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re: Divorce Board Spin-Off: If you have been married, why did you get married?
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:00 pm to BluegrassBelle
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:00 pm to BluegrassBelle
quote:
And for the successfully married OTers, what do you feel like has made your marriage last?
Our ability to forgive each other. I'm not sure how often we fight compared to other couples, but when we do, past issues never get brought into it.
0
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:01 pm to BluegrassBelle
quote:
With the rash of divorce threads as of late, I'm genuinely curious for the married folk why you got married. Looking back, do you think it was for the right reasons?
baptist and wanted to have sex.
yes.
having sex outside of marriage has very short, fleeting, and temporary benefits and horrific lifelong consequences.
quote:
And for the successfully married OTers, what do you feel like has made your marriage last?
Married 20 years.
real answer to the above.
Divorce was never on the table for either of us. We had difference of opinions on several things, but have respect for each other's personhood.
We're on the same page about 90% of the time. She went a little stupid around 2020 because of her liberal white women moms she hung out with but figured out they were all vapid and. FoS and dropped that.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:06 pm to SquatchDawg
trust me I know - I lived it lol
eta
communication, compromise and willingness to understand the other persons view/opinion, and accept it - maybe not agree, but accept it.
if you cannot communicate, the relationship is DOA. Compromise with each other, be willing to meet 1/2 way where you can. forgiveness is up there as well. not for the major things like abuse (any form) or infidelity, but for the little things.
eta
quote:
And for the successfully married OTers, what do you feel like has made your marriage last?
communication, compromise and willingness to understand the other persons view/opinion, and accept it - maybe not agree, but accept it.
if you cannot communicate, the relationship is DOA. Compromise with each other, be willing to meet 1/2 way where you can. forgiveness is up there as well. not for the major things like abuse (any form) or infidelity, but for the little things.
This post was edited on 2/23/24 at 3:12 pm
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:13 pm to BluegrassBelle
I've been with my husband for 32 years. 25 Married. I wanted a family. Found a man that made me feel safe and that I could be myself with. We both came from intact families and shared that as an ideal. We both wanted to have children one day.
I don't believe in the one true soul mate concept of romance. I do believe in myself and in my husband's ability to follow through on commitment towards our ideals of family and trust in our ability to attain the skills required along the way.
If you forgive my crass analogy, I can walk into a dog shelter and as long I have an understanding of what I need (ie, non aggressive, etc.) I am confident I could walk out of there with about any dog and I will love it.
Don't get me wrong. I've been through some shite with this man too. There are times when I questioned if I even LIKED him. My secret sauce is this: 1) be able to discern my own needs. 2) being able to communicate them in a non-critical manner AT the right time. 3) Apologize after a fight. Even if you feel like the "facts" are on your side you still contributed to the escalation in some way. Always repair. Stuffing down emotions breeds resentment. 4). Give him some 'wins'. Show gratitude when your spouse gets stuff right.
I don't believe in the one true soul mate concept of romance. I do believe in myself and in my husband's ability to follow through on commitment towards our ideals of family and trust in our ability to attain the skills required along the way.
If you forgive my crass analogy, I can walk into a dog shelter and as long I have an understanding of what I need (ie, non aggressive, etc.) I am confident I could walk out of there with about any dog and I will love it.
Don't get me wrong. I've been through some shite with this man too. There are times when I questioned if I even LIKED him. My secret sauce is this: 1) be able to discern my own needs. 2) being able to communicate them in a non-critical manner AT the right time. 3) Apologize after a fight. Even if you feel like the "facts" are on your side you still contributed to the escalation in some way. Always repair. Stuffing down emotions breeds resentment. 4). Give him some 'wins'. Show gratitude when your spouse gets stuff right.
This post was edited on 2/23/24 at 3:18 pm
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:17 pm to BluegrassBelle
quote:
And for the successfully married OTers, what do you feel like has made your marriage last?
There are three big ones for me & Mrs. Bard:
The first thing is trust. Both you and your partner need to not only be trustworthy but willing to trust one another. Before getting married you have to look objectively at both yourself and your partner to gauge this.
The second is communication. I put this as the second because without trust you are going to have a tough time communicating. This ranges from finances to how you view raising children (if you even want them) to randomly telling the other person you love them. An incredibly important aspect of this is learning how to disagree.
The third is respect. With trust and communication, this one naturally occurs. Without both of the other two, this one is tough to achieve. This becomes especially true when disagreeing. Having that respect for one another is going to help you both from letting your emotions in the moment override your common sense. Another aspect of this is to not take one another for granted by reminding yourself (each of you), in an ongoing manner, the different reasons why you love one another.
If both parties can achieve these three, the rest is more likely to work out on its own.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:17 pm to BluegrassBelle
I got a bit lucky, but 11 years in, life is great.
My wife works, exercises and is a good mom.
My kids can think for themselves for the most part and I love the shite out of them.
