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re: Need advice, adopted daughter, what to tell her?
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:16 pm to secfballfan
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:16 pm to secfballfan
Tell her she is special because God allowed you to choose her. We adopted twin girls from Guatemala at 18 months. We told them early about what we know of their birth mom. God has given me a biological son, a daughter and son by marriage, and the twins. Love them all.
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Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:20 pm to secfballfan
Tough call at this age. We don't know what she's been told over the years. Has she asked why there aren't hospital pictures of her?
How old was she when adopted? Newborn?
Has she asked to hear the story about when she was born or asked anything of your wife about the pregnancy? I remember my Mom telling me she had morning sickness and had to keep crackers at her desk as she was teaching school at the time.
In short, are there things she's been told that you'd have to tell her were made up stories to keep her from knowing she was adopted?
Eventually, she needs to know. Don't know if now is the time or to wait until she is older and more mature. You and a counselor would perhaps be able to figure that out.
How old was she when adopted? Newborn?
Has she asked to hear the story about when she was born or asked anything of your wife about the pregnancy? I remember my Mom telling me she had morning sickness and had to keep crackers at her desk as she was teaching school at the time.
In short, are there things she's been told that you'd have to tell her were made up stories to keep her from knowing she was adopted?
Eventually, she needs to know. Don't know if now is the time or to wait until she is older and more mature. You and a counselor would perhaps be able to figure that out.
This post was edited on 9/2/21 at 4:27 pm
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:21 pm to secfballfan
I think you should tell her, since she is asking questions.
But don’t act like you did a bad thing by waiting until now to tell her. Don’t say “I’m sorry”.
Act like this was the plan all along. And don’t say things like, “We need to tell you the truth about your past,” or even, “there is something you should know…” as if you’ve been keeping this big secret from her.
Here’s the truth: She is your daughter. Period. You love her more than you love yourself, as any parent should. Period.
So tell her that you’ve been waiting until she was older to tell her some family history. Since she is now asking questions, the time has come to have a little conversation.
Tell her she had a birth mother who was in trouble and couldn’t keep her; and so God brought her into your lives as the daughter you always wanted.
Tell her you know she will have questions and be curious about her birth mother, and you will help her in anyway you can to get answers. But that you are her real parents who love her and will never part from her.
But don’t act like you did a bad thing by waiting until now to tell her. Don’t say “I’m sorry”.
Act like this was the plan all along. And don’t say things like, “We need to tell you the truth about your past,” or even, “there is something you should know…” as if you’ve been keeping this big secret from her.
Here’s the truth: She is your daughter. Period. You love her more than you love yourself, as any parent should. Period.
So tell her that you’ve been waiting until she was older to tell her some family history. Since she is now asking questions, the time has come to have a little conversation.
Tell her she had a birth mother who was in trouble and couldn’t keep her; and so God brought her into your lives as the daughter you always wanted.
Tell her you know she will have questions and be curious about her birth mother, and you will help her in anyway you can to get answers. But that you are her real parents who love her and will never part from her.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:24 pm to secfballfan
Don’t make a big deal out of this. Tell her, in a matter of fact way, that she was adopted. You love her like a biological daughter and it never seemed important to tell her before. But, hey that’s the story.
Here’s been my experience: people in general and your kids in particular, will take their cue from you. If you act like this is some big deal or, god forbid, like you’re ashamed, she’ll see it one way.
If you make it part of a conversation and not the end of the world? She’s more likely to be unphased.
She’s never known any parents but you. This isn’t world changing unless you make it that way with therapists and counselors, etc. .
Here’s been my experience: people in general and your kids in particular, will take their cue from you. If you act like this is some big deal or, god forbid, like you’re ashamed, she’ll see it one way.
If you make it part of a conversation and not the end of the world? She’s more likely to be unphased.
She’s never known any parents but you. This isn’t world changing unless you make it that way with therapists and counselors, etc. .
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:25 pm to secfballfan
1. The sooner you tell her, the better. The longer you wait, the more you have to explain for not telling her sooner.
2. She will find or figure it out eventually. It's better for it to come from you than 23 & Me.
3. When you have the conversation do not frame it "as if you were our own", frame it as "you are our daughter in every way that matters."
