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re: Any thoughts on men who refuse to pay for their wives to stay home with the kids?
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:20 pm to Swamp Angel
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:20 pm to Swamp Angel
quote:
If you keep separate bank accounts as a married couple, you've got some serious issues at the root. Never marry someone with whom you would not share a bank account or who would not share an account with you. That's a trust issue (or lack thereof) that will wreck what is supposed to be the deepest, most sincere, and most sacred relationship on this earth.
Mrs and I have been operating with separate accounts for 34 years, works great for us. We do share balances occasionally so we can plan for vacations, home improvements, vehicles/maintenance etc. We have an extremely high level of trust with each other.
To your point, it doesn’t work for everyone.
This post was edited on 4/13/26 at 4:24 pm
1
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:21 pm to andwesway
quote:
When only one of you work, your family is always one layoff, firing or long-term medical condition away from disaster.
Those are financial risks. Rainy day fund is important in general but in particular with your point.
Finances are obviously important. When both of you work, the risk is on the kids getting their most important needs met, in the moments that matter. Diluted parental attention, less supervision when it is needed most, available to be attuned to the children changes in emotions / moods when inevitable rocky life times, more focus on the little things that are the big things, and owning the raising of your kids. Bigger risks
I’m partial. Gen X not raised w/latch key.
Blessings overflow.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:27 pm to AlumneyeJ93
What happens when a big expense like a roof replacement comes up and one spouse has money saved and the other doesn’t? 
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:30 pm to Upperdecker
quote:
Split bank accounts are just begging to have problems.
Ok quote:
How do you split the bills?
I pay every bill we have except for utilities (only so she could get her drivers license changed to our address when we got married) and private school tuition since she works at the school.
quote:
Is it fair?
I make almost 10x what my wife makes, so yeah it's fair I pay everything
quote:
How does spending money on oneself work?
You just go buy what you want to spend that money on. The only thing that's not going on our joint credit cards are presents for each other.
quote:
Who has to save for retirement and how much?
W both do, but what she saves is a drop in the bucket compared to what I save for us.
quote:
Is it fair?
Yeah, we both contribute what we can afford.
quote:
Do you retire at the same time?
She will most likely retire long before I do.
quote:
Is it fair?
It is to me. I'd probably let her retire tomorrow if I didn't want to give up half price tuition
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:32 pm to Everyday Is Saturday
I don't really believe OP's story. There's something else that the friend isn't saying. Making wife pay for groceries out of savings? That doesn't pass the sniff test.
What I've consistently watched with SAHM is that the ones that used to work (whole lot of teachers) aren't willing to adjust their lifestyle to reflect reality. A lot of men just internalize the stress of making payments on $120k worth of vehicles, when they should be driving 60k worth of vehicles, which negatively impacts the marriage, and hence the kids.
I'm Gen X and wouldn't trade being a latchkey kid for anything. It's built me to be very independent.
quote:
Finances are obviously important
What I've consistently watched with SAHM is that the ones that used to work (whole lot of teachers) aren't willing to adjust their lifestyle to reflect reality. A lot of men just internalize the stress of making payments on $120k worth of vehicles, when they should be driving 60k worth of vehicles, which negatively impacts the marriage, and hence the kids.
I'm Gen X and wouldn't trade being a latchkey kid for anything. It's built me to be very independent.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:32 pm to StringedInstruments
quote:
When they started having kids, he said, "It's not my responsibility to pay for your vacation" in regards to her staying home. She took a 2 month maternity leave with each of their kids that she supplemented with her own savings.
I don’t agree with this guy at all, but this is what women/feminists asked for with feminism. Sounds like this guy is about as smart as most modern feminists.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:45 pm to Epic Cajun
quote:
What happens when a big expense like a roof replacement comes up and one spouse has money saved and the other doesn’t?
I mean, the bare minimum of communication and regular financial planning avoids this. Do people with joint accounts think you just can't communicate about finances unless everything is pooled together?
Posted on 4/13/26 at 4:50 pm to GoCrazyAuburn
You should be communicating either way but wtf is the point of separate accounts with your spouse? You’re in it together as one. What’s mine is hers and hers is mine. Separating things especially when it starts coming down to splitting bills and such just seems completely divorced from the idea of marriage.
You’re roommates. Might have kids together. Might get benefits. Government gives you a little tax break. But you’re roommates
You’re roommates. Might have kids together. Might get benefits. Government gives you a little tax break. But you’re roommates
Posted on 4/13/26 at 5:00 pm to DavidTheGnome
The people arguing that joint accounts are the only way to go are really weird. I think some of you choose poor mates. I also say that about once a month on here.
No one supporting separate accounts is arguing the other side is wrong, we are all more open minded.
