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Started By
Message
What are your best jokes to tell to a group?
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:04 am
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:04 am
Here are a few:
So a man walks into a bar and has a drink and after a while needs a piss. So he goes to the bathroom and whilst at the urinal he glances down and sees a midget in a green suit.
Now normally he'd just go about his day but he notices this midget has the absolute most enormous Cock he's ever seen, like a baby arm hanging off of his crotch.
Flabbergasted, the man musters up the courage and asks "Look, I'm not trying to be creepy or anything, but how does such a little man come to have such an enormous cock!?"
The little man says, in a heavy Irish accent "Well you see boyo, I'm a leprechaun, and we all have massive dongs."
The man replies, astounded, "A Leprechaun!?"
And the little man says "Yes. And in fact, now that you've caught me, I can grant you anything you want in this world, with one stipulation."
The man asks, "what's that?"
The little man replies, "You have to let me frick you up the arse."
The man is wary, but thinks about the immense wealth he could gain from his wish, and how no one else would know, so he agrees to do it and they walk into a stall.
The little man climbs up on the toilet, pulls the man's pants down and starts fricking.
After a minute he asks, "How old are ya lad?"
The man replies "35"
The little man says "35 and you still believe in leprechauns!?"
~~~~~~~~~~
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
~~~~~~~
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
~~~~~~~
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
~~~~~~~
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"
So a man walks into a bar and has a drink and after a while needs a piss. So he goes to the bathroom and whilst at the urinal he glances down and sees a midget in a green suit.
Now normally he'd just go about his day but he notices this midget has the absolute most enormous Cock he's ever seen, like a baby arm hanging off of his crotch.
Flabbergasted, the man musters up the courage and asks "Look, I'm not trying to be creepy or anything, but how does such a little man come to have such an enormous cock!?"
The little man says, in a heavy Irish accent "Well you see boyo, I'm a leprechaun, and we all have massive dongs."
The man replies, astounded, "A Leprechaun!?"
And the little man says "Yes. And in fact, now that you've caught me, I can grant you anything you want in this world, with one stipulation."
The man asks, "what's that?"
The little man replies, "You have to let me frick you up the arse."
The man is wary, but thinks about the immense wealth he could gain from his wish, and how no one else would know, so he agrees to do it and they walk into a stall.
The little man climbs up on the toilet, pulls the man's pants down and starts fricking.
After a minute he asks, "How old are ya lad?"
The man replies "35"
The little man says "35 and you still believe in leprechauns!?"
~~~~~~~~~~
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
~~~~~~~
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
~~~~~~~
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
~~~~~~~
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:05 am to fr33manator
It's 6 in the morning dude.
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:06 am to fr33manator
Two blondes walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:18 am to fr33manator
The Monty Python crew tell this on themselves.
Early in their assembled career, they were touring Germany as a troupe. They were in Munich and wanted to visit Dachau. They van carrying them gets to the site of the camp, they all get out to find that the visiting hours were over and it was closed for the day. Graham Chapman told their German handler, "Tell them we're Jews. They'll let us in."
That's a great Passover story.
Early in their assembled career, they were touring Germany as a troupe. They were in Munich and wanted to visit Dachau. They van carrying them gets to the site of the camp, they all get out to find that the visiting hours were over and it was closed for the day. Graham Chapman told their German handler, "Tell them we're Jews. They'll let us in."
That's a great Passover story.
This post was edited on 2/24/17 at 6:18 am
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:19 am to fr33manator
If a woman with 2 breast works at Hooters, where does a woman with 1 leg work?
IHOP.
IHOP.
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:23 am to Murray
quote:
It's 6 in the morning dude.
Why aren't you at work?
Okay, so what's a pirate's favorite type of movie?
RATED ARRRRRR!
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
The Sea!
What's a pirate's favorite pastime?
Rape.
This post was edited on 2/24/17 at 6:25 am
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:25 am to fr33manator
Holocaust or Pollack jokes are good to warm up a crowd with.
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:25 am to fr33manator
What do you call mike tyson with no arms?
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:27 am to fr33manator
Every time we get a sack of oysters to shuck and eat at the house my grandfather tells this joke:
What's the difference between an epileptic ouster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits
What's the difference between an epileptic ouster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:27 am to fr33manator
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks!
Your job still sucks!
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:28 am to fr33manator
quote:
Why aren't you at work?
You don't worry about where I am.
It's never too early for jokes. Even bad ones. You posted a novel. That's not fun.
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:30 am to fr33manator
I always liked the one where the teacher calls the kids up to the board one at a time and they each have to add something to the picture,, and then little Johnny comes up and turns it into his dad in the shower bending over to pick up a bar of soap
This post was edited on 2/24/17 at 6:33 am
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:35 am to fr33manator
quote:
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Many a man think it's Arrrrr but 'tis the sea.
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:36 am to I am GLORIOUS
Genie, something, something, magic lamp, blah, blah, a wish.
So the guy says, "Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"
So the guy says, "Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"
Posted on 2/24/17 at 6:42 am to fr33manator
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
Posted on 2/24/17 at 7:22 am to TheFonz
Why do Polish names end in "-ski"?
Because they can't spell toboggan
Because they can't spell toboggan
Posted on 2/24/17 at 7:26 am to fr33manator
boys need to stand up and be strong and
girls need to sit down and be quiet
girls need to sit down and be quiet
Posted on 2/24/17 at 7:56 am to CoachChappy
I'm against picketing but don't know how to show it.
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