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re: So..got in a fight with the wife tonight…
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:34 pm to StringedInstruments
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:34 pm to StringedInstruments
OP you got a lot of advice in this thread. My recommendation is that you read carefully the advice that stringedinstruments has offered
I am not ashamed to admit that I had to learn everything he is saying and I waited almost until it was too late
I am not ashamed to admit that I had to learn everything he is saying and I waited almost until it was too late
1
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:44 pm to cgrand
My girlfriend told me recently (today) that if marriage is viewed through the lens of compromise it's bound to fail because both parties will feel like they are losing something.
It needs to be viewed through the lens of collaboration, so both parties feel like they are winning in life.
So OP needs to not make his wife feel like she's compromising by getting a job, but instead like she's collaborating in the financial success of the family.
And she needs to address the drinking/depression but that's part of the same issue in that she's not part of the collaboration and has no purpose.
Making her feel that way... easier said than done.
It needs to be viewed through the lens of collaboration, so both parties feel like they are winning in life.
So OP needs to not make his wife feel like she's compromising by getting a job, but instead like she's collaborating in the financial success of the family.
And she needs to address the drinking/depression but that's part of the same issue in that she's not part of the collaboration and has no purpose.
Making her feel that way... easier said than done.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:45 pm to LSUBoo
quote:
It needs to be viewed through the lens of collaboration, so both parties feel like they are winning in life.
That is a wonderful way to look at it!!
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:46 pm to SquatchDawg
She obviously needs to talk to a professional and if she won’t do it then promise to go as a couple. She is definitely harboring some unresolved guilt over loss and friends aren’t always the best advice givers if she needs to hear some hard truths.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:48 pm to SquatchDawg
be careful dude. divorce laws don't favor the men. we filed for divorce right when COVID hit in 2020.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:49 pm to LSUBoo
quote:
My girlfriend told me recently (today) that if marriage is viewed through the lens of compromise it's bound to fail
quote:
by LSUBoo
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:58 pm to High C
quote:
Be very careful. This can sink your marriage with the quickness. Speaking from experience.
What's the scoop-a-loop, baw? Tell us what went down.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 3:59 pm to LSUBoo
quote:
My girlfriend told me recently (today) that if marriage is viewed through the lens of compromise it's bound to fail because both parties will feel like they are losing something.
It needs to be viewed through the lens of collaboration, so both parties feel like they are winning in life.
That's a great perspective. Your lady is intelligent, baw. Put a ring on that finger if she actually follows this.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 4:18 pm to SquatchDawg
There are online telehealth places specializing in HRT if she can’t get a Dr to help. Pellets are often a bad avenue and blood tests for hormones aren’t necessarily reliable. As a non-redditor, there is actually really good info over there on it.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 4:44 pm to Oates Mustache
quote:
What about the primary focus on hanging out with girl friends, girls trips, girls lunch/dinner, etc? That shite is ripe for cheating.
Here’s the thing- that is possibly correct. Possibly incorrect. Girls trips, etc *can* be opportunities for women who have a desire to cheat to do so. There is no indication that OPs wife has the desire to do so. Could she have? Maybe. Maybe not. She is Schrödinger’s wife to us, and she is a faithful wife to the OP until he knows otherwise. He trusts her so I see no reason to opine on that subject. It isn’t relevant to the things I said.
The things I said are related to improving depression. Infidelity is a totally separate matter and not one that anyone who isn’t in the relationship can authoritatively opine on. Of course we all have opinions on what people should do but unless you are one of the people in the relationship your opinion doesn’t matter. Only they can know if after infidelity there is enough left to rebuild something from. Other people telling him she is cheating and he needs to end this now is just noise.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 4:49 pm to R11
quote:
People that have this disorder aren’t cape able of looking at them selves … it’s always someone else being the problem.
Sounds like a narcissist.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 4:58 pm to SquatchDawg
Honestly I think she’s spoiled….i get she’s been through some things but it’s no excuse to neglect her husband and kids.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:04 pm to SquatchDawg
She sounds like she is depressed how old is she ? Menopause maybe
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:11 pm to SquatchDawg
quote:
I’m going to throw this out her pe as it’s late and I’ve also been drinking tonight.