No one supporting separate accounts is arguing the other side is wrong, we are all more open minded.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 5:08 pm to LemmyLives
I have no say in high school sport schedules but I'm not saying no to sports for my kids. Especially my sophomore who has lettered in three sports so she pretty much does something year round, including summer conditioning.
The problem is that we have one in high school and one in elementary and those are completely different worlds with regards to schedules and locations. And high school practice they are done when they are done whether it is on time or 30 minutes late. My oldest will be driving this summer and that will be a huge help.
The problem is that we have one in high school and one in elementary and those are completely different worlds with regards to schedules and locations. And high school practice they are done when they are done whether it is on time or 30 minutes late.
My oldest will be driving this summer and that will be a huge help.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 5:11 pm to DavidTheGnome
quote:
You should be communicating either way but wtf is the point of separate accounts with your spouse? You’re in it together as one. What’s mine is hers and hers is mine. Separating things especially when it starts coming down to splitting bills and such just seems completely divorced from the idea of marriage.
You’re roommates. Might have kids together. Might get benefits. Government gives you a little tax break. But you’re roommates
I just don't understand this line of reasoning. I just don't. You are't more unified as a couple because you just pool all your bank accounts together. That is just folly. Every marriage has areas where each person is allowed "their" space/resources, etc. You just have a different idea of where the line is drawn.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 5:14 pm to nola tiger lsu
quote:
The people arguing that joint accounts are the only way to go are really weird
quote:
No one supporting separate accounts is arguing the other side is wrong
Yea, it is odd to me. It is like arguing having a man cave in the house is wrong and sign of problems in the marriage.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 5:15 pm to StringedInstruments
this is dude seems really weird but every marriage is different. We have a total of 6 accounts. Our checking 90% of paychecks, my checking and her checking each get the other 10% of our paychecks. 2 different types of savings accounts and a UBS account.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 5:56 pm to Benne Wafer
quote:
but I'm not saying no to sports for my kids
I get it. An example: my ex-wife could have my kid practicing lacrosse 20m away. But she chose to enroll him with a different team 40m away, with practices that don't end until 9PM on school nights, at 6x the expense. Then, with dance, they routinely schedule "competitions" that start on Friday mornings necessitating missing a day of school for my other kid. Parental choice, but not necessarily the right one.
Her, and many parent's choices, stretch everyone too thin, *especially* with teenager's sleep schedules. It seems to become some sort of performative "self sacrifice" for parents. Theater parents put up with ad-hoc rehearsals scheduled with no warning, etc.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 6:03 pm to StringedInstruments
Sounds like he treats her like a nanny that he’s banging
This post was edited on 4/13/26 at 6:04 pm
Posted on 4/13/26 at 6:07 pm to GoCrazyAuburn
quote:
just don't. You are't more unified as a couple because you just pool all your bank accounts together
It removes the ability to hide anything. How much money is being spent on frivolous shite like Sephora, eating out, sports gambling, etc.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 6:10 pm to LemmyLives
quote:
It removes the ability to hide anything.
Got it, so trust issues. That’s not much of an argument why unifying the bank accounts is more in the spirit of marriage and having separate ones is divorced of the idea of marriage.
quote:
How much money is being spent on frivolous shite like Sephora, eating out, sports gambling, etc.
Irrelevant. As I already mentioned, bare minimum communication and financial planning and what they spend of frivolous things is meaningless. You’re using separate accounts as the scapegoat for other issues.
This post was edited on 4/13/26 at 6:12 pm
Posted on 4/13/26 at 6:17 pm to GoCrazyAuburn
quote:
You’re using separate accounts as the scapegoat for other issues.
Everything is always communication, that's a cop out answer. Do you have quarterly meetings about your retirement savings, showing each other statements, etc? There is a heavy trend for everyone to put their head in the sand and not do things like monthly budget planning for both parties, etc.
quote:
spirit of marriage
Hope is not a plan. Hoping your husband is paying the homeowner's insurance, and hoping your wife isn't dropping $300 on mimosas are not strategies.
I'm not saying that independent accounts of blow money aren't allowed, but the weird situation of paying 75% of the mortgage out of one account, and 25% out of another account, and all the weird contortions that are entailed (I pay for groceries, except for parties, which you pay for, or whatever convoluted BS y'all engage in.)
Posted on 4/13/26 at 6:18 pm to StringedInstruments
They are weak men and not protectors of their home. If a woman wants to work while the kids are in school, that is fine although not biblical. If you can’t provide for your family and make your wife work while paying strangers to help raise your kids, it’s a shame.
Posted on 4/13/26 at 6:21 pm to LemmyLives
quote:
Hope is not a plan. Hoping your husband is paying the homeowner's insurance,
Why wouldn’t your spouse be able to see if payments were made? You can’t tell if your spouse paid the insurance bill this month without being able to see the bank account?
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