re: Online blogger and dietician posts suicide note to her blog, then hangs herself

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I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking. I have accepted hope is nothing more than delayed disappointment, and I am just plain old-fashioned tired of feeling tired. I realize I am undeserving of thinking this way because I truly have a great life on paper. I’m fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. I often travel freely without restriction. I live alone in the second greatest American city (San Francisco, you’ll always have my heart). However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It’s the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger? I’m going to miss doing NYT crosswords (I was getting really good). That one charcuterie board with taleggio AND ‘nduja. Anything Sichuan ma la, but that goes without saying. A perfect plate of carbonara (no cream!). Real true authentic street tacos. Cal-Italian cuisine. Hunan Bistro’s fried rice. The pork belly and grape mini from State Bird Provisions circa 2013. Popeye’s of course. Bambas too. I’m also going to miss unexpected hugs. Al Green’s Simply Beautiful. Cherries in July. Tracing a sleeping eyebrow. Smoking cigarettes. The Golden Gate Bridge at sunset. That first sip of iced cold brew in sticky August. Making eye contact with people walking down the street. When songs feel like they’re speaking to your soul. Jeopardy. Saying I love you. Late night junk food binges. Shooting the shite. And especially the no-destination-in-sight long walks. No GoFundMes, no funeral, no tributes, no doing-too-much please. All I ask now is for you to have one delicious (I mean a really really great) meal in my honor and let me go, no exceptions. It’s selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a whole human you shared memories with and not just my final act. This is not your fault. It’s not exactly easy for me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai. I’m coming home, Dad. Make some room up on that cloud and turn the Motown up. I’m really sorry mama. Always, TLC

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Not one word in there about doing things for other people. Not one word about God. Everything is viewed in how it relates to her, what it does for her. And she says she’s alone and feels nothing around other people. I, I, I...Me, Me, Me. And no matter how much she liked Asian food or carbonara or cherries these things just weren’t completing her life.

I don’t think this woman ever understood the real meaning and purpose of living. I think she may have tried to figure it out but kept looking with the wrong mindset. And I think there are a lot, a whole lot, of people like her out there.

I guess we can be thankful in a horrible dark way that she ended her life without hurting others. I believe some people like this woman take their emptiness out on other people when they decide to end it.

What this woman needed was love, pure and simple. A real connection to life. I don’t know if she was capable of having love. And I don’t know if that is because of some chemical imbalance in the brain, mental disorder, life experience, or what.

The whole thing is just sad.

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and, as already stated, when these people feel nothing, they usually feel worse when they start accomplishing things and achieving what other people would perceive as life goals and still feel nothing after. in many ways, for people who suffer from crippling depression as this woman was, having a "good" life and being "attractive" probably made her depression much worse

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this + some childhood abuse creates serial killers/mass shooters

I have suffered with crippling anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. I find that the more physical things I try to shove in my life to fill the hole, the worse the problem gets. It sounds like the problem with her.

Tragic - Depression is a killer.

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if she felt that detached, it's a much bigger "fall" than a legit uggo nobody wants to be around. pretty people are not often lonely b/c they're pretty. it's not some indictment on her feelings of self worth.

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Honestly, I'm not very articulate on this because it's really hard to wrap my head around it all.

I meant it more towards the poster's wife that thinks she's unattractive than the blogger in the OP. I agree that she was operating on a completely different mental plane than most because of this emotional detachment.

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physical things I try to shove in my life to fill the hole

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lolgay

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Wow she was cute/beautiful. I don’t want to throw shade at her or diminish her suffering . I accept that as real and overwhelming to her .

But I will say respectfully, that what strikes me about that letter is the total lack of any recognition on her part that the point of life ( which is full of suffering) is to find MEANING. Real meaning and purpose. Because life is a painful grind and it will break your heart and your mind dozens of times in your life. And happiness, while ideal, is hard to sustain with so many tragedies and so much suffering around us. So we must seek Truth and Meaning.

All this surface- oriented talk of various super- awesome ethnic food ? That’s a level of spiritual and intellectual vacuousness that saddens me . No wonder she feels so empty. She may actually Be empty . And the weird throwaway line to her Mom and/or other human beings? It’s sad on every level.

RIP, sweet girl . You made a very big and a very selfish mistake. And you missed the entire point of your life. Enduring the pain is required.

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Yes the world wants to treat this like its just a couple of mental wires that were crossed incorrectly or a physical illness that led to this. I suspect its just a recognition of the reality of the nihilistic post modern life... and no different from Bourdain's recognition.

Nietzsche ponders on the death of God...

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“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”

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Nietzsche ponders

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oh blow it out your arse, Howard!

She could have met her dad in the sky in less than 15 years if she would have just kept living.

Jesus has to come back within 2,000 years of his ascending into heaven, and he only has 15 years at the most to do it. Or else Jesus is just a life coach. Following Jesus will still be a good way to live life, but Jesus will have proven to be just a normal man in less than 15 years.

in the twinkling of an eye she would have been on a cloud with her dad and she would have got to live probably 15 more years eating popeyes.