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re: What's your favorite Mitch Hedberg joke?
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:41 pm to CocomoLSU
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:41 pm to CocomoLSU
quote:
Two of my favorites (the "I don't have a gf" and "Dufresne, party of 2" ones) have been mentioned already.
same here...but here's one that hasn't been posted yet
quote:
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.”
1
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:41 pm to WG_Dawg
This post was edited on 3/27/24 at 1:44 pm
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:44 pm to tigeralum06
quote:
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.”
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:45 pm to GoCrazyAuburn
Club sandwich
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:47 pm to concrete_tiger
What do Mitch Hedberg and Curt Cobain have in common: They both DEAD.....
Oh wait, you mean joke that HE told....nevermind....
Oh wait, you mean joke that HE told....nevermind....
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:48 pm to Damone
quote:
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."
For some reason I always thought that was Rodney Dangerfield. I've even told that doing a Rodney Dangerfield impression. I'm kind of mad at myself now for not knowing that/hearing hedberg tell it.
Already mentioned but I do love...
"I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers!” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn’t know what the hell they were."
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:49 pm to concrete_tiger
1: my sister wanted to be an actress, but now she lives in a trailer, so it’s like she’s always waiting to be called to set.
2: I have on some New Balance shoes, but they’re real old, so watch out.
2: I have on some New Balance shoes, but they’re real old, so watch out.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:50 pm to WG_Dawg
quote:
I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, hey man, you gotta wait
First one that always comes to mind
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:50 pm to iwyLSUiwy
Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute
And
Traveling to the top 2 corners of the map
And
Traveling to the top 2 corners of the map
This post was edited on 3/27/24 at 1:52 pm
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:51 pm to concrete_tiger
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:53 pm to MikeyWM97
quote:
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.”
I use a version of this in real life occasionally. Love it.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:55 pm to concrete_tiger
I got an ant farm when I was a kid. Man, them dudes can’t grow shite!
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:55 pm to concrete_tiger
"I haven't slept for 10 days...because that would be too long"
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:57 pm to Salmon
They should call all other corn “corn off the cob”
It’s like if I lost my arm and you called it Mitch
It’s like if I lost my arm and you called it Mitch
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:58 pm to MightyYat
This is the one. My all time favorite.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 1:59 pm to concrete_tiger
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger."
Every picture is of you when you were younger.
"Here's a picture of me when I'm older."
"You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... What's it look like? "
Every picture is of you when you were younger.
"Here's a picture of me when I'm older."
"You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... What's it look like? "
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:08 pm to concrete_tiger
The bit about the duck and the bread from Subway is pretty good.
Then it would on to mention about friends that a duck might have. “It might have a beaver in tow.”
Then the beaver’s house isn’t “lake-on, it’s lake-in.”
quote:
Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.
Then it would on to mention about friends that a duck might have. “It might have a beaver in tow.”
Then the beaver’s house isn’t “lake-on, it’s lake-in.”
This post was edited on 3/27/24 at 2:09 pm
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:09 pm to concrete_tiger
This jacket is dry clean only... which means it's dirty.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion. frick. Seven. Not even close."
I don't think anyone else could pull off most of his jokes, his delivery did most of the work.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion. frick. Seven. Not even close."
I don't think anyone else could pull off most of his jokes, his delivery did most of the work.
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:09 pm to pussywillows
quote:
”Dufresne, party of 2" ones
Posted on 3/27/24 at 2:13 pm to GoCrazyAuburn
The escalator joke was always my favorite. I use “sorry for the convenience” all the time at work when I fix shite before anyone else does and people say…well I was going to do that! Sorry for the convenience!
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