4. Admit you fault in not telling her sooner and apologize for it. Explain that this was your only experience with adoptions and if you knew then what you know now then you probably would have told her sooner. Even toss in your fear if maybe losing her if you told her earlier.
5. Hope for understanding, expect at least some pushback.
Good luck.
2. She will find or figure it out eventually. It's better for it to come from you than 23 & Me.
3. When you have the conversation do not frame it "as if you were our own", frame it as "you are our daughter in every way that matters."
4. Admit you fault in not telling her sooner and apologize for it. Explain that this was your only experience with adoptions and if you knew then what you know now then you probably would have told her sooner. Even toss in your fear if maybe losing her if you told her earlier.
5. Hope for understanding, expect at least some pushback.
Good luck.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:26 pm to secfballfan
I tell my daughter every chance I get.
She's mine though...
She's mine though...
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:31 pm to secfballfan
My parents told me when I was 10. They didn't give me the horrific details of my biological parents until I was an adult.
My biological mother was a herorin addict and my biological father had multiple illegitimate children, never worked, and was shot and killed over a parking spot at a grocery store the day after his last illegitimate child was born.
That girl grew up and contacted me on MySpace. She's my MySpace sister. She actually had a decent life after her mother (not mine) remarried.
My biological mother was a herorin addict and my biological father had multiple illegitimate children, never worked, and was shot and killed over a parking spot at a grocery store the day after his last illegitimate child was born.
That girl grew up and contacted me on MySpace. She's my MySpace sister. She actually had a decent life after her mother (not mine) remarried.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:35 pm to Jimbeaux
We had just gotten a puppy for the twins before we told them. We used the adopting of the puppy into our family. That was a parallel they understood.
We told them that they weren’t in their mothers tummy before they were born. My daughter asked whose tummy they were in, with a little tear running down her cheek. I told her her sisters name. You could see the wheels turning. Her twin brother wasn’t really paying much attention, but she was taking it all in.
We had told her that God gives children to their parents if the people that gave birth to them are sometimes unfortunate and can’t raise them. The next day my daughter came through talking to her baby doll telling her they weren’t going to have any kids. They were going to find some poor unfortunate girl and let her have their kids for them. It was a great moment and we knew she was going to be ok.
We told them that they weren’t in their mothers tummy before they were born. My daughter asked whose tummy they were in, with a little tear running down her cheek. I told her her sisters name. You could see the wheels turning. Her twin brother wasn’t really paying much attention, but she was taking it all in.
We had told her that God gives children to their parents if the people that gave birth to them are sometimes unfortunate and can’t raise them. The next day my daughter came through talking to her baby doll telling her they weren’t going to have any kids. They were going to find some poor unfortunate girl and let her have their kids for them. It was a great moment and we knew she was going to be ok.
This post was edited on 9/2/21 at 7:58 pm
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:35 pm to secfballfan
My dad was adopted and only found out while going through paperwork after his parents death. He was devastated and had so many questions.
That was our families experience. I hope you make a better decision than my grandparents
That was our families experience. I hope you make a better decision than my grandparents
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:37 pm to Bourre
Tell her. She knows in her heart already.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:37 pm to secfballfan
I don't have anything to tell you other than to be honest about all of the feelings associated with it. She will go through some stuff at first, but will be better for it in the end. Let her process it, and give it time.
I am also married to a Peruvian. Love that place.
I am also married to a Peruvian. Love that place.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:40 pm to Jimbeaux
quote:
But don’t act like you did a bad thing by waiting until now to tell her. Don’t say “I’m sorry”.
I agree. This is not a sad thing. It's a happy situation. I'd probably start by telling her that you've been waiting for a time to tell her how extra special she is and that she is the most precious gift. Maybe use "sweet 16" as the year because it's a special year for young girls. Maybe give her a special charm or something symbolizing the love etc... Make it all as positive as you can. There's no way to deal with the mother giving her away unless you can say the bio mother loved her so much that she wanted a better life for her. (You haven't given details of the adoption.) I don't really know how you get around telling her bio mom did "bad things". Need a counselor's advice for sure. Having to tell her the bio mom is deceased isn't easy either.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:44 pm to deathvalleytiger10
quote:This.
