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re: Genuine OT help on a new engagee
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:04 am to Landmass
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:04 am to Landmass
quote:
Nobody really wants to be at your wedding and think of the money that you will save.
You must have been to some shitty weddings. Some of the high church weddings I have been to were a little long but all our friends and family had great receptions, I would go back and relive any of them although some of the mornings after were a little tough.
0
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:04 am to Pitch To Johnny
quote:
Fiance and I looked at wedding venue pricing for one day and immediately let everyone know we will be having an immediate family only ceremony at our in-laws back yard.
Its hard to cut people to fit a budget. Very easy to not invite anyone in the first place
It really is insane. We've seriously talked about just eloping at a destination (with just us) and then having a casual "reception" back home so everyone else can attend.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:08 am to RocketPower13
Sounds like there is somebody else.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:11 am to RocketPower13
Elope..... make you and her life easier. if he parents want to do something, then they can put on a reception dinner to "celebrate the new couple"
why waste all the money on a wedding.....
why waste all the money on a wedding.....
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:12 am to RocketPower13
Don't do a destination wedding dude, especially in HAWAII 
Nobody wants to spend thousands of dollars to go to your wedding. Monumental inconvenience for everyone, including the two of you. So many headaches that can be mitigated or avoided entirely by having a normal wedding
Get married close to home so that it's convenient for everyone, then the two of you can go to Hawaii for as long as you want.
Nobody wants to spend thousands of dollars to go to your wedding. Monumental inconvenience for everyone, including the two of you. So many headaches that can be mitigated or avoided entirely by having a normal wedding
Get married close to home so that it's convenient for everyone, then the two of you can go to Hawaii for as long as you want.
This post was edited on 10/9/23 at 9:14 am
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:12 am to BluegrassBelle
quote:
We've seriously talked about just eloping at a destination (with just us) and then having a casual "reception" back home so everyone else can attend.
Friend of mine did that. They got married just the two of them in Greece. She had a gorgeous dress and they got amazing photos of their elopement. Small party for family and friends when they got back.
Probably still cost them much less than what a typical wedding costs nowadays.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:20 am to RocketPower13
I think you are the only guy I’ve ever heard of telling the woman to hurry up and get married.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:20 am to adamau
quote:
You need to understand right this very minute, that crippling fear that she has of disappointing other and that desire that she is showing to base every important decision she makes on the feelings and perceived opinions of people that don't matter WILL NEVER CHANGE. It just won't. You need to be at peace with the idea that your wife will forever be guided and at times brought to a complete stop by the idea that what she's doing will bother people that you find their opinions completely and totally unimportant.
I'm telling you this will happen with everything and it will make absolutely zero common sense to you. Getting ready for dinner parties, what clothes she's going to wear, how your house is picked up or decorated before people come over, later on how your kids dress or getting ready for their birthday parties or trips etc, EVERYTHING!!!
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:21 am to Carson123987
quote:
Nobody wants to spend thousands of dollars to go to your wedding. Monumental inconvenience for everyone,
Yep. My brother is having everyone travel for his and they thinks it’s a vacation for everyone. It ain’t.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:49 am to Carson123987
Not at all my guy.
However, men, myself included, spend far to much time and energy trying to rationalize with women. It simply never works, just letting my man know what he's lined up for. The woman he's going to marry isn't going to suddenly hear his wonderful advice (provided by the OT of course) on why nothing she's doing makes any type of rational sense whatsoever, and suddenly realize he's exactly right and change. It's not gonna happen. So, he can learn how to find a calm balance in life knowing those facts or drive himself insane trying to "fix" her.
However, men, myself included, spend far to much time and energy trying to rationalize with women. It simply never works, just letting my man know what he's lined up for. The woman he's going to marry isn't going to suddenly hear his wonderful advice (provided by the OT of course) on why nothing she's doing makes any type of rational sense whatsoever, and suddenly realize he's exactly right and change. It's not gonna happen. So, he can learn how to find a calm balance in life knowing those facts or drive himself insane trying to "fix" her.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:56 am to adamau
I think also he needs to figure out if he's the type to want to "fix' another person. She's not broken, she is who she is. If she's a lady who cares what other people think of her, then that's who she is.
I know the OT doesn't believe it but there are women who aren't like that. Or at least they aren't fixated enough to let it impact a relationship. That happens when two people are well matched.
It sounds like in this case, the dude isn't well matched with his fiance.
A wedding is just an event for the marriage. The marriage is what's important.
Ask yourself what 30ish year old woman - who I assume would want kids - isn't doing everything she can to lock down a marriage? Red flags everywhere.
I know the OT doesn't believe it but there are women who aren't like that. Or at least they aren't fixated enough to let it impact a relationship. That happens when two people are well matched.
It sounds like in this case, the dude isn't well matched with his fiance.
