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Posted on 3/27/26 at 8:12 pm to tigerskin
My siblings and I taking care of our 82 year old dad. He rotates certain amount weeks among us. No chance we are putting him in a nursing home after he spent his whole life taking care of us. But he’s pretty easy. Eats, sleeps(18 hrs/day), takes medications.
Posted on 3/27/26 at 8:29 pm to PeteRose
Step Dad
He was mean and ornery. Maybe that comes with the territory when your in your 90's and a medicated atheist along with suffering TDS.
It was horrible.
He was mean and ornery. Maybe that comes with the territory when your in your 90's and a medicated atheist along with suffering TDS.
It was horrible.
Posted on 3/27/26 at 9:16 pm to tigerskin
quote:
Let's hear your stories of how all you have dealt with an aging parent.
I would give anything to have my parents back in healthy shape, but if there’s a silver lining to them both somewhat abruptly passing away young (about two months apart in their early/mid 60s) it’s that I didn’t have to deal with much of this.
Posted on 3/27/26 at 9:38 pm to tigerskin
quote:
When to take over financials
I am wondering this right now... At what point is your parents spending out of reality?
Here are two scenerios and I would love OT's thoughts...
1. Aging parent decides to buy a food truck and stick it in the middle of no where, thinking it will one day do good.. So... $50k food Truck,,, OK
Then 50K to put it under a roof.
then another 50K to build a deck around it... You are now up to 150K on a food truck in the middle of no where that averages about $100 a day.
At what point do you say "That's enough".. But you know they won't listen. And what actions can you take. They are still in control of their finances.
Or this scenerio. (Made up, but needed to be)
You have an aging parent and they want to buy some land, build a road and create a tollway and make money.
But the problem is that they want to build to tollway at the bottom of the mountain. Every single Engineer on the planet says-"Do not build the roadway there, soon it will rain and wash your road away."
But the parent says: "It's my money and I can do what I want"... So you and every engineer on the planet knows that the outcome is that the roadway will soon be washed away and all that money spent for nothing.
How do you handle that situation?
This post was edited on 3/27/26 at 9:40 pm
Posted on 3/27/26 at 9:45 pm to WWII Collector
Taking your first scenario, I don't think you can do anything about it if they are of sound mind and not under undue influence.
I think I know where you are going with this. They are just pissing away money and could care less that any kind of elder care down the line is expensive as shite. Then who pays for it and how when that time comes? I think Medicaid will pay for nursing home if they have absolutely nothing.
I think I know where you are going with this. They are just pissing away money and could care less that any kind of elder care down the line is expensive as shite. Then who pays for it and how when that time comes? I think Medicaid will pay for nursing home if they have absolutely nothing.
This post was edited on 3/27/26 at 9:47 pm
Posted on 3/27/26 at 9:51 pm to tigerskin
quote:
Taking your first scenario, I don't think you can do anything about it if they are of sound mind and not under undue influence.
I think I know where you are going with this. They are just pissing away money and could care less that any kind of elder care down the line is expensive as shite. Then who pays for it and how when that time comes? I think Medicaid will pay for nursing home if they have absolutely nothing.
Actually, No.. I believe that they feel they are making absoulutely sound deicsions. That these exspenses will one day pay off.
But simply put.. Lets say that you had a parent and they $100,000. It was everyting that they had... But they being of sound mind and will, decided that they wanted to spend all 100,000 of it on an ice cream truck and stick it in Siberia.
Do you as a offspring of a parent to say NO, or do you just let them spend their money and learn their lesson.. When its all that they have?
Posted on 3/27/26 at 9:53 pm to tigerskin
My mom is at the late stages of ALS and her husband and her kids all help. She is on hospice so there is that as well.
As for as her finances, although she can't do anything, she still knows what is going on and if there is one thing she is going to have a say so in, is her finances. If she is about to die, all you have to do is mention something about her finances and her eyes will quickly open wide. I think she saves any bit of energy she can just to communicate about her finances.
But more than her finances, she hates change so looking into cheaper house and car insurance is a huge no no. And she doesn't pay online and she doesn't want anyone to mail the payment in, she wants it to be dropped off at the insurance company's office because 1 time her check got lost in the mail and the insurance company charged her a late fee and she was pissed, yet she doesn't want to look for cheaper insurance.
I would say this.. Step 1.. Make sure they have a will
As for as her finances, although she can't do anything, she still knows what is going on and if there is one thing she is going to have a say so in, is her finances. If she is about to die, all you have to do is mention something about her finances and her eyes will quickly open wide. I think she saves any bit of energy she can just to communicate about her finances.
