re: Need advice, adopted daughter, what to tell her?

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2. It will be hard at that age, but she needs to truly ask herself if she would have been any happier if she was with her real mom. Clearly not. God had a plan.

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I don’t think she’ll be asking this. I think she’s going to focus on not being told by her parents (frick the birth givers, the OP and his wife are still her father and mother) that she was adopted.

Oh, and...

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mom was a failed model

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The OT will determine if the rating is a pass or fail.







Sorry, had to.

I would want to know. Wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t change things for me but I’d still want to know. I would be pissed if I had asked and was lied to.

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IF OP does tell her, they need to wait until she's older. 16 is already a rough, hormonal time for some - imagine adding something like that on top of it. It could go very badly and set her down a path that she wouldn't have taken otherwise. I'd let her get to adulthood and settled in college or graduated before dropping that bomb, at least when she's done developing mentally.

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This isn’t like the fricking 1950s, dude. She can find a 23&Me and likely will if she’s already asking these questions. 16 year olds aren’t as mature, but it will be much, much worse and more devastating if she finds out when she’s 25 and developed.

You should tell her ASAP. You should ensure she’s on operator-independent contraception beforehand though.

All my adopted friends were told around age 12 and were fine with it. I’d think she’d be grateful that you brought her to the US. Take her to Peru sometime and she’ll appreciate it. I went about ten years ago and It’s a shithole. Lima which is supposedly the nicest is horrible.

I actually want would like to do what you did and go adopt from another country and try to give someone a better life but wife is not about it. It’s a very noble thing to do and you’re a good person for doing it.

Ex wife was adopted. She was told at 12. At the 13 she met her birth mom, years later she met her birth dad.
She has a good relationship with her birth mom. Not so good with birth dad, he’s a recovering drug addict not to mention just a weird dude.
Ex wife’s mother (adoptive mother) told me she adjusted well to this when told. But now at age 42 she’s been a mess for years asking why she was never treated the same as her brothers. Bringing up all kinds of false accusations towards her family (adopted that is) and has really made things hard on all involved.
Has been in therapy for years. Has abandonment issues, trust issues, self worth, you name it.
Ironically enough her parents run an adoption agency and adopted her early on soon after they open the agency. She has a degree in social work and has spent the better part of the last 15 years trying to give back to at risk youth and families.
She’s got a big heart but she’s never truly processed being adopted and feeling wanted or loved. I failed as a husband but after some time don’t think I ever had a chance at making her happy. We have two great kids though and I have no regrets.
Sorry but you sir are in a tough spot.
Praying for y’all.

My ex wife had a 1 year old daughter when we met and she is now 18. She didn’t find out she was not my biological daughter until her mom told her following our divorce(she was then 13 or 14). It was her way of trying to keep me from seeing my daughter. She didn’t know prior to that bc I adopted her and we had her name changed on all of her legal documents. Following the divorce is also when my ex decided to tell our sons(now 12 and 14)that she was their half sister even though they went damn near 10 years thinking she was just their sister period.

The boys accepted it with no problem, but my daughter was pissed at her mom/my ex for telling her. She was upset that she waited that long and by that time, why did she tell her at all. My daughter ended up moving in with me after her freshman year of high school and she’s lived with me ever since.

Now she has started to try and repair her relationship with her mom, but they still have some work to do. I guess all kids react differently and every situation is a little different. My daughter was adopted after marriage and yours was adopted from another family.

I’m not telling you my experience as a way of knowing what will happen in your situation, but as a way to know what my experience was and at least give you something to somewhat go by. If y’all do come clean, come clean with all of it. Don’t try to sugarcoat it in an effort to make it easier on yourself bc I don’t think it would turn out well if she found more info later on by doing her own research. The main thing is that your daughter knows how much y’all care for her and let her know that you’ve never considered her anything other than your daughter and that the rest of your family is the same. I’d also offer to help her if she shows interest in learning more about her previous family as well as her culture. It’s a tough spot. I wish you luck.

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I don't see how that can possibly be a reasonable reaction. But that's my opinion

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The dude could have very well gone off the deep end regardless of the adoption news. No way to say that would have all happened anyway.

Correlation not equal to causation and all that jazz.