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re: Looking for Parenting Tip
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:54 pm to chilge2
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:54 pm to chilge2
Teenaged girls are the absolute fricking worst. My daughter, about to turn 16, has finally sort of leveled out some but 13-15 were un-fricking-real. Just an irrational, walking devil who could be the sweet baby girl one minute and a minute later acting literally insane.
A couple things we think have helped.
One, definitely get her into counseling. Explain to her that that's her place to air her feelings, explain doctor privilege, and NEVER ask her about any conversations she has with her counselor. If she wants to talk about things they've talked about, that's on her. She desperately needs an adult that she is confident will not judge her. Without prying, perhaps suggest to her that she should talk with her counselor about anger management and/or impulsive behavior....develop strategies that make her stop and think before reacting.
Secondly, she's not a child any longer. You really need to sit down with her and encourage her to swear, talk about whomever she wants in whatever way she wants, and have an adult conversation. No yelling, just some real talk between the two of you. Listen to her. Cede ground on some things you feel can be ceded. Draw lines where necessary using reason and logic. Stress how much you love her and how scared you are of where her current trajectory is heading.
I don't know, man....good luck. Walking on egg shells with the fear of your child harming herself is a VERY shitty way to live, but you've got to be the rock and help her navigate this difficult time in her life.
***to add, according to a psychologist we spoke with, self-harm is WAY up amongst young teenagers. Between social media, the isolation of the past year, etc., a whole lot of kids are pretty fricked up right now. In other words, none of her actions mean that you're necessarily a bad parent or letting her down in some way. Don't get down on yourself.
A couple things we think have helped.
One, definitely get her into counseling. Explain to her that that's her place to air her feelings, explain doctor privilege, and NEVER ask her about any conversations she has with her counselor. If she wants to talk about things they've talked about, that's on her. She desperately needs an adult that she is confident will not judge her. Without prying, perhaps suggest to her that she should talk with her counselor about anger management and/or impulsive behavior....develop strategies that make her stop and think before reacting.
Secondly, she's not a child any longer. You really need to sit down with her and encourage her to swear, talk about whomever she wants in whatever way she wants, and have an adult conversation. No yelling, just some real talk between the two of you. Listen to her. Cede ground on some things you feel can be ceded. Draw lines where necessary using reason and logic. Stress how much you love her and how scared you are of where her current trajectory is heading.
I don't know, man....good luck. Walking on egg shells with the fear of your child harming herself is a VERY shitty way to live, but you've got to be the rock and help her navigate this difficult time in her life.
***to add, according to a psychologist we spoke with, self-harm is WAY up amongst young teenagers. Between social media, the isolation of the past year, etc., a whole lot of kids are pretty fricked up right now. In other words, none of her actions mean that you're necessarily a bad parent or letting her down in some way. Don't get down on yourself.
1
Posted on 7/29/21 at 10:10 pm to chilge2
Get her full attention. Come down on her like a ton of bricks. Set some very strict rules, and get all of you into therapy.
She will b*tch and p*ss and yell that she hates you. But she needs this and deep down she knows it. Kids who act out with few repercussions are terrified. They’re going to keep acting out because they want someone to take control.
She will b*tch and p*ss and yell that she hates you. But she needs this and deep down she knows it. Kids who act out with few repercussions are terrified. They’re going to keep acting out because they want someone to take control.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 10:13 pm to chilge2
You’ve come to the right place
quote:pics?
Wife
Posted on 7/29/21 at 10:17 pm to mmmmmbeeer
quote:
Secondly, she's not a child any longer. You really need to sit down with her and encourage her to swear, talk about whomever she wants in whatever way she wants, and have an adult conversation.