But more than her finances, she hates change so looking into cheaper house and car insurance is a huge no no. And she doesn't pay online and she doesn't want anyone to mail the payment in, she wants it to be dropped off at the insurance company's office because 1 time her check got lost in the mail and the insurance company charged her a late fee and she was pissed, yet she doesn't want to look for cheaper insurance.
I would say this.. Step 1.. Make sure they have a will
Posted on 3/27/26 at 9:55 pm to WWII Collector
Look I get it. I am just saying how exactly are you going to prevent them from doing it? If they wanted to put 100 grand on red on the roulette wheel, you couldn't stop that either.
Posted on 3/27/26 at 9:57 pm to La Place Mike
quote:
What would be the charge?
"Quit putting this on us".
Not being a dick, or not trying to be one, but humans (Westerners in particular) have to start having more honest conversations, all around, about death. Simple as it gets.
Posted on 3/27/26 at 9:59 pm to tigerskin
It can get really bad. Don't expect them to go to any care center willingly. There comes a time when you dont have the skills or knowledge to care for them . Exhausting
Sometimes I think modern medicine keeps people alive too long. The quality of life was really bad for my mother the last 5 years of her life.
Sometimes I think modern medicine keeps people alive too long. The quality of life was really bad for my mother the last 5 years of her life.
This post was edited on 3/27/26 at 10:01 pm
Posted on 3/27/26 at 10:09 pm to tigerskin
quote:
I think Medicaid will pay for nursing home if they have absolutely nothing.
If you live in a small town with few options, get that estate in a trust and let the Medicaid roll.
If you live in a moderate size city, you don't want yourself or any of your family in a facility that will accept Medicaid. Plan accordingly.
My parents were self-insured, lol( I can say that now) My dad spent 18 months straight in a nursing home 2013-2014 at $7000/month. My mother spent 2013-2022 in assisted living. Her facility started at $3500/mo in '13 and ended at $5500/mo in '22.
My mother ran out of money and assets towards the end of '20. I paid 16 months on my own without the help of three other brothers.
I'm guessing my dad's rate has doubled and my mom's is 20-30% higher now.
Posted on 3/27/26 at 10:09 pm to tigerskin
quote:
Look I get it. I am just saying how exactly are you going to prevent them from doing it? If they wanted to put 100 grand on red on the roulette wheel, you couldn't stop that either.
Then we both ponder the same questions...
Posted on 3/27/26 at 11:40 pm to tigerskin
Sitters are crazy expensive and you’ll still have to closely follow your parent’s care.
Posted on 3/28/26 at 12:41 am to Eightballjacket
This getting old stuff really sucks. My mom had a brain tumor but she still wanted the show run her way. My Dad tried to make it work as. Long as he could. None of the kids lived close enough to check on them except by phone. The stress of trying to keep her in the house and take care of her was so bad that he got a stomach ulcer and it almost killed him.
My sister quit her job and moved cross country to take care of them. She Eventually got them into assisted living at St. James place in Baton Rouge. The doctor said she had 24 months to live and she died within a month.
Aaannnd then Dad called us and wanted to get married a couple of weeks after Mom died.
That’s a whole nother story.
My sister quit her job and moved cross country to take care of them. She Eventually got them into assisted living at St. James place in Baton Rouge. The doctor said she had 24 months to live and she died within a month.
Aaannnd then Dad called us and wanted to get married a couple of weeks after Mom died.
That’s a whole nother story.
Posted on 3/28/26 at 1:09 am to tigerskin
My life was pure hell dealing with my elderly parents the last two years. My dad passed away in January.
They were living on their own 40 minutes away until 10 months ago. Dad could drive a little to their local doctors and such, but seeing any of their specialists in Nola meant I had to miss work to take them. Then the manipulation and guilt trip stunts started with my dad anytime I wouldn’t drive right over when he thought he needed something.
Moved them into an assisted living place last May and that really was about a year too late.
It only took three months for things to start going sideways for them with more health issues and falls, etc. neither one will walk or do the exercises. Mom watched Fox News 10 hours a day and my dad didn’t do shite except eat and sleep.
Had to get them into a nursing home in October. They didn’t have much money so it wasn’t a great place. Dealing with the nursing home, handling their finances, shopping occasionally for them, and worrying about a bad case of some kind of temporary dementia my dad had just wore my arse out.
The last time I took my dad out we went to a Walgreens and he shite himself and it ran down onto the floor: then as he was walking out the door he stopped and shite some more and it ran down into his shoe. I cleaned the floor at the place and cleaned his shoe the best I could and got his smelly arse into my car. I had to clean him up a few times before that at the nursing home when he shite himself while I was visiting.
