re: the most embarrassed you’ve ever been

You lucky son of a bitch.

Was at the Varsity a couple years ago and accidentally pooed my pants. I waddle over to the bathroom, where I intended to just wipe my behind and leave the poo underwear in the bathroom. Well, somebody had the only stall in the bathroom locked up, and no one was in the bathroom. So, I tried to hurry and take off my poo drawers in the corner. As soon as I got the poo drawers down, every swinging dick in the establishment walks into the bathroom to see me with no pants on in the corner and poo all up in my boxers.

As if that was embarrassing enough, later on in the night I was chatting it up with some girls and this dick bag walks up and says, "Hey, you're that guy that shite his pants in the bathroom huh?"

FML.

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As if that was embarrassing enough, later on in the night I was chatting it up with some girls and this dick bag walks up and says, "Hey, you're that guy that shite his pants in the bathroom huh?"

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Why would you stay out somewhere after you shite your pants?

At least go home and get some new drawers.

Outside of that, I LOL'd.

My best friend has too many of these experiences. His father was a binge drinker who had lost his driving license. Well, about 2 miles from his house, after drinking heavily, his father looks in the rear view mirror, and sees nothing but blue lights. Now, people are different when they get drunk; some want to fall asleep, some want to fight, some want to love on others. My best friend’s dad, the more he drank, the smarter he felt he was. Well, after seeing the blue lights behind him, he immediately puts together a brilliant plan; he’ll pull over, stick what looks like a drivers license and insurance card outside the drivers side window, wait on the cop to walk up to his window, and will then floor it and beat the cop back to his home (somehow thinking he would beat the system if he made it back home and got inside his house before the cop could catch him). A few things to know about this particular incident before going further; the roadside has just been scraped, was slick clay mud, and it had just finished raining heavily. The roadside was very narrow, and past it was a decline with even deeper mud. My friend’s dad waits on the cop to walk up to his window, and holds out what looks like a drivers license and insurance card. When the cop gets to the driver window, my friend’s dad floors it, his car shakes and shimmies for a few seconds, and then slides immediately down the embankment, bogging up to both axles in mud. My friend’s dad never let off the gas, is spinning his wheels and is bogging deeper and deeper in mud. The cop walks down the embankment, shaking his head and laughing every step while continuing to write tickets. Nonsurprisingly, my friend’s dad went to jail.

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Why would you stay out somewhere after you shite your pants? At least go home and get some new drawers.

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Because I was there with other people, and I didn't drive.

Y'all have had some embarrassing moments that’s for sure!

Here is one of mine.

We grew up dirt poor in Vernon Parish. We had one bathroom. My two brothers & I got up at the same time pretty much every day. We would also go pee at the same time (one toilet) so no one had to wait. We made it a competition of sorts to see who could pee the longest and hardest. I was about 6, younger brother 5, older brother 12. The time line for this was early 70's.

One day we are having our competition and my older brother says Rob what's on your d!(<. I'm like I don't know but I'll pee it off. I'm no longer aiming & pee is streaming everywhere. We are laughing but this thing is still attached. We finish our biz and take a closer look.

My older brother says dude you have a tick on your d!(<. My brothers are laughing & start running through the house yelling Ma Rob has a tick on his d!(< over & over like it was a hit song while laughing hysterically.

Mom comes to investigate & sure enough yup you have a tick. She gives the tick a little tug & I freaking lose my mind, omg the pain. The tick is right in there, yes sir in the pee hole all comfortable & stuff. My mom then goes old school & tries backing the tick out with a burnt match. I lose my mind again, so she decides to call my friends mom, so she can also have a turn with my manhood to no avail.

Well the little guy certainly has his teeth in there & isn't going to budge. We are now on our way to Ft. Polk Pediatrics. We get there and it's more of the same. My lil pp was in everyone's hand looking, pulling, putting cream on it. They haven't seen anything like this & didn't know how to rip this guy out of there & be compassionate at the same time. The door opened/closed to many times to count & every time it did the entire waiting room got a little peep show. They were curious to what was happening with all the doctors/nurses coming in and out of the room not to mention this little kid crying holding his pp granted I'm butt naked for the entire world to see.

Well the doctors/nurses decided they need to come up with a plan & this conversation was not going to be heard by yours truly. Yeah, this plan involved a needle. They leave me all alone in the room which seemed like an eternity, again I'm buck naked & this cute young candy striper comes in the room to see if I'm ok. I lose my mind & start yelling for her to get out meanwhile I'm holding my lil unit with the entire waiting room getting the extended look.

