re: When was the last time you crapped your pants ? Mine was about 30 minutes ago.

About four months ago, in Bangkok, my first full day in Thailand. I ate lunch at a restaurant and then walked out down Sukhumvit, which is a main thoroughfare . There are people walking all around me, a complete traffic jam.

I have no pain, no discomfort, no inkling of anything to come other than a very minor urge to fart. I indulge this urge but instead of a fart, it’s like a water balloon popped. Just like pure water. I look down and to my horror... you guessed it.

I pretended to look at my phone and stood against a wall and just waited to see what would happen. After five minutes I ducked into a little open air restaurant and sat at a table and ordered a coke. And I stayed there until it cleared out enough that I could go to the bathroom and assess the damage. Not too bad. I cleaned up and threw my underwear in a bag and waited for my pants to dry and then bolted to my hotel.

They call it Bangkok Belly. I went back to that restaurant 3/4 times because they were so kind to me. I’m not sure if they figured it out.

Yeah, you cats laughing, wait until you hit 40. You'll trust a fart about as far as you could throw it

Even less if you have your gall bladder removed.

Hey baw, never ever trust a fart.

Coughing fits and medication aren't a great mix. I've done the waddle of Shame too many times

Flew out to Midland for a Saturday deposition a few years ago. 9:00 a.m. start - no plaintiff's lawyer. Phone rings, plaintiff's lawyer wants to speak to me.

"I can't make it, I've had an accident"

"Were you hurt?"

"It wasn't that type of accident. I went to the bathroom in my pants."

"Number one or two?" (remember, everyone in the room is hearing what I say but not what the other lawyer is saying)

"Number two"

He had stopped at McDonald's, all the stall were full, so he blasted it out in his pants."

Me "I would have used the urinal or sink"

quote:

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I went to the bathroom in my pants."

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sounds like a shitty lawyer

A month later, my co-counsel in the Midland "shite in pants" case and I are mediating a different case in Dallas at a high brow mediator's office in the Turtle Creek area in Dallas. An unrepresented person (who had to attend as he was a statutory beneficiary) not only goes in his pants, but has explosive spray diarrhea in the restroom. Both stalls decimated, and shite water was all over the sink where he was rinsing his pants.

When I was sent to find him (and saw the anal apocalypse) he was writing a note on one of the toilets (with a paper towel) "Out of Order, Do not use." I said "no one will use this bathroom for months. He asked me to see if I could get him a sack.

Everyone in the mediation room looked at me like I was some kind of nut when I came in and asked for a sack.

Mr. Spray Diarrhea was in my mom's second grade class in the very small town Texas school where I attended high school.

One day, a huge storm was approaching. The kid looked out the window, and yelled "God damn, look at that mother fricking storm."

Have not in my adult life but came so close a few years ago.

Left the gym one morning got about 1/2 mile down the road and it hit me, cold sweats and all. I thought to myself that Whole Foods is about a mile away, I'll go there.

I get to the red light and I'm standing on my brake with both feet trying to hold it in and it hits me, "whole foods isn't open yet, frick!" Option 2 was Panera Bread so I pull in there on two wheels and turtle walk my arse right past the counter with a little wave.

Unleashed a fury in that bathroom.