re: Check-in if Christmas has become too stressful

you seem pretty wise dude. would you recommend a wife or to just keep things simple. idk how to feel tbh

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I’ve begged for help, but he won’t shop for anyone or anything more than 4-5 days or a week at most in advance, and half the stuff they ask for is custom or has to be ordered.

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Firm boundaries

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and I want to figure out how to change it next year.

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I used to love Christmas but...the expectations from in laws, and everything being so damn rigid

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Where does your husband stand on things? I know it seems difficult but it should be really easy, easier if he's on your side.

You give your in-laws a heads up on how you are doing the event at your house, and then don't budget on any of your timelines and your events. If they give pushback before the day, tell them you have no concerns or qualms about going to their house or just let them know politely this is what is best for your kids and how it will be done.

I learned very early on that appeasing the in-laws is a no win game and can't ever be done, so we do it our way and let them know how it'll go, and that's that. If we're over at their house, then I accept however they want to do their things.

i try not to let issues from my childhood that tainted Christmas bleed into the present, so my dislike of the holiday isn't necessarily the large number of bad memories. it's truly b/c of seeing the issues in this very thread year after year with people i know

but, the history of trauma probably did help my family (mother, sister, brother) ensure we appreciated the right parts of Christmas. we don't even exchange gifts really and haven't since 2012 (when we all got each other Amazon gift cards). we will usually chip in for a big gift for mom (this year it was an apple watch)

Christmas and Thanksgiving being memory markers for my dad's death aren't really trauma, but they loom large. for the first time in a long time i actually said out loud all the stuff that happened 2 years ago from about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving until Dec (when my dad finally gave up and died) and it's insane. it didn't end there and i had to just suck it up and deal with constant stress and issues to fix until about April. i haven't fully recovered from that period and i will admit it

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psycho girl

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partner

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Truly crazy, but makes me offers I can't refuse.

Need to think more with my brain and less with my . . .

That is a worst case scenario, I’m sure.

I’ve been on one cruise and it was NOTHING like that. Plenty of space to move about. I enjoyed it. It was very serene and relaxing.

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tigerbandpiccolo

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Has your husband ever offered to help, etc?

I think me and my wife have different opinions on what should happen. That causes her to reject my offers of help, because "I won't do it right". So she ends up taking on all those tasks by herself, even when help is offered, which further leads to her stress, I am sure.

For example, buying presents. On many occasions I have offered / begged to let me be involved. She tells me no, because

1) I'll wait to the last minute
2) I won't know what people want
3) She enjoys shopping and finding deals

She does let me do some of the cooking. Cleaning the house - whatever I do, it's not to her standard, so she feels she has to go behind me, which of course gives her more work and also makes her more upset. If I miss a piece of hair behind the toilet, FFS, let it go. No one is getting on their hands and knees at Christmas dinner to inspect things.

The irony is with the exception of one sister that can kind of be a know-it-all, her family really doesn't care that much. They are all super laid back and really don't have any expectations. She's constantly trying to impress her mother... her mother doesn't give AF. She's just happy she doesn't have to cook.

I handle outdoor decorations and most of the indoor... and up until this year, she would always come behind me, "move this, change that", etc. This year I had it all done the Sunday after Thanksgiving and honestly she never said anything. Not sure if she just gave up or was actually happy with it.

I think next year I am going to try to push to handle my side of the family. On that side, we buy for my mom, my dad, my grandfather, my uncle (who hosts that side of the family for most holidays and we usually get him something Grinch-related because that's his thing), my sister, her 4 kids, and my cousin's young daughter.

That's the frustrating part. I'm not the guy who wakes up on Christmas Eve and says, hey, I'm going to the duck blind. I want to help and be involved.

We leave town to avoid family drama

he constantly tells me I’m stressing over nothing. But proceeds to do nothing, which is ironic bc it’s half my stress. The two gifts he agreed to buy were the wrong things despite his mom sending exact links. I don’t care about things being perfect, I just don’t like being told I’m over stressing...I wouldn’t be if I didn’t have to ask for help (and not really get it) 100 times.

And he does ask to go to duck blind the days leading up to Christmas (the days with 100 events of his family’s events) to which he receives an evil glare.

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tigerbandpiccolo

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imma need you to calm down a smidge

Thanks, lady