re: Need Grandparent advice

TLDR: Offer to babysit so they can go on a date. If you don’t mind, babysit at their house, so they don’t have to wake the baby and drive him home.


For reference to your situation, my parents live out of town so they maybe see my children once per month. They take a day and it’s to see my children, they drive hours, spend a few hours with us, and drive back.

My in laws live 5 miles away, and also see my children about once every 3 weeks. They never offer to babysit, or come to my house to visit them, it’s always because my wife takes them to their house so my kids can see their grandparents.

My kids not having their grandparents being a significant portion of their lives bothers me. I think twice per week would be plenty for you to see him.

If you don’t want to be pushy, offer to babysit. Going on dates is expensive, now add in babysitter costs. They need their date nights as a couple, so you’d save them about $100 by babysitting for them. If you can, offer to babysit at their house, so the baby can sleep in his bed and doesn’t need to be awakened to go home after the date.

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If you don’t mind,

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Dont mind. Do it however they want to do it. Do what they ask you to. If they dont want the kid eating junk, dont give them junk. If they want you to take them, take them. If they want you to come watch them at their home, do that.

The most important thing is to honor the parents wishes. Nothing pisses us off like saying dont let them watch that, and you letting them watch it. Or dont feed them that, and you feeding them that. Or come watch them at our house, and you insisting the drop them off at yours instead.

At least in our case, we are usually asking for help with the kids as an offer for our parents to have time with them, more than us actually needing help. We actually almost never NEED help. So dont frick it all up by making it about you.

My kids are still too young for kids... Oldest is 15. But I don't know how I'd deal with this. It's something I've thought of. I'd imagine I'd just call him up and say "Hey bring that baby over here. I know yall have a lot going on but we want to see him."

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They would come over maybe once a month and have dinner and she came over maybe a couple times during the week over the six months period. With all that being said, how often should we expect to be able to see him

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That is way more frequent than my parents and in-laws see our kids, but they don’t live locally. A couple times a week is a lot to be honest, even if you are local.

Thats a pretty great way to put it

Grandparents are so important! I built my career around it for my family (because I could). That’s how important - to all involved. To this day, literally, does the positive impact show up. Our son is in from another state and grandparents are uniting for it.

My experience (as the son…years ago):

- Priority 1 was establishing my own family nucleus. That’s meant my parents and wife’s parents role had to shift. Now, you can realize that and help that outcome, or you cannot and friction road awaits you. Best for you / your wife to honor them by resetting your role as parents of the new parents.

- Your role as a grandparent is an honor to you. Your son / DIL need to understand that. However, their life is completely in turmoil of change (new baby, 24/7, lack of sleep, huge responsibility, freedom shifts, etc). Cut them some slack on the grandparent honor for a bit. Instead, just offer to be there for them. Naturally, the turmoil transitions into new normal and you fold right in to your important role.

- No different than any family relationship, set expectations (both ways) up front. If feelings get hurt, communicate. Always honor roles. Generally this has served us well. Except it took one grandparent a while longer to know their role (and feelings got hurt). And, as the new Dad, I had to give a ‘tough titty’ message for them to back off (that I do not regret). Now, as a future grandparent, above will be my approach.

Hope helps! Congratulations!! Awesome time of life…just never put anything else (pride/ego) in front of the big picture here. Enjoy.

No surprise visits. Set up something regular, like meatloaf Monday. As soon as you prove you understand that the baby gets bathed at 7:15, and you get out at 7:05 consistently, everyone will relax.

Five miles away and 2x a month is too little.

I kind of view it as the kids are my responsibility, not theirs. But an offer out of the blue on a Friday night to watch the kids and let us go out to eat just the wife and I would be nice.

But that’ll never happen, and my in laws live 5 minutes away. And it’s not like they have busy personal lives either.

My experience may not work for you, but it may give you some ideas. My first grandchild was born in 2000. I worked shift work, so at least one day a week, I would go pick her up from daycare around midday and bring her to my house for the afternoon. Mom would pick her up after work. On my off weekends, I would bring doughnuts on Sunday mornings. We continued the same routine when she started school, with adjustments. One has to put in some effort and make seeing them a priority.
She finished LSU in '22 and moved out of state. I recently spent a week with her. I retired early to be able to see my other grandchildren as often and as long as I can. They also live out of state. It's worth all the effort.

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Being the parents of a son whose married is tough, feels like were not as important

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because you aren’t. The most important thing in that young man’s life should be his 1(a) faith, 1(b) wife, and 1(c) child.

You could very well be a distant 2nd tho, so pick your chin up Gramps