See I don’t agree on that… first off she is a 14 that is a CHILD A KID not a adult. Secondly you want to let her talk about someone in whatever way she wants to again F THAT SHE IS A CHILD respect is earned not given. Third have a adult conversation again you can’t SHE IS A CHILD A KID… your the type of parent she will run over because your more concerned about being her friend than being a parent… treating her like a adult means when she gets knocked up YOUR RAISING your grandchild because a CHILD CAN NOT RAISE A CHILD.. she don’t have a job, she not paying no bills, hell at 14 what is she going to be a freshman or sophomore In high school? People with a GED are in a higher position than she is… stop trying to TALK and TREAT her like a adult and treat and talk to her like a CHILD because she is
Posted on 7/29/21 at 10:20 pm to chilge2
Take her bedroom door and her phone away. As a consequence she lost those privileges.
And remind her that you love her often.
Idk honestly but my wife’s coworker did this to her daughter (for 2 whole years!) after she snuck out with a boy. Parents actually have a good relationship with their kids it sounds like but when I heard that I thought they must be the strictest parents ever.
And remind her that you love her often.
Idk honestly but my wife’s coworker did this to her daughter (for 2 whole years!) after she snuck out with a boy. Parents actually have a good relationship with their kids it sounds like but when I heard that I thought they must be the strictest parents ever.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 10:25 pm to chilge2
You need to meet and talk to those other kids parents. Hope they're not worthless and will agree to help shut it down. You need more allies in this fight. It sounds like your marriage is riding on it.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 11:14 pm to chilge2
I’m not a parent so I don’t usually comment on these threads as I’ve never had to make the tough choices parents have to make. With that said...
Your daughter has been cutting herself since age 11 and your reaction as a father is to be pissed? And you’re inquiring as to why she hides things? Perhaps this says less about her and more about the environment which led to this situation.
Your daughter has been cutting herself since age 11 and your reaction as a father is to be pissed? And you’re inquiring as to why she hides things? Perhaps this says less about her and more about the environment which led to this situation.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 11:15 pm to chilge2
We don't have nearly enough people coming here for parenting advice
Posted on 7/29/21 at 11:21 pm to List Eater
At 14 she is very much still a child, and her maturity level is probably even younger. Throw in the possibility that the 2 boys are older than she is & no doubt has only one thing in mind & she's doubly vulnerable for her age. You need to spend some serious time talking to your wife as the young girl has to hear only one, consistent message from the 2 of you. As I said, her rebelling is one thing, her cutting herself a whole different concern. Yes, minor - aged suicides rates are sky high right now.
Posted on 7/30/21 at 12:39 am to chilge2
Considering the information you've given, here is my advice:
-There is most likely some psychological/genetic problems passed down from her biological father that you can't control. As most have said, this is an area where you need to put your foot down and force her to get professional help. Make appointments with different therapists and find someone she connects with. Let her have alone time with the therapist, and have joint meetings where you can both share your feelings while getting advice.
-Your wife has probably been part of the problem. Have an honest conversation with her about any enabling behaviors. A common issue is that many parents want to be friends with their children rather than parents. Often times, that means your kids won't like you, but they need guidance.
-There is a difference between being empathetic and actually helping. We all probably had awkward times as teenagers, but we learned from our experiences. Empathize with what she is going through; give her advice on how you learned to get through it.
-Lastly, don't preach or she will push back more. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for; they just lack experience. Treat her like an intelligent human being. She will probably come around at some point. If she doesn't, you're going to have to accept the decisions she makes and go from there - after all, your daughter is almost an adult, and sometimes it takes having to deal with adult consequences to make adult decisions.
I hope that is helpful. Unfortunately, not all stories have happy endings and you might want to prepare for that. There is a big difference between how a 4yo and 14yo respond to discipline, especially when there were different parents at each stage in the child's life.
-There is most likely some psychological/genetic problems passed down from her biological father that you can't control. As most have said, this is an area where you need to put your foot down and force her to get professional help. Make appointments with different therapists and find someone she connects with. Let her have alone time with the therapist, and have joint meetings where you can both share your feelings while getting advice.