A wedding is just an event for the marriage. The marriage is what's important.
Ask yourself what 30ish year old woman - who I assume would want kids - isn't doing everything she can to lock down a marriage? Red flags everywhere.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:57 am to RocketPower13
quote:
she wants the destination wedding
quote:These are mutually exclusive. The point of a destination wedding is so you DON'T have to deal with accommodating a bunch of people. Anyone who can come will come and those who can't don't have to feel bad about it. If she wants to accommodate all these people, then have it close to home.
But she wants to make sure it can accommodate all of our family members across the states
That's the reason she can't make any decisions, because she's trying to solve an unsolvable problem. Tell her to pick which alternative is more important to her, and go from there.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 9:58 am to adamau
quote:
Not at all my guy.
That would be me if I was stuck with a girl like that
I have a buddy that, for all his life, would show up early to every event. He was always there to help set up, start cooking, get things organized, etc. He started dating a girl that is exactly what you described. Now he is hours late to everything. She takes 2-3 hours to get ready, has to facetime her friends so that they can watch her try on 3 different outfits, etc. EXACTLY the type you're talking about
She's extremely cool otherwise, but I just couldn't be with someone like that. My personal nightmare
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:03 am to RocketPower13
quote:
this is her wedding for the rest of our lives
Also, y'all need to quickly separate these 2 concepts.
The wedding is one day. Your marriage is the rest of your lives. But if she (or you) can't separate the expectations for those 2 things, then it probably won't be for the rest of your lives...
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:08 am to Carson123987
The old marriage vows "richness poorness sickness and health" can this woman handle life? If you were to become ill, would she collapse or leave you because there were too many decisions to make?
She sounds like a third grader planning her birthday party. Has she grown up? She loves you, does she love being a bride a lot more?
After the wedding, will she be depressed because the future is going to be boring? She needs a mental evaluation and maybe you do, too.
She sounds like a third grader planning her birthday party. Has she grown up? She loves you, does she love being a bride a lot more?
After the wedding, will she be depressed because the future is going to be boring? She needs a mental evaluation and maybe you do, too.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:14 am to RocketPower13
Just go to the courthouse and get it over with.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:15 am to RocketPower13
quote:
I feel like I've offered every alternative but she's just adamant that "it's too overwhelming to plan anything right now"
I got married this year, so I've been following the wedding subreddits for about a year now.
You'd be surprised how many women cannot handle "the stress" at all. Like.. I don't know what they do for a living, but it must be a cake walk for a glorified party so stress them out so much. Unless you have cuckoo family drama, it shouldn't be that stressful.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:19 am to Carson123987
quote:
She takes 2-3 hours to get ready, has to facetime her friends so that they can watch her try on 3 different outfits, etc. EXACTLY the type you're talking about
She's extremely cool otherwise, but I just couldn't be with someone like that. My personal nightmare
I have a friend like this. Not the Facetiming part, but I legit think she must turn on Netflix when its time to be getting ready and just cannot get out of bed despite the time ticking away.
She took off of work for my wedding, so was home the entire day, and still missed my 5:30PM ceremony.
I love her to death, but I couldn't be with someone like that romantically. I'm very much an early/prompt person.This post was edited on 10/9/23 at 10:20 am
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:23 am to lsunurse
quote:
If you want all your elderly relatives there you are gonna have to ditch the destination wedding idea. Many of them may not 1) have the budget to travel and 2) physically can’t handle traveling so far due to medical conditions, etc.
You either want lots of family there or you want the destination wedding. Unless y’all are rolling in cash you won’t be having both…especially if y’all want Hawaii.
This and unless you know every person you want to attend can do so financially and physically, it's downright selfish to expect them to attend.
If she wants a destination wedding, she won't have all of her friends and family there. That's a fact. Destination weddings are far more stressful to plan, so the stress is going to be there much more than if she has the wedding more locally.
These are the things you should be discussing. Make a list of pros and cons of a destination wedding. Start there.
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:33 am to Gris Gris
quote:
Destination weddings are far more stressful to plan, so the stress is going to be there much more than if she has the wedding more locally.
This is true. You have to rely on emails and phone calls for communication since you are not there. And just hope it looks like what the pictures promise when you arrive.
If OP’s fiancee wants a beach wedding….have one at a location where the people you absolutely want there could easily drive to. Be willing to help pay for travel costs for immediate family that you really want there.
And everyone will say now they will absolutely go to your destination wedding. Ignore that. As it gets closer to the wedding more and more will back out. Stuff will come up that they will need to urgently financially take care of that will mean they can’t afford to go. Be understanding and don’t take it personally. No one cares as much about your wedding as you.
If you have a destination wedding do NOT expect gifts from them. They are spending $$$ to go…that’s your wedding gift.
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