Is there a secret you were going to take to your grave?

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I’m still not willing to share. Nothing that would warrant me going to prison but it’s to embarrassing to admit to.

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Joe, we already know you pooped your pants while meeting the Pope, let it go.

Does this half confession make you feel better?

yes but, i can't tell anyone

When I was in first grade, I removed 17 "Under Penalty of Law" tags from my grandmother's furniture. They are still buried in a can in her back yard.

Reminds of this classic Norm clip from the larry king show.

Youtube

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Okay, I'll talk. In third grade I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade I stole my Uncle Max's toupe and I glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew school play. In fifth grade I knocked my sister Edith down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog. Then my mom sent me to...to a summer camp for fat kids. And at third lunch I got nuts and I pigged out, and they kicked me out. But the worst thing I ever done, I mixed up all this fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theatre, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony, and then, then I made a noise like this. Huagh. Huagh. Huagh. Huaaah! And, and then I dumped it over the side on all the people in the audience. Then, th-then then this was horrible, all the people started getting sick, and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

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I chunckled...

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Nothing that would warrant me going to prison but it’s to embarrassing to admit to.

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What was his name?

In college one time I had picked up a girl at a bar named Dawn and my dad called me the next morning at 6am and apologized for waking me up and I said "it's ok I woke up at the crack of dawn this morning" not even realizing what I said until I looked over and the girl was dying laughing with her hand over her mouth and i had to hold it together until I finished the call. Phones had cords back then and I couldn't leave the room.


Never told that story to anyone until today.

Sigh.


Okay, senior year of high school, in miss...I don't recall her name but she was a chunky blonde, in her math class, some dude was messing with me. We had to do some busy work. And I decided I was going to frick with him back.

Now this kid was catty-corner a couple desks down. I used some scissors to cut the straps on his backpack almost all the way.

In the middle of class. Somehow no one noticed me.

At the end of class he picked his backpack up and puts it on and his straps just SNAP, spilling all his shite on the floor. He starts screaming about how someone cut his straps. But absolutely no one noticed anything so they can't figure it out because obviously someone would have noticed someone cutting someone's straps in the middle of class.

The teacher asks everyone and I just shrug my shoulders and say "wouldn't someone have seen something?"


Dude, whoever you were, sorry. That was a shitty move, but a great prank.