re: So..got in a fight with the wife tonight…

Sounds like you are jonesing for some strange taint

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I’m with the wife here. That’s a jerk move to ask her to get a job after making a deal that she’d be a stay-at-home mom

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Pretend that the guy was the one to stay at home to help with the kids. After the kids are 18 isn't it time for him to work or at least do charity work outside of the house?

Same rules apply. The person working outside of the house doesn't get to stop until they can afford to retire. Adulting sucks.

I have a friend who went into a tailspin after the loss of her parents. She has a husband who is supportive, but has not been able to help her. Hard to watch them both and wish there were some magic help, but I have not figured it out.

You might just need to revise your style of dialogue.

You’ve said you love her, so always lead with that. Men often forget that communication is not a one time thing.

Recognize what your wife is going through : unresolved grief, depression, and possibly a loss of identity after 2 decades of being a stay at home mom.

Mention the observations in the above paragraph as your observations about what she is going through. See if she validates it. There’s no way she denies it. She’ll likely appreciate that you are paying attention to her.

Ask her what you can do to help. Then visibly try. If she says there’s nothing you can do and engages in “poor me” dialogue, that’s more evidence that she should see a therapist.

Your #1 goal is to get her to a therapist. With your insurance, it will likely only be a $20 copayment per visit. A therapist validates the patient and creates opportunities to redirect their thoughts.

It will be worth every penny and will bring you joy, because you are paying someone else only $20 to listen to her bullshite.

Your wife will bitch about you and claim you’re such a prick because you think she can help earn money. Your therapist will ask her if she thinks that’s a bad idea. It may take a few visits, but over time your wife will likely become less of an emotional, irrational bitch, and more of a reliable partner.

Pay a subject matter expert to do the work. Profit.

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am a mental health professional and you are correct. This (based on what you have posted) is clear depression.

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To add to my previous post- here are some things I tell all my clients who are dealing with depression. If you can get her on board with some of them (maybe as a couple) if she is not willing to go to therapy then these may help some.

1. Cut down on alcohol. You don’t necessarily have to quit. Some people need to because they are incapable of “cutting back”. Reducing alcohol consumption does wonders for mood, energy, and overall health.

2. Move. Not as in houses, but be active. It doesn’t mean you have to go to the gym for an hour every day. But do a little more than you are doing now. For some people that is a walk around the neighborhood after dinner.

3. Get some sunshine. Sunshine is a great way to increase vitamin D which is vital for a number of health related functions.

4. Eat real food. Reduce or minimize processed foods, especially sugar. No need to go overboard and adhere to strict keto or paleo or whatever the current fad diet is. Balance, prioritize protein and find what works for you.

5. Find somewhere to volunteer. It doesn’t need to be anything big. Volunteering connects us with something bigger than ourselves and lets us feel like we are meeting a need for someone. It is productive. And for many people it gets you out of your own head and helps you gain perspective about what you are experiencing and the true magnitude of your problems. In other words, and to put it coarsely- other people have a lot bigger problems than we do and we need to get our shite together. NOTE: this last statement isn’t meant to minimize anyone’s experience- just to give an idea of what volunteering might do for someone.

6. Develop/maintain healthy sleep patterns. 7-8 hours per night is a general rule of thumb for adults. Some people need a little more, some people need a little less. Try to go to sleep and wake up at about the same time every day. The following are recommendations especially for people who have trouble either going to sleep or staying asleep. Turn off screens an hour before bedtime. Keep your bedroom cool and dark. Pitch black is best. Minimize alcohol consumption for a couple hours before going to bed. Alcohol does help people to fall asleep sometimes, but it reduces the quality of sleep significantly. If sleep is a problem, keep your bedroom for sleep and sex only. No TV watching, eating, etc (at least while you are getting your sleep straight).

I will also add that you might look into therapy for yourself to help you deal with the stress this is causing you. For you, in-depth therapy may not be truly necessary- it could be more like coaching, and having someone provide more support for you.

Hope something here is useful to someone.

From a woman's pov

I was an only child. When I was 38 my parents died nine months apart of different and totally debilitating illnesses. I had a job and was running a major project for the company I had worked for, for a decade. I didn't let depression grab me but I came close. I became expert at Pong and Frogger when I couldn't sleep; booze was not an option. My job filled much of my time.

I had a few friends I could call on and had time to rebuild my finances that had been blown traveling home by air every other weekend.

There were weeks that didn't register that I just plowed through. Unfortunately your wife is drinking her way through. Could she be interested in a return to college to study something she has always wanted to learn more about?

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As this is the OT I want to add that in Jan of 2024 I decided that “I” was not going to be the problem so I’ve been in the gym at least 3 days a week since then and am in the best shape I’ve been in 30 years - can easily fit in the tux I got married in. I’m not being egotistical but I know this comes up in threads like this.

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That’s awesome.

What else have you fixed?

I appreciate the advice but there’s no damn way I’m letting her get near this message board!

I left out some stuff, so here’s more:

Always lead with validating her experiences. Losing both parents in such difficult ways and being the primary caregiver likely took a huge emotional toll. You could say something like, “I have seen how hard it was for you to care for your parents, and you’ve given so much to our family as a daughter, a mom, and a wife. The type of support our family needs will always be changing and I want us to find a way we can get through this together.”

You obviously know her drinking is an unhealthy and unproductive coping mechanism. Tread lightly with judgmental words. Consider, “I’ve noticed you’re drinking wine more than usual. I’m worried it’s not helping you feel like yourself. I want us to find new ways of feeling good together.”

Understand that what she may need most, also fits in with your goals too - her purpose in life has changed. She may not realize it yet, but she may need to discover her new purpose during this phase in her life. But instead of pushing her straight into a job, suggest volunteer work. Let her come to the conclusion that it makes more sense to be paid.

Of course she feels scared or inadequate about re-entering the workforce. Do not lead with the justification of work being a financial necessity. Frame it as a way for her to rediscover herself. “It’s a chance for you to do something just for you, something that makes you feel strong and capable.” When she’s ready, offer to help her update a resume.

For the therapy she obviously needs, just suggest the benefits of talking to someone other than her spouse.

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As this is the OT I want to add that in Jan of 2024 I decided that “I” was not going to be the problem so I’ve been in the gym at least 3 days a week since then and am in the best shape I’ve been in 30 years - can easily fit in the tux I got married in. I’m not being egotistical but I know this comes up in threads like this. So I’m not coming at this as a fat slob that’s playing video games all day.

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Why post all of that? Weird flex.

Relevance?