I'm miserable but not as miserable as I'm going to be. Shortly after the doctors/nurses, my mom, my friend’s mom seemed like everyone was there to tell me how this was going to work. Then I see the needle (mind you longer than my George Costanza coming out of the pool) & lose my mind again yelling you're not sticking that in my pp, at this time the waiting room is buzzing. Everyone in the room pinned me to the table & sure enough they stick the needle in my lil feller to prepare me for what was getting ready to happen, THE YANK. Well they yank & now I'm "scream crying." The needle to numb the yank didn't work so I got the double whammy of pain on my lil feller. I could barely walk & I'm holding my lil unit, seriously walking the walk of shame out of the building while the entire waiting room is listening to my team of hecklers (two brothers & my friend) chanting Rob has a tick on his d!(<. Supportive group lol good times.

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I don’t know if this is real or not but I’m laughing so hard I’m crying! That last line about your cheering squad is so true of good friends and siblings

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I have no reason to lie to anyone every bit of the story is true. Funny thing is I was just home in Vernon Parish visiting my Mother & sure enough this story comes up while we were reminiscing. The trip home was awesome but laughing with my Mother about this story is something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

No way I can top some of y'all, but here's mine.


Mardi Gras 1992 or so a bunch of us college friends head to New Orleans for full party. We got there Thursday and partied, drank, ate junk, caught beads, and basically became cave men and women for the full run. By Tuesday my system is wrecked from beer, scotch, bourbon, boudin, no sleep, not enough water, and some of those mini thins that the truckers use to stay awake.

We're all standing somewhere along St. Charles waiting on the next parade when I get a grumbling in my GI tract that could be measured on a Richter scale. I do my best to control it since we don't have ready access to a bathroom at this point, but my system is demanding a pressure release of some sort. So I do my best to cut a silent fart, and I'm successful. But mother of god it stunk. I mean unnaturally vile, inorganic levels of toxic fumes. And once the breach was detected, there was no going back. I start carpet bombing the crowd,including all of my friends like napalm run over a rice field in Nam.

And it's heavy. No breeze is going to move this monstrosity from the area, it just sits there with a tangible aura of loathing and regret for all things living.

Everyone is gagging and looking around for the spewer of this inhuman concoction. I panic and whisper to my friends that I think it's coming from this group of young high school age girls in front of us. They were all wearing matching T-shirts with their school colors and their nick names on the back. To my utter shame, I blamed poor Lil' Red for my sins. And the crowd bought it. People began muttering obscenities under their breath towards poor unsuspecting Lil Red. I just stood there with a look of contempt on my face as the crowd turned on Lil Red, all the while clenching my arse cheeks like I was holding a live grenade between them with the pin out.

The crowd grew more vocal but Lil Red hadn't quite noticed yet. I decided I needed to get the hell out of there and told my friends I couldn't take it, I was going for a walk. I duck walked out of there as quick as I could and eventually found a restaurant with a bathroom.

I sat in that stall suffering from contractions like I was birthing Andrea the Giant's twins for at least 45 minutes. People would walk in, the smell and sounds would hit them, and they'd spin around and walk out. A few cried out in terror.

After the spawn of asmodeus from the nine hells finally crawled forth in to this world I summoned the courage to wipe and get out of there. I exited the stall, washed my hands, and walked out.

There were three dudes all waiting there looking at me in horror. One says "that was the foulest thing I've ever smelled, you need to go to a hospital man."

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Keynote speaker gets up and he has a black patch on one eye. 

Guy next to me whispers "ahoy matey." It was stupid, but I couldn't stop laughing then the guy next me couldn't stop laughing. We were getting looks. 

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This made me laugh out loud for several Minutes. I Can'tImagine trying to hold that in in real. Life. LULZ.

I'm 16 years old and am going to pick up my new girlfriend to come back to our house to watch a movie (back in the VHS days). She had never met my parents. My dad was wearing a t-shirt and had been working in his garden (covered in dirt). I ask him, in a pretty shitty way, if he can clean up before I get back with my date. We get back to the house and my dad is sitting in a 3-piece pin striped suit and refers to me as Sir for the rest of the night. When I was taking this girl back home she asks "does your dad always dress like that" to which I reply "only when he's being a smartass".