Mom would routinely get her medicines all screwed up in the year before the move to the nursing home so I finally started filling a weekly pill box for her. Even after that she would sometimes be stubborn and try to screw around with the meds.
I’m going to make sure my kids will not have to be burdened by me when I get old.
They were living on their own 40 minutes away until 10 months ago. Dad could drive a little to their local doctors and such, but seeing any of their specialists in Nola meant I had to miss work to take them. Then the manipulation and guilt trip stunts started with my dad anytime I wouldn’t drive right over when he thought he needed something.
Moved them into an assisted living place last May and that really was about a year too late.
It only took three months for things to start going sideways for them with more health issues and falls, etc. neither one will walk or do the exercises. Mom watched Fox News 10 hours a day and my dad didn’t do shite except eat and sleep.
Had to get them into a nursing home in October. They didn’t have much money so it wasn’t a great place. Dealing with the nursing home, handling their finances, shopping occasionally for them, and worrying about a bad case of some kind of temporary dementia my dad had just wore my arse out.
The last time I took my dad out we went to a Walgreens and he shite himself and it ran down onto the floor: then as he was walking out the door he stopped and shite some more and it ran down into his shoe. I cleaned the floor at the place and cleaned his shoe the best I could and got his smelly arse into my car. I had to clean him up a few times before that at the nursing home when he shite himself while I was visiting.
Mom would routinely get her medicines all screwed up in the year before the move to the nursing home so I finally started filling a weekly pill box for her. Even after that she would sometimes be stubborn and try to screw around with the meds.
I’m going to make sure my kids will not have to be burdened by me when I get old.
Posted on 3/28/26 at 5:19 am to tigerskin
My dad lived with my brother and SIL and she was his primary caregiver. Once his dementia progressed, he had hospice come in 2 or 3 times a week for help with showers and stuff.
At the very end, SIL gave my dad his med cocktail every 8 hours. She even got up in the middle of the night for his doses.
His last request was to die at home. We honored that request. SIL and bro are now divorced, but I will always be so grateful for how she took care of our dad.
At the very end, SIL gave my dad his med cocktail every 8 hours. She even got up in the middle of the night for his doses.
His last request was to die at home. We honored that request. SIL and bro are now divorced, but I will always be so grateful for how she took care of our dad.
Posted on 3/28/26 at 6:52 am to tigerskin
My sister and I took turns staying with my mom in her home for 3 years. She had macular degeneration and mild dementia with Parkinson's symptoms. Lucky for us she was always a pleasant person to be around. I enjoyed spending time with her but at the time I really resented the lack of freedom and the hands-on nursing care. Kudos to all the nurses out there because I could not do that job full time. Mom was incontinent and it was a chore getting her to agree to being bathed. I would have rathered take care of the bills, yardwork etc and let my sister handle all the bathing but Mom said my sister was "too bossy." 
Mom's been gone a year and a half now. My sister and I were both with her when she peacefully took her last breath. As much as I struggled with the caregiving, looking back I wouldn't change anything (except maybe get some counseling for myself.) Mom got to stay in her own home and we got to spend precious time with her.
My advice to anyone in similar circumstances would be don't be afraid to ask for help. If I didn't have my sister to help I'd have gone crazy. But friends can sit for an afternoon or make a meal. We had hospice towards the end and they were a godsend.
Mom's been gone a year and a half now. My sister and I were both with her when she peacefully took her last breath. As much as I struggled with the caregiving, looking back I wouldn't change anything (except maybe get some counseling for myself.) Mom got to stay in her own home and we got to spend precious time with her.
My advice to anyone in similar circumstances would be don't be afraid to ask for help. If I didn't have my sister to help I'd have gone crazy. But friends can sit for an afternoon or make a meal. We had hospice towards the end and they were a godsend.
Posted on 3/28/26 at 8:32 am to deltadummy
quote:
"Quit putting this on us".
Maybe you misunderstood my question. What would be the legal charge the cops could make against you?
quote:
Not being a dick, or not trying to be one, but humans (Westerners in particular) have to start having more honest conversations, all around, about death. Simple as it gets.
You are probably right, but elder care isn't a conversation about death. It’s a conversation for the living. Whether it’s an aging parent or a spouse, families are often blindsided by the 'what ifs' of long-term care. Without a plan for the facility or the home care, the financial and emotional drain can be devastating.
Posted on 3/28/26 at 8:32 am to tigerskin
#1 - get power of attorney document signed
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