Close relative is in hospice...(update page 5)

Sorry for your loss. God bless

Godspeed

Wife lost her mom like this in October, and yes it was hard

My father-in-law is going through this. It’s anger and confusion. It is not fun and I don’t think he’s thinking of any good moments in his life. I think there’s a point where they just give them drugs to keep them calm.

We don't know what is going on in their heads. Sometimes they are happy, but that can change quickly. I think of it more as one of those old silent film ending techniques where the visible part of the scene slowly gets smaller, until everything goes black. Their world closes in on them. You just have to be patient and try to focus on what makes them happy. I think Nancy Regan called it, the long goodbye.

I've been through it with my mom. Treasure the minutes you can treasure.

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there any chance they are living infinite bliss in the form of treasured memories of their earliest years (1st kiss, etc.)?

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This is interesting. As someone who has lost relatives as well and someone who has taken care of a LOT of patients with dementia, they always have somewhere to be. So maybe there is something to this? Always talking about or attempting to go to work or the store or check on something in a house from 30 years ago. If you try to prevent them from getting there, keep your chin tucked and eyes open.


My Mother in law recently passed. Quick decline after a catastrophic event. In the end she was talking about long dead relatives from her childhood and helping them with their work?

Sorry about your loved one.

We’ve had some who saw their momma and other relatives and had full on conversations with them. Except no one was there.

If I ever need, I want hospice. I don’t want to be in pain. I don’t want to be anxious.

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get in their boat and help them row.”

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That’s very good.

Just go with whatever they are talking about within the limits of their safety of course. There may be moments of clarity. If you struggle with them all the time to make them “understand” it’s hopeless.

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There are moments...

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my dad said my and both of my sisters names at Christmas this year. He hasn't said our names in at least a year. Im pretty sure he doesnt know who we are at this point. But it was like a gift to hear him say our names

Having visited an uncle in a nursing home yesterday, a lot of these thoughts are also going through my mind as well.

Even more hard hitting for me was thinking about how these people just sit all day in this place with so few visitors. The world just keeps trucking along outside. So many people longing for some interaction. I made it a point to smile and say hello to everyone I walked by while in there.

And God bless the support staff.

It really depends on the type and severity of dementia and the person who has it. My father died almost 2 years ago to the day of Covid and he had Alzheimer's/dementia. Even at almost 91 he did not lose his personality and remained the person he was, however he had lost all short term and long term memory. He was prone to daily or nightly small anxiety attacks/hallucinations but could be talked down from them and comforted. He could still enjoy a cocktail and still be engaging and charming as he ever was, but spent every minute of every day not knowing where he was or his identity if that makes sense. Just a few days before he got Covid I was talking to him and he was asking me all the usual questions, "What do you do for a living?", "Do you have any family?". He was very sly about the questions and covered his deficits very well. I'll never forget that last conversation. We had just put him in a memory care facility( I didn't want him there). After he asked me those questions I asked him one... "What about you- do you have any family?". He said "Well obviously there was some sort of tragedy involved...I mean, look where I am".

He knew who he was still but did not know his name or his place in the world. Quite unique I think, that he could still be so lucid and lost at the same time.

We throw away our people when they become too much to deal with it. It scars my soul to this day. I realize that not everyone is capable of caring for these type of patients at home, but I was willing to make that sacrifice if others could help me do so. I didn't work out that way, but I walked with him into his twilight, holding his hand figuratively and literally until I had no other option.

I suggest anyone else do the same because I don't regret one single moment of any burden, expenditure, or effort on my part.

He used to tell me right up until the end- " I know what you're trying to do for me, and I appreciate it.

He was in there...somewhere.