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Started By
Message
re: Unexpected Thoughts/Feelings after Losing a Loved One
Posted on 7/26/24 at 8:57 am to Geert
Posted on 7/26/24 at 8:57 am to Geert
everyone if different, if an older person who was in a lot of pain dealing with a long drawn out conviction, there my be relief and celebration that he/she is no longer suffering. If a young person, then different feeling all together. I'll read on here that someone's 87 year old dad has passed after a long illness and they're broken up over it. In that situation I think death is a blessing.
I all ways think of this, The last part is what we need to live by.
A Poem by Tecumseh
“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.
When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.
When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”
~ Chief Tecumseh
I all ways think of this, The last part is what we need to live by.
A Poem by Tecumseh
“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.
When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.
When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”
~ Chief Tecumseh
0
Posted on 7/26/24 at 8:58 am to Geert
Relief and then guilt for feeling relief
Posted on 7/26/24 at 9:03 am to Geert
quote:
Anyone care to share what you experienced that you didn’t see coming
I've lost several people close to me, including my parents and one friend by suicide, and thus far there's been nothing unexpected. The friend by suicide left me with just an overwhelming sadness for him that he felt it was his only way out. Otherwise my religious beliefs bring me great comfort knowing that death is only temporary; not be be overly feared or mourned over.
In the end you do your best while your here, try to help others as much as you can along the way, and treasure the memories you had and hopefully helped create.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 9:12 am to 257WBY
quote:
The gut punch is when you have something that you would share with them and then realize that you can’t pick up the phone and call them. The finality of the loss can be hard.
Lost my Mom this year. Nearly everyday I think, "I need to call Mom and tell her about _____." Tough to lose your biggest fan.
I can't imagine losing my wife.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 9:15 am to Jim Rockford
quote:
Lost my mother nearly three months ago to Alzheimers. I'm mostly still numb. We were very close and I think about her a lot but it's without any strong feelings of grief, which surprised me. The last eight years, and especially the last four years, and most especially the last year and a half were hard. You grieve as you go along and when it's over I guess most of the grieving is already done. I held her hand as she died. Looking back it seems unreal, like it happened to somebody else. I'm sure something will hit me eventually but it hasn't really yet.
Im currently going through this with both my parents at the same time. We are in the 2nd year of it. One is more advanced than the other. I honestly wish they would die peacefully. I am not even confused by the feelings. They both would rather be dead than how they are currently "living."
Posted on 7/26/24 at 9:18 am to Geert
I’m sorry for the loss
You’ll go through stages. Maybe 5 but some only go through 4
Starts with Denial and ends with acceptance.
Ie-
Denial
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
To the degree that you go through them will depend on your personality. Some people stuck in depression longer. Some stick in anger longer.
Give yourself some latitude. It’s okay to feel the feeling you’ll have.
Five stages of grief
You’ll go through stages. Maybe 5 but some only go through 4
Starts with Denial and ends with acceptance.
Ie-
Denial
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
To the degree that you go through them will depend on your personality. Some people stuck in depression longer. Some stick in anger longer.
Give yourself some latitude. It’s okay to feel the feeling you’ll have.
Five stages of grief
Posted on 7/26/24 at 9:32 am to Geert
quote:
Just lost a family member after a long drawn out death in hospice.
Just be there. I always try to validate the feeling of relief as well. Friend's mom went through a long dementia battle and after I said "Hey man, it's ok to feel relieved. Don't feel guilty for that." He was so happy about that and was like, "wow, thanks, I am so happy to hear someone acknowledge that"
So now I tell everyone that.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 10:33 am to SteelerBravesDawg
My father passed after a decade long degenerative illness. People kept telling me “you think you are going to be prepared, but you arent”. I took great effort to try to have as few regrets as possible (spending time with him, telling him things I wanted him to know, honoring his requests) and girded up to be devastated. He and I spoke frankly about his lack of fear or trepidation about dying and, by the end, his desire to be out of his miserable situation. I was prepared. I handled the necessary business and saw to my mothers overwhelming grief. I spoke with a therapist friend of mine…not in a therapy environment, but casually…and she said I grieved in advance as he declined. Made sense to me. Now…I am sometimes absolutely overwhelmed by missing him or wishing I could ask his advice. But would I bring him back into his suffering to appease my grief? No.
About a year after my dads death, a close friend committed suicide. A total shock and practically a physical blow when I was told. The funeral was held in the same room as my fathers, and the juxtaposition of the two and how I felt during them was profound. There was a lot confusion, regret, and latent anger at my friends funeral—not just on my part.
I expected more trauma when my dad passed, and was taken aback at the effect on me when my friend did.
About a year after my dads death, a close friend committed suicide. A total shock and practically a physical blow when I was told. The funeral was held in the same room as my fathers, and the juxtaposition of the two and how I felt during them was profound. There was a lot confusion, regret, and latent anger at my friends funeral—not just on my part.
I expected more trauma when my dad passed, and was taken aback at the effect on me when my friend did.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 10:51 am to Geert
quote:
Unexpected Thoughts/Feelings after Losing a Loved One
It gave me a new perspective on death/grief and made me feel a little dumb for how I handled deaths in the past.
I never used to know what to say or how to react when family or friends experienced loss and used to think why would anyone want to hear from me in their time of loss. After experiencing loss myself, I realized how dumb that line of thinking was and that even just simple texts from people you may not have heard from for years are greatly appreciated and not looked at in any sort of negative light.