I’m 53 yrs old
I’ve provided for my wife and kids to this point…which is upper middle class I would estimate.
Why am I having to deal with this bullshite?
You have gotten great advice from a few posters here. You obviously love her and I would bet money that she loves you. As several have said, she is most definitely depressed, stemming from the deaths of her parents, her kids getting older, possibly hormonal things with menopause, etc.
You are having to deal with this bullshite, as you say, because your wife needs help. Please do not just tell her to find a job, get with it and take care of the house, kids, etc. It sounds like she truly needs help. Most of the time people aren't depressed because they want to be. If you've never known someone with depression, you might not know that they just can't make themselves do things. I letter sounds like a good idea. Or joint therapy. Or maybe do you have a couple you all are friends with that the wife is really close to your wife? It will be hard for her to hear and probably really hard to hear from you.
Please be patient. I really don't think she means to be this way, but she sees nothing else. When you say something, she just hears that you are another person that wants something from her and she is probably feeling like she gave everything to her parents.
Therapy is definitely needed.
This post was edited on 6/30/25 at 11:23 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:28 pm to Jimmyboy
I'm more pro-marriage than anyone on this board, but I agree.
She's unpleasant to live with, has no interest in maintaining a loving home, and has no desire for intimacy with het husband.
Life is hard, bad things happen.
He loves her, but clearly the feeling isnt reciprocal.
Do some counseling, if she has an interest (doubtful), but prepare for the inevitable.
She's unpleasant to live with, has no interest in maintaining a loving home, and has no desire for intimacy with het husband.
Life is hard, bad things happen.
He loves her, but clearly the feeling isnt reciprocal.
Do some counseling, if she has an interest (doubtful), but prepare for the inevitable.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:47 pm to slutiger5
quote:
She sounds down and still dealing with life (losing loved ones specifically). She has to find something’s to alter her drinking as her crutch. She will become more optimistic and have more energy to pick up on responsibilities. Prayers help. But it’s a process. You gotta continue to be supportive when she has good days.
This a million times.
I went through what your wife did. Severe depression after my sister died, led to a lot of drinking, then my dad died, more drinking, then my mom died 4 months later, more drinking, then Covid quarantine, more drinking.
What used to be a fun little hobby turned alcohol into a crutch for my depression of dealing with life and grief.
I was a shell of a person. I worked, patented, was a wife. But was pretty shitty at all 3 during that time.
She has to want to snap out of the funk, but it's soooo easy to stay there.
I quit alcohol and my life is better than I could ever imagine it now. I am a Rockstar employee, a wonderful mom. The marriage didn't work out, but ended amicably and we get along better than before.
Wishing yall luck. This isn't fun for either of yall, I know.
Keep being positive, but at some point also you gotta do whats best for you.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:51 pm to SquatchDawg
quote:
Her sole focus is on lunch with her friends, girls weekend with her friends, yoga with her friends, etc.
She is cheating. She wouldn't have much time for her side piece is she got a job. Start having all her calls made etc made to your service online for you to monitor calls when she goes for all these no husband activities. Secondly, start monitoring credit card purchases etc.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:53 pm to LSUBoo
quote:
It needs to be viewed through the lens of collaboration, so both parties feel like they are winning in life.
I'll be married 21 years in October and never thought of this.
You have a keeper.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:57 pm to SquatchDawg
Gotta address the wine every night thing, because it’ll lead to drinking all day. Especially if she’s neglecting everything else in her life.
Sounds like an alcoholic in the making. She needs to see a therapist and get some counseling. She might need antidepressants. But that alone is not enough. She is going to have a difficult road.
Sounds like an alcoholic in the making. She needs to see a therapist and get some counseling. She might need antidepressants. But that alone is not enough. She is going to have a difficult road.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:06 pm to SquatchDawg
She's banging someone.
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