to fr33manator
Posted on 8/16/17 at 6:39 pm to fr33manator
A guy who was training to be a high altitude military parachutist was telling his buddy about the first day of training.
"There was a group of 10 of us rookies who took off in the plane for our first ever jump. Once we were at the proper altitude, the commanding officer opened the door of the plane and ordered each of us to jump, one after the other."
"The other 9 guys jumped, but I got really scared. I didn't want to do it. Finally, the commanding officer said that if I didn't jump, he was going to take his 10 inch cock out and shove it up my arse"
His buddy asked, "well, did you jump??"
To which the young trainee replied "Yeah, a little at first....."
"There was a group of 10 of us rookies who took off in the plane for our first ever jump. Once we were at the proper altitude, the commanding officer opened the door of the plane and ordered each of us to jump, one after the other."
"The other 9 guys jumped, but I got really scared. I didn't want to do it. Finally, the commanding officer said that if I didn't jump, he was going to take his 10 inch cock out and shove it up my arse"
His buddy asked, "well, did you jump??"
To which the young trainee replied "Yeah, a little at first....."
0
Posted on 8/16/17 at 6:40 pm to fr33manator
Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"!
Posted on 8/16/17 at 7:00 pm to Ajo Devil
What goes in hard and comes out soft and gooey ?
Bubble Gum
What starts with F and end in UCK
Firetruck
Bubble Gum
What starts with F and end in UCK
Firetruck
Posted on 8/16/17 at 7:31 pm to The Torch
Two guys are standing on a corner waiting for the crosswalk to turn green and they see a dog across the street licking his balls. One guy say, "man, I wish I could do that." The other guys responds, "ehh, I'd rather just pet him."
Posted on 8/16/17 at 7:46 pm to Ajo Devil
There was these two fellers standing on a bridge peeing, one said that waters cold and the otheren said it's deep too
aliat then
aliat then
Posted on 8/16/17 at 8:03 pm to The Torch
Skeleton walks into a bar. Sits down and the barkeep says, "What can I get ya?" Skeleton says, "I'll have a beer..... and a mop."
Two guys walk into a bar. Third guy ducked.
Boudreaux and Thibodaux went hunting. Boudreaux told Thibodaux that he wanted to shoot an deer.
As they're in the stand, Boudreaux sees something and is about to shoot. Thibodaux stops him and says, "What you doin'?!" Boudreaux says, "I'm 'bout to shoot dat deer me." Thibodaux says, "Dats no deer dat. Dats a cub." Boudreaux says, "A cub? What's dat?" Thibodaux says, "Dats a baby bear and you can't shoot dat dem. All dey do is look for food and hibernate." Boudreaux asks, "What's dat hibernate mean?" Thibodaux says "Dat means he sleeps in a cave and he sucks his paw."
Boudreaux says, "Gotdamn I bet his Paw like dat!"
Two guys walk into a bar. Third guy ducked.
Boudreaux and Thibodaux went hunting. Boudreaux told Thibodaux that he wanted to shoot an deer.
As they're in the stand, Boudreaux sees something and is about to shoot. Thibodaux stops him and says, "What you doin'?!" Boudreaux says, "I'm 'bout to shoot dat deer me." Thibodaux says, "Dats no deer dat. Dats a cub." Boudreaux says, "A cub? What's dat?" Thibodaux says, "Dats a baby bear and you can't shoot dat dem. All dey do is look for food and hibernate." Boudreaux asks, "What's dat hibernate mean?" Thibodaux says "Dat means he sleeps in a cave and he sucks his paw."
Boudreaux says, "Gotdamn I bet his Paw like dat!"
Posted on 8/16/17 at 8:11 pm to adp
Yo momma so fat, when she wears an X jacket, helicopters land on her.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.
The mood was tense.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.
The mood was tense.
This post was edited on 8/16/17 at 8:22 pm
Posted on 8/16/17 at 8:39 pm to EastBankTiger
I'll never forget my grandpa's final words.
"Stop shaking the ladder, you count."
"Stop shaking the ladder, you count."
Posted on 8/16/17 at 8:43 pm to Hangit
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other......Ilene. What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other.....Irene.
What is red and has seven dents.......snow white's cherry.
What is better than two roses on your piano......tulips on your organ.
What is red and has seven dents.......snow white's cherry.
What is better than two roses on your piano......tulips on your organ.
Posted on 8/16/17 at 8:47 pm to Hangit
quote:
I'll never forget my grandpa's final words.
"Stop shaking the ladder, you count."
My grandpa's final words:
I've stashed away a substantial amount of money and no one knows. I hid it in the...AAAACCCKKKKKK
Posted on 8/16/17 at 8:59 pm to Walt OReilly
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One turns to the other and asks, "wanna go in and get shitfaced"?