-Your wife has probably been part of the problem. Have an honest conversation with her about any enabling behaviors. A common issue is that many parents want to be friends with their children rather than parents. Often times, that means your kids won't like you, but they need guidance.
-There is a difference between being empathetic and actually helping. We all probably had awkward times as teenagers, but we learned from our experiences. Empathize with what she is going through; give her advice on how you learned to get through it.
-Lastly, don't preach or she will push back more. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for; they just lack experience. Treat her like an intelligent human being. She will probably come around at some point. If she doesn't, you're going to have to accept the decisions she makes and go from there - after all, your daughter is almost an adult, and sometimes it takes having to deal with adult consequences to make adult decisions.
I hope that is helpful. Unfortunately, not all stories have happy endings and you might want to prepare for that. There is a big difference between how a 4yo and 14yo respond to discipline, especially when there were different parents at each stage in the child's life.
Posted on 7/30/21 at 12:52 am to chilge2
I didn’t read through 14 pages of shite but if she’s cutting herself this is beyond parental discipline. You need a therapist…..change schools….and serious intervention.
Also, it may be time to face the fact that she’s too far gone to save. I get the impressions this isn’t your kid and her moms from some previous deal….but this needs to dealt with harshly.
My two cents.
Also, it may be time to face the fact that she’s too far gone to save. I get the impressions this isn’t your kid and her moms from some previous deal….but this needs to dealt with harshly.
My two cents.
Posted on 7/30/21 at 1:08 am to chilge2
Take her phone and send her to YCP(youth challenge program) or something.
Posted on 7/30/21 at 1:49 am to chilge2
Tell us what is so bad in your home that your daughter is thinking about killing herself. And why she doesn't respect you or herself. You all need to be in therapy. She is looking for love. Why?
Posted on 7/30/21 at 1:58 am to wileyjones
quote:
Straighten her the frick out ASAP
If you find out how let us know
This should have 100000 up votes
Posted on 7/30/21 at 4:31 am to chilge2
I’d have her in an intense outpatient program with the quickness.
Posted on 7/30/21 at 4:47 am to chilge2
Volatile situation. For real.
Therapy yesterday! Trying to impose a hard hammer on a cutter will do way more damage than you can imagine. Tread carefully.
This is something you and your wife need to get heavily involved in. And, alteration of her environment is likely needed (ie new school, removal from band/club, etc), but done tactfully….
Therapy yesterday! Trying to impose a hard hammer on a cutter will do way more damage than you can imagine. Tread carefully.
This is something you and your wife need to get heavily involved in. And, alteration of her environment is likely needed (ie new school, removal from band/club, etc), but done tactfully….
Posted on 7/30/21 at 4:51 am to goodshotred2
Spot on!
Posted on 7/30/21 at 8:28 am to CharlesLSU
I appreciate the (mostly) helpful advice. The phone was taken away immediately for a month or longer and she now is forced to sleep with her bedroom door open. Deleting Snapchat probably needs to happen as well. Genesis sounds like it's probably the way to go. Hopefully a group therapy setting will allow her to open up in a way that individual therapy hasn't.
Posted on 7/30/21 at 8:31 am to chilge2
quote:
Daughter (14) snuck out of the house the other night to spend the night alone with two boys her age. This coming after she's been cutting herself, stealing from her siblings, vaping excessively, and lying to us the whole time (3+ years).
I knew a girl just like this.. Her cutting eventually became burning with cigarettes.
She was crazy as frick, and was constantly in and out of mental institutions, better seek professional help soon, not the OT...
This post was edited on 7/30/21 at 8:33 am
Posted on 7/30/21 at 8:32 am to chilge2
quote:
Her biological father is a paranoid schizophrenic who's been in and out of prison and rehab her entire life.
Has she been properly psychiatrically evaluated to see if that’s been passed down to her.
Stronger meds like mood stabilizers appear to be on the horizon.
I hope you’re able to get this girl some help
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