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Started By
Message
Need advice, adopted daughter, what to tell her?
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:14 pm
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:14 pm
For sake of everyone, I will be brief as I can, as all good OTers’ I strive to be.
Wife (no pics) and I (picture the love child of Aunt Bea and Barney Fife) adopted our beautiful daughter (no pics, but trust me) from Peru (wife’s family is from there) 16 years ago when she was baby.
Because she and wife are very similar in pigmentation and other reasons we never told her she was adopted.
She is pretty much your usual high school student (B+ average, Dance team, Cheerleader etc).
But she has begun asking question as other than Latin skin tone she is taller and different body type than both us.
Wife and I went to counselor and she said it was our call. Any of you have experience with this?
Don’t want to lose our baby’s trust but don’t want her to ever think we don’t love as much as our two children with each other (14/7, know her only as their big sister).
Her birth mom was a failed model who turned to “bad things” and died years ago, no clue who father is.
Again, no pics…no one ever posts real ones anyway
fire away, Ill sift through the good with the bad...
Wife (no pics) and I (picture the love child of Aunt Bea and Barney Fife) adopted our beautiful daughter (no pics, but trust me) from Peru (wife’s family is from there) 16 years ago when she was baby.
Because she and wife are very similar in pigmentation and other reasons we never told her she was adopted.
She is pretty much your usual high school student (B+ average, Dance team, Cheerleader etc).
But she has begun asking question as other than Latin skin tone she is taller and different body type than both us.
Wife and I went to counselor and she said it was our call. Any of you have experience with this?
Don’t want to lose our baby’s trust but don’t want her to ever think we don’t love as much as our two children with each other (14/7, know her only as their big sister).
Her birth mom was a failed model who turned to “bad things” and died years ago, no clue who father is.
Again, no pics…no one ever posts real ones anyway
fire away, Ill sift through the good with the bad...
105
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:16 pm to secfballfan
Never told her at all she was adopted? Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.
I have no advice, good luck.
I have no advice, good luck.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:16 pm to secfballfan
Youve dropped the ball on this. You’re supposed to tell them starting young. She’s going to have her world rocked now, but she likely suspects anyway.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:16 pm to secfballfan
quote:
Her birth mom was a failed model who turned to “bad things” and died years ago, no clue who father is.
i mean...what else is there to tell?
you saved her life
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:17 pm to secfballfan
No personal experience with this, but I believe the truth is always better than the alternative.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:17 pm to secfballfan
Double post
This post was edited on 9/2/21 at 3:18 pm
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:18 pm to Smeg
quote:
No personal experience with this, but I believe the truth is always better than the alternative.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:18 pm to secfballfan
I wouldn’t say shite.
If you love her and treat her the same as your other kids, she’s yours.
If you love her and treat her the same as your other kids, she’s yours.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:18 pm to secfballfan
quote:
But she has begun asking question as other than Latin skin tone she is taller and different body type than both us.
What do you say when she asks this?
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:18 pm to secfballfan
I'm not a parent, but if I was the kid, I'd rather find out now from my parents.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:18 pm to secfballfan
I would tell her the truth and make sure that she knows how much you love her. Tell her that you never thought you needed to tell her because you always thought of her as your daughter, not as just an adopted daughter. Be open and honest and tell her everything you know about her biological family. She’ll probably hate you for a little while, but she’s a teenager who’s going to hate you anyways. She’ll eventually get over it and respect you for being honest with her.
Also, I kinda want pics of the failed model, in her prime, of course, not post-mortem.
Also, I kinda want pics of the failed model, in her prime, of course, not post-mortem.
This post was edited on 9/2/21 at 3:20 pm
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:19 pm to secfballfan
One of my groomsman was adopted along with his brother and each handled the news very differently. His brother went off the deep end into drugs. I share that only to say that none of us here truly know the dynamics between you and your daughter or what her personality is really like. We can share stories of personal experiences, but ultimately none of that really applies to how your daughter will react.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:19 pm to secfballfan
Congrats.
Now she is going to start an OnlyFans.
Now she is going to start an OnlyFans.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:19 pm to secfballfan
IMO never tell her. Your truth and her truth needs to be that she's y'alls child. To quote the great philosopher George Costanza: It's not a lie if you believe it. What is gained by telling her any different?
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:19 pm to secfballfan
Absolutely tell her. It will be best for all of you in the long term. Honesty and transparency always with family.
PS I've been on the other end of this (the kid) if that adds any weight
PS I've been on the other end of this (the kid) if that adds any weight
This post was edited on 9/2/21 at 3:28 pm
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:20 pm to secfballfan
my mom was adopted as were several of my friends.
Best to tell her. As for the reasons, her mother was young and couldn't care for a child. But loved her enough to let her go to someone who could offer all the love she could but could also offer a safe home and good and happy upbringing.
About her father, tell her you don't know. Also, let her know that her mother passed away.
Best to tell her. As for the reasons, her mother was young and couldn't care for a child. But loved her enough to let her go to someone who could offer all the love she could but could also offer a safe home and good and happy upbringing.
About her father, tell her you don't know. Also, let her know that her mother passed away.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:20 pm to secfballfan
I mean you have to tell her, the longer you wait the worse it will be. You should have told her years ago when she was a small child and made it a good thing/something to celebrate about her but too late for that now.
Tell her now and in a soft gentle way if possible. She may hate you/hold it against you for awhile but she’s a hormonal 16 yr old with major life changes coming so if you handle it right it might blow over when some other 16 yr old “life crisis” comes up.
Wait till she’s in college and not seeing you everyday or until she’s an adult and she might hold it against you forever
Tell her now and in a soft gentle way if possible. She may hate you/hold it against you for awhile but she’s a hormonal 16 yr old with major life changes coming so if you handle it right it might blow over when some other 16 yr old “life crisis” comes up.
Wait till she’s in college and not seeing you everyday or until she’s an adult and she might hold it against you forever
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:21 pm to secfballfan
Sounds as if she is mature enough to be told
I would have an appointment scheduled with the counselor so that she can talk to someone if she needs to
I would have an appointment scheduled with the counselor so that she can talk to someone if she needs to
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:23 pm to secfballfan
16 is not the age to be dropping emotional wreckers like that.
She’s already a raging bag of hormones and questioning everything about herself and her purpose in life.
Wait until she’s a fully mature adult if you can. But she will need to know for medical history reasons eventually.
JMHO.
She’s already a raging bag of hormones and questioning everything about herself and her purpose in life.
Wait until she’s a fully mature adult if you can. But she will need to know for medical history reasons eventually.
JMHO.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 3:23 pm to Huey Lewis
quote:
IMO never tell her.
What happens when she takes a home DNA test when she's 18?
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