re: the most embarrassed you’ve ever been

Little DP3 has autism. He is very high functioning at this point, and it is not readily noticeable. That was not always the case. Speech has always been an issue. So when he first learned to speak, I was really the only person who could decipher what he was saying. He would repeat what he said over and over until I repeated it back to him for validation. And he would always say "right, mom?" after everything looking for that validation. So, we are at the pediatrician on day when he was about 4. It's packed. Like nowhere to sit packed. So he's spinning in the middle of the waiting room and stops all of a sudden and says what sounds exactly like, "N---s are Jews, white mom?" And every single adult's head snapped up at that moment. The room went totally silent, and people are just open mouthed staring at me like I'm raising little Hitler.
I knew that's not what he was trying to say, but I couldn't figure it out to repeat it back to him. So he kept saying it. Over and over and getting louder. "N---s are Jews, white mom? N---s are Jews, white mom?" And I'm getting flustered because I'm so embarrassed and can't figure out what he's trying to say. So finally I just blurted out, "I don't know what you're saying!" He sighs and says, "You know. N---s. They go on my feets and make me run fast fast." And it clicked. I said, "Yes, baby, sneakers ARE shoes!" as loudly as possible. Wanted to die.

A few years later, his speech is much clearer. He is easily understood and has an expansive vocabulary. But, he doesn't always understand the meanings of words he uses. His new favorite word: racist. Everything is racist. Only he only kind of understands racism. He thinks it's just being mean to a black person for any reason. So, we are going through a drive thru one day, and I am just trying to order one chocolate milkshake for him but the lady can't get it to save her life. Finally put in the order, and then wait like 15 mins as she hands the wrong shite out the window to the 2 cars in front of us then takes it back and gets the right stuff. I'm getting annoyed at the wait, but it's a reward milkshake, and I can't just leave. We finally start pulling up to the window, and I mumble, "Jesus. What a moron." As this black lady opens the window, he half shouts, "Mom! I didn't know you were racist!" I wanted to crawl under a rock. I couldn't be like "I'm not racist; I just think you're really stupid." So I just pretended I didn't hear him and got out of there ASAP. And then the word racist became a bad word at our house. Saying racist is as bad as saying the F word.

Story as told to me by my brother. So, my brother works with this redneck named Eddie. Eddie is sitting at home on a Saturday, watching college football, while the wife is doing the grocery shopping and running errands. Later on, Eddie hears the garage door opening and the horn blows. This is code for “come help me with the groceries”. Eddie steps out into the garage to find his wife bent over, halfway in the back seat grabbing a bag of groceries. Eddie seizes the moment and takes his hand and runs it up the crack of his wife’s arse from the cletchus to bung hole, tomahawk style, while the wife screams in horror. Eddie is grinning and snickering as she comes out of the back seat like a rifle bullet and turns around to face her molester. Eddie screams as he realizes he has made a fatal error when he realizes the crack he just dredged belonged to his mother in law who had been picked up by her daughter on the way home from the grocery store. Eddies wife came around the corner of the garage after picking up the paper and wanted to know what all the screaming was about.

I was six years old and we were doing a family trip to Colorado one summer back in the 80's. My dad liked taking us to ski resorts the summer before we went snow skiing. Anyway on one of these trips I had to take a shite. My dad was one of those that always had to video everything and had one of those old-school VHS recorders. He pulls over and I go walk behind a big boulder next to a mountain. I proceed to take a shite and wipe myself with my underwear and toss it. Fast forward 25 years and I hear my sister and girlfriend at the time laughing upstairs so I go up there and investigate what is so damn funny. Apparently my sister was converting VHS tape's into DVDs and found a video of my dad recording me that day behind the boulder. You can see the whole thing and my dad is chuckling the entire time in the video. For some reason I was embarrassed/laughing my arse off at the same time.

Line at airport opened iPad porn was up


Awkward

This damn thread has stuck around a while so here I go.....


In my early 20's and went to buy some pot. Dealer did not know me so I had to stay in the car. Uncontrollable urge to piss... had to act quick. The house was surrounded by a 6 foot privacy fence. Found a spot along the fence out of view of the house windows. I began to piss with the fury of a 1000 rivers. Heard brakes squeal.. look up with my spraying dong in hand to see a school bus with the windows well above the fence.. every kid on the bus with faces smashed into the windows watching me piss.

Right before you start basic training, you spend roughly a week in what's called reception battalion. At least thats how it went when I went in the Army in 1997. One of the guys I was in with decided to puke everywhere right after chow and I had to go with him to the hospital since you had to have a battle buddy everywhere you went.

I'm in the waiting room as this dude looked like he was going to die and two guys next to us were having a conversation. One mentioned about going back home to Covington. My dumbass 17 year old self decided to be friendly and I mentioned I was from the same area myself.

Well these guys were not trainees and he says "WELL PRIVATE, THAT'S JUST frickING GREAT, GO AWAY".

I learned very quickly that day to keep my mouth shut.

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MadDoggyStyle

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Did Eddie get a divorce, how’d that turn out?

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Me- "I saw you're having a party so I thought I'd bring over some beer" Them- "Actually our mom and grandmother died in a car accident today..."

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Ooooooof

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Way back when I was a freshman in college, I dated a girl who was a senior in high school. Our families were close friends and had known each other for years so a lot of liberties were given. To preface, my girlfriend and her mom looked more like twins than parent/ child. We would spend the night at each other’s house when I was home and our parents were very cool about it, with us staying in separate rooms or in “common” rooms . One night while I was at her house, we (me and girlfriend and her parents) were watching tv when everyone said they were going to bed. I normally would sleep on the couch in the living room, which was shared by an open kitchen when I was at their house. I’d settled down and everything was dark when I heard some rustling in the kitchen. I got up and saw my girlfriend, wet headed in cheerleading shorts and T-shirt pajamas messing with dishes in the kitchen. I get up and sneak up behind her in the kitchen and start kissing her neck while grabbing a handful of boob and moose nuckle....when she spins around. It’s her mom and I about shite myself. She never said a word about it to my knowledge and neither did I and I felt like the biggest arse clown in the world. Things were never quite the same after that.

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Where are the pics, you fricking perv?

We’re talking 20 years ago. Sorry I didn’t have the polaroid handy.