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Started By
Message
Need some good advice - 2020 is off to a rough start.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:29 am
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:29 am
Not usually one to spill my issues out onto a message board, but I wanted to hear opinions of some unbiased strangers on some shite I'm dealing with. I know I'm going to get the usual OT sarcasm but this is a somewhat serious post.
As some of you know, a couple of months ago a really good friend of mine passed away. His death has really affected me more than I or anyone else thought it would. I have kind of entered a shell since his passing. My friends have all told me that I haven't been myself. I agree. I feel like the void he left is really weighing me down.
My relationship with my girlfriend has gone downhill ever since his passing. I haven't been happy at all in our relationship, and that's been a huge problem considering we live together. More than anything, I get annoyed at her presence, and I find myself wanting to do things without her rather than with her. We have been dating for almost 3 years, and I think that it's getting to be time to make a decision as far as our future together - and right now I am not hearing the wedding bells tolling. It has gotten to the point to where I felt sick to my stomach giving her a New Years' kiss as the ball dropped a couple of nights ago.
We had a long, heartfelt talk last night and I basically told her that I wasn't being honest about how I felt about her, and that I was looking to move out and eventually break up. She got really emotional (no shite) and told me I have been a completely different person since Michael passed away. I can't say I disagree with her.
As I alluded to, I am looking into moving out. Beginning in December, I started researching and weighing options of getting my own place. I found a pretty inexpensive (for ATL) condo that I am leaning towards in a decent area with 2 other roommates. I don't really know these guys but they seem pretty cool. I am supposed to make a decision on signing the lease today.
I know all of this seems trivial, but I have been a nervous wreck ever since yesterday morning. I am torn as to what I need to do and how I should be feeling. Are my thoughts and emotions clouded because of the grief I'm experiencing, and I need to wait things out - or do I need to end things with her and start over?
Sorry for the long post - just an emotional time right now for this baw.
As some of you know, a couple of months ago a really good friend of mine passed away. His death has really affected me more than I or anyone else thought it would. I have kind of entered a shell since his passing. My friends have all told me that I haven't been myself. I agree. I feel like the void he left is really weighing me down.
My relationship with my girlfriend has gone downhill ever since his passing. I haven't been happy at all in our relationship, and that's been a huge problem considering we live together. More than anything, I get annoyed at her presence, and I find myself wanting to do things without her rather than with her. We have been dating for almost 3 years, and I think that it's getting to be time to make a decision as far as our future together - and right now I am not hearing the wedding bells tolling. It has gotten to the point to where I felt sick to my stomach giving her a New Years' kiss as the ball dropped a couple of nights ago.
We had a long, heartfelt talk last night and I basically told her that I wasn't being honest about how I felt about her, and that I was looking to move out and eventually break up. She got really emotional (no shite) and told me I have been a completely different person since Michael passed away. I can't say I disagree with her.
As I alluded to, I am looking into moving out. Beginning in December, I started researching and weighing options of getting my own place. I found a pretty inexpensive (for ATL) condo that I am leaning towards in a decent area with 2 other roommates. I don't really know these guys but they seem pretty cool. I am supposed to make a decision on signing the lease today.
I know all of this seems trivial, but I have been a nervous wreck ever since yesterday morning. I am torn as to what I need to do and how I should be feeling. Are my thoughts and emotions clouded because of the grief I'm experiencing, and I need to wait things out - or do I need to end things with her and start over?
Sorry for the long post - just an emotional time right now for this baw.
This post was edited on 1/2/20 at 2:39 pm
57
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:31 am to VolsOut4Harambe
depression is a real thing. Don't know what else to say. Could be you don't really love your GF or your mental state of depression has you feeling that way towards someone you truly do love.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:31 am to VolsOut4Harambe
quote:
shell
shells cavs play charlotte tonight
hope this helps
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:31 am to VolsOut4Harambe
Sorry to hear that your friend is gone. Pushing away the other people that care about you is not the answer.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:32 am to VolsOut4Harambe
That all sounds horrible. I hope things get better man.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:33 am to VolsOut4Harambe
It’s hard to say whether your relationship has just run its course or whether your in a depression from the loss of your friend which is affecting your relationship. I just hope you don’t later regret leaving her when you come out of this funk. But if you don’t even want to have physical contact with her and her presence makes you angry, it’s probably best to take a break. Best of luck. If you are having such a hard time with the loss of your friend then perhaps you need to start talking to a professional. There is no shame in that.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:34 am to VolsOut4Harambe
Yeah depression fricking sucks and people don’t act like themselves. You probably should talk with someone. Hope this helps.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:35 am to VolsOut4Harambe
What is your booze/drug situation currently?
And make sure you bang your girl one final time before you move out. You'll wish you had later if you don't.
And make sure you bang your girl one final time before you move out. You'll wish you had later if you don't.
This post was edited on 1/2/20 at 11:36 am
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:35 am to VolsOut4Harambe
I know people on here will bust your balls. I guess the question is do you think this is related to depression which is treatable and then y’all can work things out? Or is this something that has been festering and your friends death has exacerbated it? If it’s the latter you owe it to both of y’all to end it. Life is short and wasting time in a situation that has no future isn’t good for you or her.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:35 am to VolsOut4Harambe
quote:
We had a long, heartfelt talk last night and I basically told her that I wasn't being honest about how I felt about her
Are you sure you're simply not being honest enough with YOURSELF about how your friend's passing has affected you? I lost a close friend years ago and although I wasn't diagnosed with depression officially, I feel like I was for a while after that. It really affected me a lot more than I could've ever expected. I lost interest in things that I had enjoyed before, I was anxious about everything, I couldn't concentrate, I yelled in my English 1002 teacher's face in college and told him to go frick himself. After that happened, I was honest with myself and accepted what had happened and accepted that I wasn't the same as before. Did some soul searching and some reading online about my situation and it helped me snap out of it within a couple months after that.
