re: Affairs... (very long)

I'm not saying it's right, but sometimes people have one night stands on work trips, conferences, etc, situations very similar to yours. Even the post-event flirt-texting.

The second trip is where shite got real for you.

the original hookup can be explained by drunk, horny stupidity, but the second trip? There's something not right with your marriage for you to have done that.

good luck.

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I’ve seen the recurring posts about this topic on the OT and I’ve always noted that no one ever admits to being in an affair. I’m at the closure of one and need to type out some therapy so I’m turning to the OT. I don’t care if some don’t read this wall of text because it is not for advice but rather for me to air this out. When you’re depressed about something or worried about your kids or whatever, you can talk to your wife or your parents or your friends. When you’re in an affair, you must internalize it and you can’t say a word to anyone about what you are going through.

Used to post under a different name but created a new one because I know a couple of people here in real life. Never posted a lot so no need to finger point about alters.

Dear diary, dear facebook...here is what one looks like in real life.

This woman is 13 years younger than me (no pics). She knew since the first day she met me I had a wife and kids and I never hid this fact (she also has a child but is single). I have never done anything with another woman since I said “I do” 16 years ago. I also have children. Part of the reason I’m posting this is because I don’t even know how I got in this situation, so I wanted to relive it. It’s like I blinked and I was in so deep.

This woman is a client of my company and I met her at a conference in 2017. Where she lives is about 700 miles from me and I don’t work with her directly, so I didn’t talk to her until again until the same conference in 2018. Small talk asking about family and work and a nice dinner with all our clients and staff at the conference is all I saw of her (same as 2017). Didn’t speak to her again until the same conference in 2019.

In 2019 the conference starts out much the same and the prior 2 years. We all take an Uber to the restaurant and enjoy a high-end meal and some wine and then head back to the hotel where we are all staying. A smaller group heads to one of the hotel bars and sits around a fire pit. I’m sitting by her and we are having some small talk. She asks about my family and I ask about hers in addition to catching up on work. I head to the bar for another drink and she says I’ll come with you. She is starting to get flirty at this point but not overly. Touching me more, leaning into me at the bar. I say I need to use the restroom and she does as well. The bathrooms are separate M/W, but they are around the corner and down the hall from the bar in the restaurant section. I finish up, wash my hands and walk out and she is standing there and immediately leans in for a kiss. I’ve had women come on to me before while married and I’ve always removed myself from the situation and not done anything. I did not in this case, and we have some passionate making out and groping in the hall. She asks if she can come back to my room and I say yes without hesitation.

The hotel was more of a resort and somewhat big, so it wasn’t a short walk back to room. I had a thousand opportunities to hit the brakes on this and I still don’t know why I didn’t. We get into my room and immediately start making out and pulling off each other’s clothes. This girl is very attractive and in shape but not supermodel by any stretch. She’s cleanly waxed, wearing a thong and whispering the sexiest things in my ear. We have a long sex session and it was amazing. The only reason I was able to go as long as I did was because we were both somewhat dehydrated from all the wine at dinner, so we kept stopping to drink water and change positions (let that be a tip if you are having trouble with the stamina). We screwed all over my room and in every position you could imagine. It was amazing. We both finished and then laid there talking for about an hour. There is some heavy petting and kissing going on while we are talking and suddenly, I’m ready for round 2 which just doesn’t happen for me at 40 years old. Second session nowhere near as good as the first but still damn good. I walk her back to her room and it is about 2 or 3 am at this point. She asks for my number so she can text me and we exchange them and then a kiss goodnight.

When I get back to my room the nausea and guilt hit. The reality of what just happened and 16 years of marriage and kids hits me like a brick wall. I throw up and then get in the shower and lay on the floor with water running on me for at least an hour. I was flying out early the next morning and I don’t think I slept any. The conference wasn’t over and she was staying another night. We met in the lobby at the coffee stand while she was going into conference and I was waiting for Uber. Talked about how it sucked I was leaving and exchanged an awkward hug and I left. At the airport you could see this weight all over my face, but I told my travel companions it was a hangover. In the airport I’m googling how to tell your wife you cheated and pretty much resolved to the fact that I have to let her know as soon as I see her. I call my best friend from college who lives a couple of states over from me and tell him what happened and that I’m going to tell my wife. He convinces me that is crazy and I should recognize this was a one-off mistake and take this secret to my grave. I agree.

