re: What are your best jokes to tell to a group?

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday










AYYYEEE MATEY

A guy was having coffee and reading the newspaper in a local coffee shop across the street from the church in town. As he's reading the newspaper, his attention is captured by what looks like a funeral procession. There is a man walking his dog in front of two hearses, and behind the hearses, a single file line of about 200 men. Struck with curiosity, the man exits the coffee shop, crosses the street and approaches the man and his dog. "Excuse me sir, I understand that you may be having a very difficult time right now, but I have to know what's going on here. Why are you walking a dog in front of two hearses?"

The Man replies "Well you see, one hearse is for wife, and the other is for my mother in law.. My dog ate them both"

So the guy asked "oh WOW! Can I borrow your dog?"

other guy said "Get in line."

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people actually try that?”

“Sure.”

“Damn. Still, that’s a lot of money. I gotta ask, what are the three tasks?”

“Well, first, you need to go over to the bouncer over there. Yeah, the tall, muscular guy. And you gotta knock him out in one punch.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Next, in the backward we have this wild rottweiler. Nasty dog. Rabid. And it has a bad tooth. We tried having the vet over, but he won’t come anywhere near the beast. The task is to take out his bad tooth.”

“Uh huh.”

“And finally, there’s this lady upstairs. She owns the place. She’s quite old. Sixty five, maybe seventy. Very nice lady. She lost her husband a decade ago and, well … she’s lonely. The task is to go see her and give her some.”

“That is twisted, my friend. Wow. It’s amazing that anyone thinks they can pull all this off. People these days… Anyway.”

The guy drinks his beer, and then has another. And another. And another. Now quite inebriated, he punches the counter and yells, “Whatever man, I’ll do your stupid challenge!”

He throws in a $50 bill, goes to the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder, and WHAM! The bouncer is down in one punch. Everyone in the bar suddenly groups around the scene and starts cheering frantically. The guy shouts, “Where’s the damn dog at?”, people push him to the backdoor, which he pushes. The crowd awaits, hearing nothing at first. Then, muffled screams, punches, scratches and howls coming from behind the door.

Finally, the door opens again, and the guy paces into the bar, slowly, his shirt ripped apart and stained with blood, breathing loudly. Finally, he throws his arms up in the air, and shouts in triumph! As the crowd cheers like crazy, he yells “NOW WHERE’S THE OLD BITCH WITH THE BAD TOOTH?”