Embattled LSU Law Professor's Final Exam

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Hypo: The Great Pumpkin ... Penetrator

Lyle, a 5'9* 17 year-old resident of Sparks, Nevada, always looked forward to Halloween. It was his favorite holiday. He especially enjoyed going around and penetrating his neighbors® pumpkins with his genitals. The only problem was that most of them were lit, so he had to be careful. He didn't want his member to get burned, not only because it would be painful but also because it would be very embarrassing to explain at the hospital. Generally, his solution was simply to blow out the candle. He was smart like that.

Lyle avoided getting caught by wearing a long black bathrobe. (That was it, though - nothing underneath, not even underwear.) So whenever somebody saw him leaning over their pumpkin and asked him what he was doing, he would just smile, wave, quickly close up shop, and tell them that he was admiring their "artwork" or "craftsmanship".

On Halloween, while Lyle was drilling a neighbor's (Moby's) pumpkin, three 11-year-olds - Ned, Olive, and Peter - walked up and rang Moby's doorbell. Lyle didn't hear them - they were about 15 feet to his left - so he kept at it. His thrusts were so vigorous that the left side of his robe flew back and the three kids saw it all. They started giggling, at which point Lyle stopped, backed away from the pumpkin, and slinked away behind a bush. Seconds later, Moby opened the door. The kids, still giggling, yelled "Trick or treat!"

Moby was a suspected pedophile, but - as a powerful Republican - he had never been investigated for his inappropriate behavior with children. His response to the Hallowtweens was:
"OK - treat! I want all of you to come inside and perform for your candy." The kids agreed and went inside. Unbeknownst to Moby, Lyle sneaked in behind them and secretly recorded with his iPhone what then happened.

After showing the kids a bowl full of chocolate bars and lollipops, Moby instructed them to take off their costumes and dance to the tune of his favorite song, "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate. Ned, Olive, and Peter immediately ripped their costumes off and started dancing. For the hell of it, Ned took off his pants and shirt too; all he had on was his underwear.

Moby whipped out his iPhone and started recording. After about two minutes of this little performance, Moby stopped recording, gave the kids plenty of treats, sent them outside, and told them to "come back whenever you want - there's always music and candy here!" The Hallowtweens all thanked him and went on their merry way.

When Moby went into his bathroom, Lyle sneaked out the front door and ran home. Indeed, he ran so fast that his robe flew off and landed on Moby's lawn. Minutes later, when he arrived back home, he uploaded to Facebook his video, which included clear shots of Moby's face. He added the caption: "Dancing with the little stars! Such talent!"

Within an hour, Ned's mother, Quintina, saw the video, which had gone viral. Furious, she put on her coat, ran to Moby's house, and pounded on his door. When Moby opened it, Quintina shoved the video in Moby's face and said, "What the hell is this??" Moby was shocked - he wondered who the hell recorded all this - but quickly recevered and answered, "What's the problem? They all had a great time!" Quintina responded that she was gonna kill him. Moby tried slamming the door, but she managed to block it and ran inside after him.

As Quintina was chasing Moby, Moby pressed a button, which opened a trap door right below Quintina She fell on to a thick mat in Moby's basement. The mat softened her landing, but she still ended up breaking her right ankle.
Moby's neighbor across the street, Ralph, watched the entire interaction between Moby and Quintina with his binoculars and called the police right after Quintina suddenly disappeared through the floor. Minutes later, Officers Steve and Tricia arrived at Moby's house. Initially, Moby denied the entire story. But when the officers heard screaming, they pushed their way inside, found Quintina in the basement, and called for EMS, which arrived minutes later and drove Quintina to the hospital.

The officers were about to arrest Moby, but he was indignant. "Don't you know who I am?" he asked them. The officers said they didn't. "I'm the richest Republican in Sparks! And you know what that means, right? I am above the law!" The officers apologized for not knowing, smiled sheepishly, wished him a good night, and drove away.

You are the judge. Assume all of the facts above are proven beyond a reasonable doubt at trial. Discuss all potential crimes and defenses.

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