Can't imagine things any other way. Middle age is treating me well.
My wife works, exercises and is a good mom.
My kids can think for themselves for the most part and I love the shite out of them.
Can't imagine things any other way. Middle age is treating me well.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:18 pm to SaintTiger80
My husband and I started dating junior year in high school, dated 5.5 years, both virgins when we married at 21. There are some days I want to kill him and bury the body, and I'm sure he feels the same, lol. But 95% of the time he's my very best friend and I'm crazy about him. He told me when we started dated that he's been hunting a lot longer than he'd known me, and if I thought that would change, I was wrong...we've been married 21 years now.
This post was edited on 2/23/24 at 3:33 pm
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:22 pm to foj1981
Hang in there, 3-4 more tries you might get in right
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:22 pm to BluegrassBelle
Married because my wife is awesome, I enjoy being with her, and putting our resources together gave us both a better life.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:23 pm to BluegrassBelle
I got married because I genuinely loved my wife and wanted a family. It was not the right thing to do. I had to push everything and take the initiative to even make it happen. There were lot of red flags. I’m the type of person that loves giving gifts and surprising people and I absolutely loved doing things for her. No matter what I did for her nothing ever was quite right. I thought that eventually things would fall into place and make her happy. There was always some kind of adversity we were fighting or some goal we were working towards that always allowed me to think that once we got through that it would be good. We were together for almost 14 years. Lived together for almost 13. We were engaged for 5 years and married for 3. We traveled and lived all over but coming home was ultimately our undoing. I think coming back to our home and “making” it and having a child and buying a home and all the things made it clear that it was never going to be right. There was nothing to cover it up anymore. We had everything and it didn’t matter.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:29 pm to Audustxx
quote:
Hang in there, 3-4 more tries you might get in right
Totally get this is a joke, but in reality there is a reason second, third, fourth marriages have sequentially higher rates of divorce. Until you learn that your shite does, in fact, stink... you will just carry all of your bullshite into the next marriage.
There was a time recently when I thought to myself that I'm never divorcing my husband because I can't let some other bitch get this man, after decades of my dedicated tutorage invested in him, so that he can pick his dirty clothes up off of her floor, load his dirty dishes in her dishwasher, remember her birthday and then pass me off as the "CRAZY ex-wife"
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:30 pm to MAXtheTIGER
quote:
Sex
Joke was on you then.
This post was edited on 2/23/24 at 3:42 pm
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:39 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
I thought to myself that I'm never divorcing my husband because I can't let some other bitch get this man, after decades of my dedicated tutorage invested in him, so that he can pick his dirty clothes up off of her floor, load his dirty dishes in her dishwasher, remember her birthday and then pass me off as the "CRAZY ex-wife"
You should write anniversary cards for Hallmark.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:41 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
TigerBaitOohHaHa
You sound like a keeper
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:42 pm to BluegrassBelle
First time? Poon
Second time? Because she's an amazing woman and I genuinely enjoy her company. There's a prenup in place on #2 though.
Second time? Because she's an amazing woman and I genuinely enjoy her company. There's a prenup in place on #2 though.
This post was edited on 2/23/24 at 3:43 pm
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:44 pm to BluegrassBelle
When I got married it was “for better or worse”. I soon learned that meant she couldn’t do any better, and I couldn’t do any worse.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:47 pm to BluegrassBelle
Because my wife is an awesome woman and my best friend. It feels amazing to be loved by someone like her.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:48 pm to BluegrassBelle
quote:
why did you get married?
Because I love my wife
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:50 pm to 3nOut
quote:
having sex outside of marriage has very short, fleeting, and temporary benefits and horrific lifelong consequences.
Like busting nuts and not ending up miserable for the rest of your life because you married an unaffectionate prude?
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:59 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
don't believe in the one true soul mate concept of romance. I do believe in myself and in my husband's ability to follow through on commitment towards our ideals of family and trust in our ability to attain the skills required along the way.
If you forgive my crass analogy, I can walk into a dog shelter and as long I have an understanding of what I need (ie, non aggressive, etc.) I am confident I could walk out of there with about any dog and I will love it.
i said something along the same lines to my wife once. didn't go over well.
to your analogy, i don't think i could walk out with ANY dog and love it, but i'd only be entertaining dogs i was interested in bringing home.
as a christian, i didn't date a whole ton (your pool is much smaller if you have those standards) and my wife is the only woman i've ever slept with. i dated 5 girls from HS to getting married in college at 21.
3/5, i'm very confident i could still be married to today, happily. the journey would be different, but our morals and goals lined up.
the two i didn't marry (a very submissive quiet woman who was very pretty and friendly, but boring... and a very assertive career oriented woman who was a bit too forward for me) would have never worked out.
actually out of curiosity, i just looked up the more career oriented one and she has her PHD and is a consultant that posts daily on linkedin about her travels. Genuinely a great person but I couldn't be married to her. She got married but has no kids.
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