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Marriage over or salvageable?

Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:57 pm
Posted by DeSantis_2024
Member since Nov 2022
97 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:57 pm
Been married almost 10 years, have three young kids and that's definitely taken a huge toll on us. It feels more like we're co-parents now instead of spouses. Sex has gone from 2-3 times/week when we first got married to maybe once a week now. We went on an anniversary trip recently, and even when away from the kids for a bit finally, it didn't feel like the "good ole days" earlier in our marriage before kids.

I'm not happy with where our marriage stands but divorce seems like an even worse option between the huge financial hit it would impose on me and the damage it would do to the kids. Thoughts? Those of you that found your marriage in a similar rut, were you able to salvage your marriage and if so how?
This post was edited on 11/27/22 at 3:58 pm
Posted by GatorPA84
PNW
Member since Sep 2016
4802 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:57 pm to
In !!!
Posted by TDFreak
Dodge Charger Aficionado
Member since Dec 2009
7346 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:58 pm to
Inb4 “you’ve come to the right place”
Posted by wileyjones
Member since May 2014
2281 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:58 pm to
Sounds like life to me, ain’t no travesty…
Posted by elsu
H-town
Member since Aug 2004
977 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:58 pm to
Stick it out. Kids make it hard, but it will get better.
Posted by xraytiger
Colorado
Member since Jan 2005
686 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:58 pm to
If there’s still love from each other, it is salvageable.
Posted by Yellerhammer5
Member since Oct 2012
10850 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:59 pm to
Stay together for the kids, Ron. And for heavens sakes, please announce your candidacy already.
Posted by TexasTiger1984
Houston
Member since Sep 2009
1375 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 3:59 pm to
Divorce? shite that’s normal for someone married ten years with three young kids. Y’all gotta work through it, work on communicating more effectively and taking time for yourselves - without distractions, such as your phone, when you finally get time alone. Find those common interests again that don’t only involve the kids
Posted by Pechon
unperson
Member since Oct 2011
7748 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:00 pm to
quote:

maybe once a week now.


I would have been happy with that near the end of my marriage.

Once a week isn't the end of the world.

quote:

Divorce? shite that’s normal for someone married ten years with three young kids.


I'd have to agree, it can get much worse. I think you're going to be OK, OP.
This post was edited on 11/27/22 at 4:02 pm
Posted by lsunurse
Member since Dec 2005
128950 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:00 pm to
As long as no cheating has gone on…can still be salvageable

Once someone has cheated….time to bail. Once a lowlife piece of shite cheater always a lowlife piece of shite cheater and you will never trust them fully again.
Posted by LSUBogeyMan
Member since Oct 2021
1181 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:01 pm to
quote:

to maybe once a week now


This would be nice. You sound selfish.
Posted by dyslexiateechur
Louisiana
Member since Jan 2009
32021 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:02 pm to
Seriously, marriage has its ebbs and flows. Plenty of people hit that wall when they have young children. Keep trying to reach out to her and use what little time you have to your advantage.
Posted by fallguy_1978
Best States #50
Member since Feb 2018
48348 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:02 pm to
quote:

Sex has gone from 2-3 times/week when we first got married to maybe once a week now.

You are probably in the top 10% here for 10 years in
Posted by SelaTiger
Member since Aug 2016
17913 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:02 pm to
Maybe she’s a maga girl. Nothing you can do in that case except for jump on the Trump train.
Posted by Alyosha
Member since Nov 2020
6754 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:03 pm to
You sound weak.

Man up and stop sounding that it’s all about what you get out of it, you selfish child.
Posted by soccerfüt
Location: A Series of Tubes
Member since May 2013
65519 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:03 pm to
Nut up brah.

The best things in life are tough.

Anyone can quit, that’s easy.
Posted by DeSantis_2024
Member since Nov 2022
97 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:03 pm to
quote:

Divorce? shite that’s normal for someone married ten years with three young kids. Y’all gotta work through it, work on communicating more effectively and taking time for yourselves - without distractions, such as your phone, when you finally get time alone. Find those common interests again that don’t only involve the kids


We do try to make "us time", but the conversation just doesn't flow as well as our younger years when we were still in the "lovey dovey" phase. I think she was a much more easy going person before kids and the social isolation from the lockdowns, but now that's changed and I'm not sure if it can get back to the way it was.
Posted by L1C4
The Ville
Member since Aug 2017
13142 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:04 pm to
Kids can be a huge stress on a marriage.

If you can, find some time with just each other.
Like a date night one day a week.
Posted by Richard Grayson
Bestbank
Member since Sep 2022
2149 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:04 pm to
quote:

Sex has gone from 2-3 times/week when we first got married to maybe once a week now.


Are you still in as good a shape? Do you still put forth the same amount of effort? Do you still try and romance her like you did?

If there answer to any of those is no then do better.

quote:

We went on an anniversary trip recently, and even when away from the kids for a bit finally, it didn't feel like the "good ole days" earlier in our marriage before kids.


Marriage takes effort. Take a deep introspective look at how much effort you truly put into your marriage. How often do you do little things just so your wife will smile? How often do you sacrifice your own happiness or your own few minutes in a day just so your wife can have a few minutes to herself?

How often is the inverse of these things true?

How often do you do something for your wife and expect nothing in return?

Look deeper and honestly ask yourself How often do you “keep score” or intentionally but silently refuse to make her happy because she hasn’t done something for you that you never even communicated?

Selfishness is cancer to a relationship.

But also you cannot do it all yourself. If your wife has quit trying try open communication with her. Make some time to just talk about your relationship and make sure you are both on the same page.

Do not force the communication or interrogate your wife. Simply let her talk. How often do you truly listen instead of waiting on your turn to speak or trying to solve her problems?

quote:

divorce seems like an even worse option between the huge financial hit it would impose on me and the damage it would do to the kids. Thoughts?


Absent infidelity or some major breach of trust divorce is almost never the correct option. Divorce is far easier than maintaining yourself and your relationship.

Relationships are always reparable of both people put forth the effort. Relationships like people must grow and change. You must grow and change with them. You cannot stop time and you cannot stop change. You either make the effort to grow together or you grow apart but you never stop growing.

Good luck. Elevate your wife above yourself and lead by example. You cannot expect someone else to do what you won’t do yourself.
This post was edited on 11/27/22 at 4:30 pm
Posted by Donhogg1
Member since Oct 2022
94 posts
Posted on 11/27/22 at 4:05 pm to
It is normal for the wife to ignore the husband when children come. It shouldn't be this way but it happens. Stick it out I've been married for 20 years!!!
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