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re: How do you deal with the guilt of living far away from your aging parents?
Posted on 3/6/24 at 4:54 pm to philly444
Posted on 3/6/24 at 4:54 pm to philly444
We moved back to Louisiana in part to be near parents and in laws. We built a house within walking distance from in laws. For a while kids went over all the time and we had dinner with them multiple times a week. Then they decided to move over an hour away, and complained we did not visit enough. When they began to have trouble caring for themselves we had many emergency drives over there, until they realized they needed to be in a retirement community. But they did not like any near us, so they went to Houston. Still complain we don't visit and that they are lonely. So no, we don't feel guilty at all.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 4:55 pm to BK Lounge
Nah. Lost everything in a flood. Had cancelled flood insurance two years before without telling me.
Im still pissed about that.
Im still pissed about that.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 4:56 pm to philly444
Our realtor neighbor says he gets a lot of people who grew up and moved away. Their parents die and they engage him to sell the house and dispose of the contents. Sometimes they don't even come back.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 4:56 pm to philly444
Our realtor neighbor says he gets a lot of people who grew up and moved away. Their parents die and they engage him to sell the house and dispose of the contents. Sometimes they don't even come back.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 4:58 pm to philly444
I hated it when my Dad was put in a nursing home knowing he would die in there. I was working in Dallas and he was in NE Louisiana. He lasted 10 days. I had to be the one to tell him he had to go into the nursing home and he replied back to me "to die". I broke down. I still regret it. My Mom died six weeks later.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:00 pm to philly444
I was offered job opportunites out of state. I stayed put and made my own opportunities (changed career and bought rent houses).
My now deceased Mom told me in her later years "you've always been there for me."
My now deceased Mom told me in her later years "you've always been there for me."
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:01 pm to RetiredSaintsLsuFan
Up noted in sympathy not because I "liked" your post
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:01 pm to chinhoyang
quote:
Dad joined the Marines when he was 18 and stayed in the Marines for 32 years.
I am guessing he went Enlisted out of high school and then became a Mustang Officer and made it up the chain? Anyway, very impressive career staying in that long but obviously in your post, it meant a lot of time spent away from family where you missed a large part of connecting with them.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:03 pm to philly444
Won’t leave mine. Pros outweigh the cons for me.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:12 pm to philly444
It was pretty difficult on my wife when she lost her dad a few years ago. She was going back and forth to Birmingham, trying to manage her job and having a kid in high school. No real good flight options either so 12 hrs of driving each time.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:17 pm to fallguy_1978
how to deal with the guilt........when doable opportunities to help come up, go for it. their aging , your retirement will provide the circumstances. I helped two parents through hospice, after spending 17 years in the Middle East away from them
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:23 pm to philly444
Mine 72/71 year old parents live 5 minutes away. And my 100 year old grandfather 25 minutes. So don’t have that issue yet. But my parents are planing on moving out of state when my grandfather passes. So will eventually have to deal with that.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:24 pm to philly444
That's how I've been with my mama the past few years. I've applied for a bunch of jobs near her, but have only gotten one interview for a job I didn't get. She's in her 70s and only has so much left, would sure be nice to be closer while I have the chance.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:27 pm to philly444
quote:
They just entered their 70s and I feel like I’m missing out on their remaining years
You got decades with them, and there is Facetime, unlike when I got an audio tape once a month from my USN dad on a ship somewhere. If they're like most parents from that era, they get an absurd amount of joy out of watching their kids succeed, and grandkids of course, that you probably undervalue. They live for that shite. One of my sisters adopted a preemie, and my step father looks like a 13 year old boy playing with that kid.
Do you really think they want you to take a pay cut and live in some shitehole in LA to be around them to figuratively wipe their butts? I tried to fly my grandparents down from the midwest (in First, humble brag) multiple times, and they were just, "F it, we're tired."
Like Denis Leary said, your most miserable years are the ones at the end. Send cards, send physical letters. They most probably will take a ton of pride in you doing things for your family that they couldn't. It sounds like they grew up fresh out of the depression/WWII, so worry less about what you think matters to you, and what moves the needle for them. There were dads that didn't meet their kids until they were four or five years old. Don't dramatize the struggle.
Send your mom flowers the third Friday of every month (she will circle that on the calendar for sure). Send your dad a BBQ box (or whatever he's into) every month. Give him a gift certificate for a lawnmower blade sharpening, or send him stuff from Bass Pro that he likes. Order them home delivery food once a month.
You're not worried, currently, about making them happy, you're worrying about your guilt. Guilt is why MBAs in Louisiana work at Chilis for years.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:29 pm to philly444
Do not feel bad…you have your life..make a point to visit on one or two holidays and of course invite them to visit you
Fwiw…aging parent…
Only regret I have is my parents both died within a year of me retiring and I did not get the opportunity to go hang with them when I had unlimited time again.
Fwiw…aging parent…
Only regret I have is my parents both died within a year of me retiring and I did not get the opportunity to go hang with them when I had unlimited time again.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:34 pm to philly444
My dad told me at 18, 'don't live your life for me or your mom, live it for you'. It's pretty basic advice, but it was in response to your concern. Basically, he was saying that they raised me and it's my time to make my way in life. It helped hearing those words.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:39 pm to philly444
When my aging father re-married as a widower and moved 4 hours away, I bought his house and kept his room the same. Several years later he moved back down to our hometown and was right around the corner from me. The last 2 years of his life, the quality of life decreased greatly but we were able to watch Atlanta Braves games on tv together. He passed over a year ago and I am so thankful we were able to spend that time together in his last few years. When they are gone, you realize the time you spent with them wasn’t enough.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:43 pm to philly444
Dealing with this now. Wife (no pics) is in residency 4.5 hours away from home. We love it here and don't want to move back to louisiana but both of our families are there. Tough decision coming in the next year.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:55 pm to philly444
You made the difficult choice so your kids wouldn't have to.
In so doing, you also set the precedent for your kids that they can choose to better themselves the same way if they think the place you chose is also a shithole.
In so doing, you also set the precedent for your kids that they can choose to better themselves the same way if they think the place you chose is also a shithole.
This post was edited on 3/6/24 at 5:58 pm
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