re: Funniest One-liner Your HS Coach Ever Said To You

My top two: both college pitching coach...

1. "We are walking around like we are scared. I want somebody... ANYBODY.. to walk out there, drop your pants and rub your nuts on the mound. So what about it boys? Who's gonna stick their cock in it and let it marinate for a while?"

2. While doing a fall intrasquad and our pitchers couldn't find the zone, he calls the whole staff down to the bullpen and sticks an outfielder on the bump to pitch... "who is on the mound?" we all respond "Jones." He proceeds to say "Jones isn't a pitcher. He is an outfielder. But you motherfrickers are acting like this is the march of dimes out here holding a fricking walk-a-thon. Well let me tell you something... it isn't the march of dimes, and even though we have an outfielder dressed up as a pitcher right now, this isn't halloween either! So get out there and throw some fricking strikes or yall will all wind up working at McDonalds...Trick-or-Treat motherfirckers give me a sandwich."

Defensive line coach used to tell us O-linemen that we had the body of a god, too bad its Buddha

Our defensive line coach used to teach us to fire off the line and shoot our hands to the offensive lineman’s armpits. He’d tell us to target the little flab of fat right at the crease of the pits.

The “wisdom titty” as he called it

Not funny - The coach having a schtick like “I said to myself, ‘Self…’”

fricking hilarious - The team went out for a team building activity to see a movie and one of the characters onscreen used that bit. The rest of the theater was pissed we were laughing at something they didn’t think was funny.

I was a TE and we were running route drills against the defense. The TE in front me was supposed to do a 5 yard curl route and he half assed it and the linebacker picked it.

Coach goes ballistic and screams “Come fricking back here and do it again, I’m gonna get a pink pussy sticker and slap in on the side of that helmet if you tip toe a route one more time”

I’ll never forget that

SHUT UP AND GET A LAP !!

We were practicing on our football stadium field instead of the practice field when we saw the Good Year Blip flying over us.
One of my teammates yelled "look coach its the Good Year Blip !!" Our coach swung around and told him to shut up and run a lap around the stadium thinking he was goofing around.

Blimp was on its way from Dallas to KC when it stopped and stayed the night at our local airport 10 miles north of our stadium.

If I had a knife, I would slit your throat.

Classic.

The simple ones were the best

Coach: “Son… I need you to run as fast as a silverback gorilla…. Have you ever seen a silverback gorilla?”

Me: “ No sir”

Coach: “THATS RIGHT THEY’RE TOO DAMN FAST!!!”

Not a one-liner from a coach, but a referee who used to be a coach... He's reffing a basketball game where a kid was known for bouncing the ball high into the air when something didn't go his way. Sure enough the kid gets a call he doesn't like it, spikes the ball, and the ref tells the coach, "If that comes down you're getting a technical".

Had an assistant coach in high school that had a million of them. He had a really distinctive voice… a yat accent and a bit of a lisp which made everything he said sound funny anyway

“Son, if you’re an athlete, I’m an astronaut”

“They’re gonna knock your jock in your watch pocket”

One of our players, a lineman, for some odd reason wore a ball cap to football practice like a back up qb would back in the day. He told him “Red, you look like a God Damn All American”

During a game one night our head coach got into it with the ref over a bad call. It turned into a big frickas with multiple unsportsmanlike penalties being call on the head coach. It’s like first and 45 when it finally settles down. It’s all quiet and suddenly the asst coach says “ahh ref, ya stupid”. Whistle, Flag, 1st and 60