re: worst experience you've had with a girl in bed

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Exactly in these 19 pages combine there might be a total of 1 page of truth

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We have found the fricking simp who can't get laid.

Kind of… you killed the pussy.

I had just gotten out of two year relationship and basically looking for a rebound type thing. This was 2002 and I had a few months left before I separated from the Air Force. Back then, I would meet people by searching through local AOL profiles.

One night, I was downloading a CD via my blazing fast 56kb dial up internet and I hear a couple of "dinging" noises. Someone instant messaged me and said I was cute, she was local. She looked hot in her profile picture so we talked for a few hours and she wanted to meet up the next night. I agreed and she wanted to meet at my apartment and basically would not meet me anywhere else. I thought this was odd but my horny level was through the roof.

She arrived around 6pm and I was waiting outside because I didn't want her to know which apartment I lived in. It was also December in Wyoming so it was cold as frick. When she pulled up, all I saw was her face and I was like "Holy shite, this chick is hot" until I got into her car and she had a pretty big belly pooch and her teeth were horribly stained. She did have enormous tits though.

I figured I was just hang out and not do anything. I was already in the car and didn't want to just bail like that. As we're taking off, she says "Say hi, Destiny" and I'm like...wtf? I look in the back seat and she has an 18 month old baby. We basically rode around looking for someone to watch her kid but no one could. I told her to just drop me off at my place.

A few hours later, I hear a knock on my door. It's her. She found a babysitter and I have no clue how she figured out which apartment was mine. It was also almost midnight and she wanted to stay over. I had one condom so I was like frick it. I tried playing with her titties but she wouldn't let me see them or even feel them. She also said she doesn't give BJ's. She also didn't want me to use protection but I'm not stupid. I just wanted to to sleep so I lasted about 3 minutes and she said that it was "the best sex she's ever had". I rolled over and went to sleep.

I had to be at training for 8am the next morning and she wanted to have sex again and forbid to leave until we had sex. Thankfully, I found another condom buried and I probably lasted two minutes tops and ushered her out the door. When I returned home, I had 39 missed calls and 7 messages on my answering machine. 37 of those calls were from her.

She showed up again that night. She stepped out my front door(that I never used) to smoke. I hear a knock on my back door and it's my ex girlfriend wanting to talk. I locked the front door and my ex and I left out the back door. I'm assuming that other girl had her car keys because when I got back, she wasn't there. I was on a month to month so I moved with a buddy of mine(who actually lived a few blocks from where I lived)for the last few weeks I was there. I would see her drive around the apartment complex a few times.

I never saw her again but for SIX MONTHS after I separated and moved back here, she would email me.

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Menstrual blood or shite? Tough choice.

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Think of it this way, you cut your finger and it bleeds, you suck it; you wipe your arse and get shite on your finger do you (normal people) suck it.

Blood FTW.

I have another. Met this chick during the MySpace days. She added me as a friend and we chatted a bit. Said she was going to NYC for New Year's Eve and wanted to meet when she came back. She was cute, albeit a bit chubby. So, a few days after NYE, I see her online so I say hi. She's not really talkative and it's late so I tell her I'm going to bed.

She tells me to come lay with her. I got dressed in 2.5 seconds and out the door.

I call her and she's like "you aren't like...really coming over, right?" I told her I could turn around and she's like "nooooo, come."

She lived in the apartments behind Rouse's in Lafayette(old Graham Central Station). She was from Thibodaux but a freshman at ULL. We hung out for a bit and watched TV. Started kissing and ended with her giving me a great BJ and she swallowed.

I know you guys said "worse". I'm getting there.

We didn't have sex that night but she called me back over a few days later. She tells me she wants to frick, but I need to pull out. I tell her I have condoms and she's like "Yeah...no, I have condoms but you still need to pull out". I'm like..ok sure..

She only wanted to do it doggy. Every two seconds, she was like.."are you close...hey are you close? Please tell me when you're about to cum..I'm serious." I legit could not concentrate with her asking literally every two seconds so I just started railing her and she's moaning and being loud and still fricking asking me if I'm close.

I told her I was, she pushed me away with all of her might and I'm nutting away. She legit takes the condom off, holds it up and inspects it. I'm guessing to see if it leaked..who knows! Never saw her again, but she did eventually get married but is now divorced..twice.

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Met a girl at a club in Hammond not too long before last call. I was hammered but went back to her place to do the deed. It wasn't until she was on top of me riding away that I realized she had a prosthetic hand.

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Missy Hand?

I follow her on Pinterest

Junior year brought a girl home who was on her period. Played with her butt and the next morning she is convinced that the tampon she was wearing was now lost in her vagina and she couldn’t get the string.

She wanted me to root around in her vagina, locate and remove the tampon.

I am no doctor but in the name of science and also to get this girl out of my house willing to roll my sleeves up and get dirty.

After literally fisting this girl on the toilet looking for a gd tampon, I find nothing.

At this point lost tampon girl is hysterical and decides she needs to phone a friend and now I’ve got tampon girl crying on the toilet with her friends hand shoved up her cooter and me in the background giving advice.

In the end we all decided the tampon was removed the night before and all was well.

Afterwards I smoked a cigarette and took a shower but I still think from time to time about how sore that poor girl must have been.

That was also the last time she was invited over.

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Yet another example. Why do some guys insist on opening the back door?????

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Repressed homosexuality.

I don't know why you'd want to hit that nasty thing. If the ole lady asked me to give it a go I would give it a shot, however.

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One has to wonder who these chicks end up with. I mean, who would marry them?

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I dated a cute girl that had this problem. I don't know how they can't smell it themselves.

I'm not sure if it was hygiene or just her natural odor. But I couldn't take it and it was a deal breaker. It come up from out of the sheets, like a latent fart would.

I could never bring myself to tell her. We just ended it. She's married now, has kids I think. So someone hit it.

Girlfriend at the time, now my wife started her period mid event. Like a crime scene in her bed. She was so embarrassed. Thankfully I wasnt eating her out when said event began.