We start texting each other slowly and she is finding reasons to ask me about work stuff and just joke around. This goes on for several days and maybe even a week before it escalates. When I say escalate it went to constant texting and not just her. I was responding and instigating. We are just becoming good friends and texting all the time. I remember texting her that I needed to jump in the shower and would have to respond later (texts were that frequent). She says something along the lines of how she would love to see that, and I respond that her pics would be better. This opened the flood gates for the nude pics and sexts and now we are texting even more. She lived 700 miles away and sexting became the outlet for no intercourse. The pics and videos she sent were jaw dropping. I was addicted.

Over the next month and a half, I attempted to draw back and put her at arm’s length a couple of times. From the first day I told her I had no intention of leaving my wife and kids and reiterated that multiple times. Her response was always we are just having fun and I’m not looking for anything. She had her kid and her career and didn’t have time for a “real” relationship. I was able to convince myself this was just a fun thing and we would let it run its course. Somehow over this time she is still sending nudes, but we are sexting less, and the conversations become much deeper. I learn about her, what she’s been through, her family, past relationships and I tell her all of this about me. We are also regularly talking about work through all of this and since we are in the same field and both of our careers are skyrocketing so we have that stress in common. I go from meticulously deleting texts and pics to saving them because I want to revisit later.

Everything I learn about her infatuates me. She has this indescribable happy outlook and positive vibe. Never in a bad mood when we talk or text. She has so much energy that it is rubbing off on me. She sends me songs by new artists and shares articles and wine recommendations. A millennial in that she documents everything via photo and sends it to me. She tells me she really wants to see me. It so happens that my family is going out of town without me for about 5 days in the next couple of weeks. We both decide that meeting in my hometown is a bad idea and it would be better if I could drive and not fly. We find a city with a large airport that is about 150 miles from me and agree to meet for a weekend. In hindsight, this was probably the beginning of the end, but it was also the peak.

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+1

Man I've been there and I was the guy who said he would never do it. In fact, I just ended it last week. The mistake you made was getting feelings for someone who was never going to work out in the long run. Also, remember those feelings are not even true. It's what experts call new relationship energy. Infatuation rather than true love.

I agree with your college friend. Don't tell your wife as it would just hurt her. Infidelity to the betrayed spouse can literally cause PTSD symptoms. I mean if you want to leave her, just leave her, but don't confess just to clear your own conscience. This is something you are going to have to live with

Have you and the wife had sex during this period?

I feel sorry for you but I feel even worse for your wife. Karma. May you experience it a million times over in your next life.

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Juice ain’t worth the squeeze, trust me


But...I understand the thrill. It’s taboo. It’s cloak and dagger, sneaking around. It’s a high, a rush.

But it leaves a trail of broken people in its wake. And it’s broken you too, whether you realize it yet or not.

Only hard step is the first one. After that it’s a mad sprint into the bosom of iniquity. You’ll throw everything that really matters away chasing that high.

You’re tainted now. An oathbreaker. Somewhere deep in you you’ll feel a poison fester and eat at you. You might try to confess in a futile attempt to alleviate your guilt.

Don’t. You’ll just break more hearts.

You did the deed. Just take it to your grave.

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Every once in awhile you post some great shite, like this one. Then you go and fricke it up with crazy bullshite. I really want to like you, I really do.

Thanks for sharing your experience so people will have the 1 millionth example that cheating is wrong and bad.

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She’s cleanly waxed, wearing a thong

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The bathrooms are separate M/W, but they are around the corner and down the hall from the bar in the restaurant section. I finish up, wash my hands and walk out and she is standing there and immediately leans in for a kiss. I’ve had women come on to me before while married and I’ve always removed myself from the situation and not done anything. I did not in this case, and we have some passionate making out and groping in the hall. She asks if she can come back to my room and I say yes without hesitation. The hotel was more of a resort and somewhat big, so it wasn’t a short walk back to room. I had a thousand opportunities to hit the brakes on this and I still don’t know why I didn’t. We get into my room and immediately start making out and pulling off each other’s clothes. This girl is very attractive and in shape but not supermodel by any stretch. She’s cleanly waxed, wearing a thong and whispering the sexiest things in my ear. We have a long sex session and it was amazing.

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All I could think about reading this is the Vince McMahon gif that keeps escalating until he falls out the chair