Long story short: get right with yourself first before breaking things off with your longtime SO. You may find that once you do, your relationship will vastly improve. It might not be her, it could just be you. And that's not a bad thing.
Good luck
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:35 am to Displaced
quote:
What is your booze/drug situation currently?
I drink socially but nothing abnormal. Don't do any drugs.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:37 am to VolsOut4Harambe
You need to go see a therapist or mental health professional.
There's no shame in that and in general, it should help.
There's no shame in that and in general, it should help.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:37 am to Fun Bunch
quote:
You need to go see a therapist or mental health professional.
There's no shame in that and in general, it should help.
100%
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:38 am to VolsOut4Harambe
My advice (more easily given than taken) is to talk to someone professionally - counselor, Rabbi, Priest, Preacher someone. You have signs of depression which will sap you of everything.
It is a real issue, it doesn't mean you are "crazy" but it will be easier to deal with speaking to someone. It could be a very temporary thing or it could gradually drag you deeper and deeper into its hold.
Get help and good luck.
It is a real issue, it doesn't mean you are "crazy" but it will be easier to deal with speaking to someone. It could be a very temporary thing or it could gradually drag you deeper and deeper into its hold.
Get help and good luck.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:38 am to Legion of Doom
quote:
Or is this something that has been festering and your friends death has exacerbated it?
I think it's the latter. She's a great person and every one of my friends loves her, but the romantic feelings started to wane even before my friend got sick. I just can't stand the thought of pushing away someone who cares about me like she does.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:39 am to VolsOut4Harambe
Could the void you are feeling completely block you from having feelings for anyone?
How did you feel about the GF prior to your friend passing?
If you had a good and progressing relationship with her prior, then you need to go talk to someone professional before you destroy that relationship. It would be exponentially more difficult to repair the relationship after you move out.
How did you feel about the GF prior to your friend passing?
If you had a good and progressing relationship with her prior, then you need to go talk to someone professional before you destroy that relationship. It would be exponentially more difficult to repair the relationship after you move out.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:39 am to VolsOut4Harambe
Pretty sure I know your late friend. He was a good dude.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:40 am to VolsOut4Harambe
quote:how old are you and have you had your testosterone tested?
but the romantic feelings started to wane even before my friend got sick. I just can't stand the thought of pushing away someone who cares about me like she does.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:40 am to VolsOut4Harambe
First of all, I'm sorry about your loss. Is this your first time losing a close friend? I've been through it several times unfortunately but it is hard to recognize how it can hit you.
Definitely get some counseling or have someone that you can really talk to about how you are feeling. I didn't do that for a very long time and I was in that same shell, along with a lot of self destructive behavior, for many years.
- Were you feeling this way about her before your friend passed? A lot of depressive episodes involve pushing away people close to you as self-destructive behavior.
I would think long and hard about if pushing away someone very close to you, that you probably need right now given you just lost someone else very close to you, is a good idea.
- You need to understand that what you are feeling is real and will go away with time and by talking to people you are close with as well as through professionals who know how to help people identify and get through their stages of grief.
I would 100% not make any decision about moving out. I'd probably talk to your girlfriend about how you have been feeling since your friend passed and I think it will help you realize you are just pushing people away as a sort of coping mechanism as well as help you break the seal so to speak on talking to people about your friend who passed as opposed to bottling it all up.
Its really hard to make sense of it and you will eventually make peace with losing your friend and enjoy the memories of him without feeling the pain of their absence quite so much. It just takes time for you to process.
But, based on your posts, you are definitely experiencing some level of depression, which is understandable, but you need to recognize that your thought about your current relationships are being impacted and you don't want to make any rash decisions as a result.
Again, I'd first take a look back and see how you were feeling in the time leading up to your friend passing - and let that guide you into how you approach your relationship at this time.
Definitely get some counseling or have someone that you can really talk to about how you are feeling. I didn't do that for a very long time and I was in that same shell, along with a lot of self destructive behavior, for many years.
- Were you feeling this way about her before your friend passed? A lot of depressive episodes involve pushing away people close to you as self-destructive behavior.
I would think long and hard about if pushing away someone very close to you, that you probably need right now given you just lost someone else very close to you, is a good idea.
- You need to understand that what you are feeling is real and will go away with time and by talking to people you are close with as well as through professionals who know how to help people identify and get through their stages of grief.
I would 100% not make any decision about moving out. I'd probably talk to your girlfriend about how you have been feeling since your friend passed and I think it will help you realize you are just pushing people away as a sort of coping mechanism as well as help you break the seal so to speak on talking to people about your friend who passed as opposed to bottling it all up.
Its really hard to make sense of it and you will eventually make peace with losing your friend and enjoy the memories of him without feeling the pain of their absence quite so much. It just takes time for you to process.
But, based on your posts, you are definitely experiencing some level of depression, which is understandable, but you need to recognize that your thought about your current relationships are being impacted and you don't want to make any rash decisions as a result.
Again, I'd first take a look back and see how you were feeling in the time leading up to your friend passing - and let that guide you into how you approach your relationship at this time.
Posted on 1/2/20 at 11:41 am to VolsOut4Harambe
Go see a therapist/counselor. Most of them deal with this all the time and know the answers to what you’re asking. Ultimately, the decisions are yours, but they will give you the perspective you need.
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