The longer it goes the worse it will be. She deserves to know and best you tell her.
I would consult with a counselor before hand that you could let your daughter see afterwards if needed.
Good Luck!
Credibility and trust with her will probably need to be addressed.
Good luck.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:44 pm to BillBrosky
quote:
Daddy?
That’s what your mother used to call me
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:45 pm to secfballfan
Telling her this late in the game is a bad idea but since that’s all you have tread carefully.
My sister adopted a boy and he found out about that age and had a major breakdown - alcohol, drugs, school issues where there were none before. It took years for him to straighten out.
My sister adopted a boy and he found out about that age and had a major breakdown - alcohol, drugs, school issues where there were none before. It took years for him to straighten out.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:48 pm to TJG210
I'm adopted.
I never remember a time that I didn't know I was adopted. There was never anything my parents had to "reveal" because I knew it all along. I think that because they took this approach, its never once been a big deal. I don't think about it at all. Not one bit.
Your wife is right on this one.
You don't need to worry or be concerned about how it would affect a young child. The important thing is that she knows. I can't stress this enough. They don't have to know all the details right off the bat because as she gets older and begins to understand things, she'll have questions and you need to answer them 100% truthfully. Telling your daughter that "babies come from mommy's belly and she came from her mommy's belly. Then God wanted her to be part of your family so he brought her to you.
Another important thing - "We don't know" is always the right answer to any question that you don't know the answer to. Do not make up anything about her parents that you don't know to be fact.
I never remember a time that I didn't know I was adopted. There was never anything my parents had to "reveal" because I knew it all along. I think that because they took this approach, its never once been a big deal. I don't think about it at all. Not one bit.
quote:
My wife wants to tell her as soon as she can understand, and I wrestle with that. I can see the logic on doing it sooner rather than later, but I’m concerned on how it would affect a young child
Your wife is right on this one.
You don't need to worry or be concerned about how it would affect a young child. The important thing is that she knows. I can't stress this enough. They don't have to know all the details right off the bat because as she gets older and begins to understand things, she'll have questions and you need to answer them 100% truthfully. Telling your daughter that "babies come from mommy's belly and she came from her mommy's belly. Then God wanted her to be part of your family so he brought her to you.
Another important thing - "We don't know" is always the right answer to any question that you don't know the answer to. Do not make up anything about her parents that you don't know to be fact.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:49 pm to secfballfan
Yeah, y’all fricked up there. You’ve got to bite the bullet. She’s going to be pissed not that she is adopted but that you lied to her for years.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:52 pm to dyslexiateechur
quote:
Youve dropped the ball on this. You’re supposed to tell them starting young. She’s going to have her world rocked now, but she likely suspects anyway.
Yeah, that doesn’t seem too hard to me when you let them know when they’re three when they don’t understand the ramifications but can fully understand the love you have for them and work their way forward from there. This is about to be lighting a match in a nitroglycerin plant. You’ve got to do it regardless, because if she does the 23&Me in a few years, that’s going to get even worse.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 4:54 pm to Huey Lewis
quote:
IMO never tell her. Your truth and her truth needs to be that she's y'alls child. To quote the great philosopher George Costanza: It's not a lie if you believe it. What is gained by telling her any different?
She can easily find this out on her own though. If these two don’t tell her now, while she’ll sure as shite will be pissed at them, she may forgive them. You do a 23&Me, then you’ve lost your daughter on a level of betrayal.
This post was edited on 9/2/21 at 4:57 pm
Posted on 9/2/21 at 5:01 pm to secfballfan
At this point, don't tell her. Let her live her life being content and happy to be your daughter, what harm is it if she doesn't know any better?
As far as questions about her body type/looks - it happens all the time naturally. It's completely normal for a child to look like a grandparent or aunt/uncle or some other distant relative somewhere along the line.
I would just explain it as genes from some side of the family and leave it at that. The less you make of it the less she'll make of it too, and she'll go on thinking it's normal.
I'm trying to remember back to when I was around that age, and that news would've totally rocked my entire foundation and changed me in only negative ways. I wouldn't tell her, just keep being happy knowing she's your daughter. Period.
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