This post was edited on 7/26/24 at 11:00 am
Posted on 7/26/24 at 10:56 am to Geert
One thing that is surprising is that grief has no schedule. You think you're going to be sad at Christmas, but you may not be. Birthdays, anniversaries...maybe not those either.
It hits you out of nowhere. It can be the most mundane thing you want to share with that person, or you realize you don't know how to cook one of their best recipes and it's a punch in the gut. This has surprised me over the years.
It hits you out of nowhere. It can be the most mundane thing you want to share with that person, or you realize you don't know how to cook one of their best recipes and it's a punch in the gut. This has surprised me over the years.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 11:15 am to Geert
After watching them suffer for a while it was relief for them and family followed by sadness, some depression, much grief……..and then longing for their companionship. And I felt a bit happy at times that the person was not suffering still. Grief remains but the other emotions fade a bit.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 11:23 am to Geert
For me, it was relief for them since they were no longer suffering when having a long term, drawn out illness that robs them of their ability to enjoy even the simplest of things.
When a death is long in coming, I really don't feel a lot of what people consider the mourning process. The ones that affect me the most are the sudden deaths, either by unforeseen health issues or by accidents-----those tend to affect me more.
When a death is long in coming, I really don't feel a lot of what people consider the mourning process. The ones that affect me the most are the sudden deaths, either by unforeseen health issues or by accidents-----those tend to affect me more.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 11:41 am to John Casey
quote:
It gave me a new perspective on death/grief and made me feel a little dumb for how I handled deaths in the past.
I never used to know what to say or how to react when family or friends experienced loss and used to think why would anyone want to hear from me in their time of loss. After experiencing loss myself, I realized how dumb that line of thinking was and that even just simple texts from people you may not have heard from for years are greatly appreciated and not looked at in any sort of negative light.
It really show you who your friends are, and for the most part aren't. If I were a better person I wouldn't keep score about such things. But I'm not a better person. I remember who was there and who wasn't.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 11:49 am to LSUJML
quote:
The guilt of not saying I love you to them more
Yep. People who say they have no regrets have never lost a loved one.
I hope you are doing well JML. Time helps, and someone or multiple people to talk to about it.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 11:51 am to SlidellCajun
quote:
I’m sorry for the loss
You’ll go through stages. Maybe 5 but some only go through 4
Starts with Denial and ends with acceptance.
Ie-
Denial
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
To the degree that you go through them will depend on your personality. Some people stuck in depression longer. Some stick in anger longer.
Give yourself some latitude. It’s okay to feel the feeling you’ll have.
I'm still shocked and angry about my grandfather's dying when I was 12 years old. It was unexpected (at least to me) and I've never gotten over it completely.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 11:57 am to Geert
Grief can be strange. Sometimes the littlest things can be a potent reminder, which will bring tears to your eyes.
Guilty feelings for not remembering things from the past as well as I think I should. Struggling to remember them in a state before the end.
Paradoxical feelings of acceptance, relief (that their suffering is over), disbelief, and anger at the unfairness of it all.
Guilty feelings for not remembering things from the past as well as I think I should. Struggling to remember them in a state before the end.
Paradoxical feelings of acceptance, relief (that their suffering is over), disbelief, and anger at the unfairness of it all.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 11:57 am to Geert
quote:
a long drawn out death in hospice.
My wife is a hospice nurse and she says that a lot of people feel guilty because they feel a sense of relief after a long drawn out death. Its not the feeling they expect and they feel like they are dishonoring their loved one by feeling relief. She explains that slow deaths are a burden on the next of kin and the relief is not because you want them dead but because you saw they were suffering and the suffering is now over for both the loved one and the family.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 11:58 am to LSUJML
quote:Congrats!! That’s awesome news!
I’m good, getting married in 2 months & patiently waiting for baseball season
Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:02 pm to Geert
Relief and peace. My parents died six months apart. Both painful miserable deaths.
Friends offered me places to stay afterwards, but I felt really strange telling them that all of a sudden my home felt peaceful for the first time in over a year.
The sense of relief that they weren't suffering any more was more than the anger that the medical mistake that made my Father's treatment worse than it needed be.
Friends offered me places to stay afterwards, but I felt really strange telling them that all of a sudden my home felt peaceful for the first time in over a year.
The sense of relief that they weren't suffering any more was more than the anger that the medical mistake that made my Father's treatment worse than it needed be.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:02 pm to CrappyPants
quote:Thank you for posting this. I 100% feel this way also. I much prefer a celebration of life with no casket viewing and a video montage of the person's life in the good times if they passed in old age. A young person just a service with photos and no casket viewing also. I absolutely hate having memories of an open casket along with my great memories. It is not closure for me, only increased sadness. I believe a service or celebration of life is needed for closure. Speaking all about the person and communal grieving is necessary.
The hard part for me was seeing my loved one in a box, dressed up, looking like they were sleeping. And then seeing them moved into their grave. I hate everything funeral because of that.
Funerals are not normal for me. I can't explain it. I understand people wanting "closure" but seeing your loved one like that and hearing people crying and having people come up to you telling you how sorry they are just pissed me off. I hated everything about it. I wish they didn't exist.
When you die, you die. An easy burial and small prayer ceremony without the sight of them would be enough for me.
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