Two guys from Alabama in a jail cell swapping stories. First guy said he was in for armed robbery. Second fella tells him he was put in for beating the shite out of his son for screwing his teacher. First guy reacts in shock asking him why he didn't pat him on the back. Second fella replied it's because he's homeschooledm
Two guys from Alabama in a jail cell swapping stories. First guy said he was in for armed robbery. Second fella tells him he was put in for beating the shite out of his son for screwing his teacher. First guy reacts in shock asking him why he didn't pat him on the back. Second fella replied it's because he's homeschooledm
This post was edited on 8/16/17 at 9:04 pm
Posted on 8/16/17 at 9:08 pm to Ajo Devil
Why does Norway put barcodes on their boats?
Because they "scan the navy in."
Because they "scan the navy in."
Posted on 8/16/17 at 9:17 pm to AlbertMeansWell
quote:
This thread is a perfect example of why we need population control.
You sound fun to be around. People telling jokes.. We need to control the population to get rid of those types.
Posted on 8/16/17 at 9:20 pm to hottub
Boudreaux sees Thibodeaux holding a paper bag. "What you got in dat bag?"
"I got beers"
"If I can guess how many beers you got, can I have one?"
"Shoot, if you can guess dat, I'll give you both of 'em."
"Umm...ok...six?"
"I got beers"
"If I can guess how many beers you got, can I have one?"
"Shoot, if you can guess dat, I'll give you both of 'em."
"Umm...ok...six?"
Posted on 8/16/17 at 9:20 pm to Ajo Devil
A Democrat went to work
Posted on 8/16/17 at 9:23 pm to Ajo Devil
Two couples were seated next to each other during the captains dinner on a cruise. One was from the North, the other from the South. Making conversation, the woman from the North asked, "So where do you guys live?" The woman from the South replies, "We live in Georgia! Where do you live at?" The Northern woman replies, "You cannot end a sentence in a preposition!" The Southern woman then says, "Ok, where do you live at, bitch?"
This post was edited on 8/16/17 at 9:25 pm
Posted on 8/16/17 at 9:36 pm to tonydtigr
Helen Keller walked into a bar...and a chair and a table
Posted on 8/16/17 at 9:42 pm to Ajo Devil
Two friends who haven't seen each other in a while pass each other while walking their dogs.
They strike up a conversation and eventually agree to grab a drink at a nearby bar. As they approach, they notice a sign saying "no pets allowed."
"No problem," says the friend with a doberman. "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and approaches the bar entrance. The bouncer stops him and tells him that no dogs are allowed.
He explains "Oh, I'm blind. This is my service dog."
The bouncer replies "really, a Doberman?"
"Yes, indeed. They use dobermans now. They're quite intelligent."
The bouncer shrugs and lets him in.
Seeing this, the second friend - who has a chihuahua - confidently whips his sunglasses out and approaches the entrance.
"Sorry sir, no dogs allowed."
"You misunderstand. I'm blind, and this is my service dog."
The bouncer laughs mockingly at the man and exclaims "yeah right, a chihuahua? Get outta here."
The man replies "they gave me a fricking chihuahua!!??"
They strike up a conversation and eventually agree to grab a drink at a nearby bar. As they approach, they notice a sign saying "no pets allowed."
"No problem," says the friend with a doberman. "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and approaches the bar entrance. The bouncer stops him and tells him that no dogs are allowed.
He explains "Oh, I'm blind. This is my service dog."
The bouncer replies "really, a Doberman?"
"Yes, indeed. They use dobermans now. They're quite intelligent."
The bouncer shrugs and lets him in.
Seeing this, the second friend - who has a chihuahua - confidently whips his sunglasses out and approaches the entrance.
"Sorry sir, no dogs allowed."
"You misunderstand. I'm blind, and this is my service dog."
The bouncer laughs mockingly at the man and exclaims "yeah right, a chihuahua? Get outta here."
The man replies "they gave me a fricking chihuahua!!??"
This post was edited on 8/16/17 at 9:44 pm
Posted on 8/16/17 at 9:43 pm to VolInBavaria
If the earth were a jacket, where would the black people live?
In the hood.
What's the difference between a meth head and a crack head?
A crack head will steal you stuff and leave, a meth head will steal your stuff and help you look for it.
In the hood.
What's the difference between a meth head and a crack head?
A crack head will steal you stuff and leave, a meth head will steal your stuff and help you look for it.
Posted on 8/16/17 at 10:20 pm to eScott
Me to my wife: I'd tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long.
My wife to me: That's ok. I'd tell you a joke about my vagina but your never gonna get it.
My wife to me: That's ok. I'd tell you a joke about my vagina but your never gonna get it.
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