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SECdragonmaster
Auburn Fan
Order of the Dragons
Member since Dec 2013
13394 posts

Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
I checked the first 2 pages and did not see it posted.

Miami stripper arrested for self defense squirting on cops

A Florida lap dancer has been arrested in Miami after assaulting five police officers with her vagina and using it as a deadly weapon without the intent to kill.

Britney Simmons, 24, was performing at the Camel Toe strip club when an altercation began between Simmons and several clients at the club.

Miami police were called to intervene and attempted to apprehend Simmons who was highly intoxicated and acting erratically according to the official police report.


Five Miami Police Department officers attempted to place Simmons under arrest but were momentarily indisposed when the lap dancer ejected vaginal fluids towards the officers, temporarily blinding three and injuring two.

“She just spread her legs wide open and started squirting in the cops’ faces, eyes and mouths from a distance of about twelve to fifteen feet,” one eyewitness told reporters, visibly amused by the whole affair.

“Knowing full well that she was exposing the police officers to a number of sexually transmitted diseases and potentially HIV as well, it is considered that she used her vagina with lethal force against the officers” explained Miguel Aguera, spokesman for the Miami Police Department.

Simmons’s attorney, Alan Smith, argued that his client acted in self-defense and used her vagina, not as a deadly weapon, but in the “appropriate boundaries of her working skills and abilities.”

According to current Florida laws and if convicted of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon against five police officers, Simmons could face up to 1,036 years in jail believe legal experts.

In a 2013 court case, another Miami citizen was convicted of armed robbery after threatening a convenient store clerk with his erect and “AIDS-infected penis” and was sentenced to 237 years in jail.


BurningHeart
LSU Fan
Member since Jan 2017
8959 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

Five Miami Police Department officers attempted to place Simmons under arrest but were momentarily indisposed when the lap dancer ejected vaginal fluids towards the officers, temporarily blinding three and injuring two.




Sounds like a secret weapon


Rattlehead82
Alabama Fan
Florida
Member since Sep 2009
1720 posts
 Online 

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
Is that her or Amy Poehler?


NATidefan
Alabama Fan
Two hours North of Birmingham
Member since Dec 2008
32047 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
She needs to clean up her act.


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270
BurningHeart
LSU Fan
Member since Jan 2017
8959 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
And was this piss or actual "fluids"

The ability to eject fluids on demand without any warm-up is pretty interesting


brass2mouth
LSU Fan
NOLA
Member since Jul 2007
18324 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

She just spread her legs wide open and started squirting in the cops’ faces, eyes and mouths from a distance of about twelve to fifteen feet,” one eyewitness told reporters, visibly amused by the whole affair.

“Knowing full well that she was exposing the police officers to a number of sexually transmitted diseases and potentially HIV as well, it is considered that she used her vagina with lethal force against the officers” explained Miguel Aguera, spokesman for the Miami Police Department.

Simmons’s attorney, Alan Smith, argued that his client acted in self-defense and used her vagina, not as a deadly weapon, but in the “appropriate boundaries of her working skills and abilities.”



This may be the most Florida thing I’ve ever read.


Swagga
New Orleans Saints Fan
504
Member since Dec 2009
12737 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

She just spread her legs wide open and started squirting in the cops’ faces, eyes and mouths from a distance of about twelve to fifteen feet,” one eyewitness told reporters, visibly amused by the whole affair.


is she a fricking octopus, this is hilarious.


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390
fallguy_1978
LSU Fan
Half mile from St George
Member since Feb 2018
35314 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

squirting in the cops’ faces, eyes and mouths from a distance of about twelve to fifteen feet

That's impressive. I don't know if I could achieve this distance first thing in the morning.
This post was edited on 12/23 at 12:31 pm


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241
lsunurse
LSU Fan
Member since Dec 2005
125812 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
If Bella had a daughter....


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540
DemonKA3268
LSU Fan
Parts Unknown
Member since Oct 2015
16662 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

Simmons’s attorney, Alan Smith, argued that his client acted in self-defense and used her vagina, not as a deadly weapon, but in the “appropriate boundaries of her working skills and abilities.”


Squirting on demand, impressive


dagrippa
LSU Fan
Saigon
Member since Nov 2004
10753 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
satire article boooo


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120
BurningHeart
LSU Fan
Member since Jan 2017
8959 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

Knowing full well that she was exposing the police officers to a number of sexually transmitted diseases and potentially HIV as well, it is considered that she used her vagina with lethal force against the officers” explained Miguel Aguera, spokesman for the Miami Police Department.


Wouldn't this quote be slander? How do they know she has STDs?



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fr33manator
LSU Fan
Baton Rouge
Member since Oct 2010
104603 posts
 Online 

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
A recreation of the scene

Image: https://media2.giphy.com/media/q3UEQuCN32ucw/source.gif
This post was edited on 12/23 at 12:36 pm


BamaFan89
Alabama Fan
T-Town
Member since Dec 2009
19245 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

She just spread her legs wide open and started squirting in the cops’ faces, eyes and mouths from a distance of about twelve to fifteen feet,


Is this her?

Image: https://swsca-production.s3.amazonaws.com/cache/7f/44/7f4437e1a6daf17c8aa6304960ed213d.jpg


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Darth_Vader
Auburn Fan
A galaxy far, far away
Member since Dec 2011
51482 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

She just spread her legs wide open and started squirting in the cops’ faces, eyes and mouths from a distance of about twelve to fifteen feet,” one eyewitness told reporters, visibly amused by the whole affair.


Image: https://media3.giphy.com/media/YiUGKByKvH6quh2Ch6/giphy.gif


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231
TigrrrDad
Member since Oct 2016
5563 posts
 Online 

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

Squirting on demand, impressive


Otherwise known as peeing.


High C
USA Fan
viewing the fall....
Member since Nov 2012
41556 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.


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40
deltaland
Arkansas Fan
Member since Mar 2011
65227 posts

re: Miami stripper gives holiday gift to police force.
quote:

2013 court case, another Miami citizen was convicted of armed robbery after threatening a convenient store clerk with his erect and “AIDS-infected penis” and was sentenced to 237 years in jail.



How? How would his aids infected penis harm anyone unless he actually stuck it inside you


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