Unsophisticated analysis of USA soccer’s latest embarrassing collapse

Like many baws, I played football and baseball and had no interest in soccer. Still don’t, really.

But every four years or so, I get sucked into this World Cup nonsense because it falls in the absolute doldrum of sports that matter in the US.

So tonight I sat down and watched USA soccer get bitch-slapped by a wimpy little country that is slightly smaller than Maryland.

Here’s what I saw:

When they finally had the nation’s attention, USA soccer absolutely caved. Belgium looked better at every position.

They executed coherent offensive and defensive schemes, and at no point did their goalie seem to be high.

All night team USA played soft and tentative. They looked lost and overwhelmed by the moment.

Hopefully, this was enough of an embarrassing arse-kicking that the vast majority of Americans will forget about this silly game played by dramatic little men who shave their legs.

In this country, all of our best athletes will continue to play football, basketball, and baseball because that’s where all the cultural capital and, of course, the money is.

I think there was an opportunity tonight to maybe challenge that some, had this team showed up with a little bit of heart, a little bit of grit, and a little bit of balls.

That did not happen.

Sorry, soccer bros. I guess you’ll have to keep wearing jerseys from professional teams in other countries.