re: So..got in a fight with the wife tonight…

Not trying to be a flex. Just trying to show that I do have some level of self awareness and am trying to do whatever I can to not be part of the problem and am trying to keep my shite together.

That’s all.

Hormones are definitely an issue. Her numbers are way off. She did 8 mths of treatment and the pellets had no effect. She’s the only friend in her group that this happened to. So add that to the pile.

And rest assured I am the LAST person on earth she wants to talk to about this.

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sure you've gotten the whole gamut of advice, which means you're going to have to use your own judgement on what to do. My offering is this:

You can't fix her. Only she can fix herself, and that can only happen after she both decides that she needs to be fixed and wants to pursue it.

Your job is to provide the incentives.

Since this is a grown woman, you can't and shouldn't discipline her. What that leaves is consequences. Her negative actions generate a consistent reaction from you.

When she downs a full bottle of wine, you create a consequence. When you ask to talk about income and she goes off the handle, you create a consequence.

What those are you have to figure out. The most effective usually take away from her quality of life. For instance, if her life revolves around planning trips with her friends, you let her know that as the breadwinner you have gone over the budget and you are going to have to stop funding some or all of her outings. Don't be mean about it, just be matter of fact. Tell her the wine is killing the budget. You're going to have to be flexible and creative to think about what will work here because you've let it go for so long.

Then be on the lookout for attitude change from her. Once you see it, be encouraging and start talking about solutions like therapy, etc.

Again, and I can't stress this enough: if you try to push her without her own recognition and motivation, you will fail spectacularly.

Only she can change herself. Burn it into your conscious.

Good luck.

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Wiseguy

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What about the primary focus on hanging out with girl friends, girls trips, girls lunch/dinner, etc?

That shite is ripe for cheating.

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What about the primary focus on hanging out with girl friends, girls trips, girls lunch/dinner, etc? That shite is ripe for cheating.

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Squatch already answered that... it's her family and similar aged married women at their respective homes.

Perhaps she's seeking companionship with people with whom her relationship status has not changed.

The marital relationship is on shaky ground and is more vulnerable to infidelity but that doesn’t make cheating a forgone conclusion.

IIRC, Squatch said even these women have addressed concerns about the wife with him... not exactly the behavior of a gaggle of broads covering for a philanderer.

edited to remove a double word.

Sorry, but girl's trips by someone who is anti-sexual (his words) with her husband, and is clinically depressed, only enhances and increases the chances of cheating. What he describes is like the textbook cheating path.

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in Jan of 2024 I decided that “I” was not going to be the problem so I’ve been in the gym at least 3 days a week since then and am in the best shape I’ve been in 30 years - can easily fit in the tux I got married in.

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you’ve been planning for the bad blood for a year and a half now. Any gym instathots caught your eye recently?

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Just trying to show that I do have some level of self awareness and am trying to do whatever I can to not be part of the problem and am trying to keep my s*** together.

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But you are part of the problem.

Women do not respond well to overt communication. Just like men do not respond well to covert communication. By instructing your wife to get a job and pick up the slack in the finances, she feels through your words. "I am not enough. I am no longer useful. I have to fill in what my husband cannot do. I am not appreciated. I am not being seen and heard. Yada yada." All you said was "Hey honey, I think you should get a small part time job to help pay for the boys' college." She felt that request through her parents' death, her sons leaving the house, and a host of other experiences that have been stored over the years. For her, this is unattractive of you and not something that inspires her to commit and participate in the marriage.

If you can pull out the abstract here, you'll see an issue that many men do not realize is going on throughout their marriage. This is often materialized in a lackluster or even dead sex life. When women experience a sustained pattern of undesirable behaviors, they lose attraction, which diminishes their commitment and participation in a relationship. This is why so many guys in this thread have pointed out the obvious: she is in a prime situation to cheat.

Why would that be? What are those patterns that you might analyze and discover about yourself?

I'm one of the primary OT douchebags who first tells dudes in broken marriages to get to the gym. I never say that sarcastically or jokingly or in preparation for single life. Most men suck, and if their physical body sucks, then that tells me all I need to know about how much they suck in the other facets of their life. But once you get that under control, which you seem to have done, then you can start unlocking the other secrets to a healthy masculinity that provides security for women (and anyone else in your life).

The thing is about those secrets is that a foundational reality underpinning a healthy relationship is this: she has to be replaceable. I don't say that as "cheat, bro!" But I say that from a traditional paradigm where the man is the leader of the family, and as a leader, you are inviting others into your abundant world. Your strength, emotional stability, vision, comfort, and assertiveness are all positive aspects that create a safe environment for your wife to thrive. If you've constructed a life where your role is to support their worlds with finances, then what abundance are you truly providing? Money? They desire more than that. It might seem counterintuitive, but in that kind of situation, you are replaceable, right? Just needs a paycheck and their world goes on. This is a tricky concept to understand because with our typical thinking, nuking the nuclear family for your own gain sounds extremely selfish. But if you build yourself into a person that provides emotional, social, physical, and spiritual abundance, then you are the prize. You are what they chase.

In a more terse statement: you have to fix, improve, and continue on for you, not her. When it's a sustained pattern of desirable behaviors, then her attraction increases, which ignites her commitment and participation in the relationship. Need her to get a job? "Of course, honey! Let's plan this out together...."

You aren't alone in your problems, dude. There are many men who have enjoyed a few decades with a tradcon SAHM only to discover that the covert contract never existed and the reward for their hard work over the years was never going to actualize. The outcome is a harpy wife or a cheating wife or a divorcing wife or a distant wife or boredom or malaise or the worst: complacency.

So if she's communicating covertly (as women do) that she doesn't need to contribute to the relationship, ask yourself if you've given her a reason to. And go deeper than finances and loyalty. Go deeper than it's hormonal and depression on her part. Where did all of this originate? Self-reflection answers only.

I don't know why I'm releasing this energy into this comment, but maybe it'll help with some ideas. These aren't criticisms specific to you but maybe provide some fodder for experimentation in your life to initiate a different potential.

Great post

I needed to read that.
Thanks

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Her sole focus is on lunch with her friends, girls weekend with her friends, yoga with her friends, etc.

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Be very careful. This can sink your marriage with the quickness. Speaking from experience.