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re: What do you do when grounding doesn't work?
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:44 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:44 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
0
Posted on 10/9/23 at 10:49 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Military school. Also girl can find a new date. By allowing him to go you are allowing the behavior
Posted on 10/9/23 at 11:29 pm to JYD
You think a teenager who gets good grades and is generally well liked by everyone needs to go to some teen reform school b/c he drank while his parents were away?
He does apparently need to learn to get away with things, but maybe it's good he's not good at being sneaky.
This all seems blown out of proportion. I agree he should be punished since he was caught, but shipping him off to reform school seems extreme
Mom needs to answer some questions. Is the kid generally polite and respectful when he's not unsupervised? When you say very well liked, do you mean by adults as well? Is he an "A" student and generally concerned about his future?
If the answer is yes to all of these, you have a teenager being a dumb teenager. I agree, punishment is in order. But have a serious talk with him, both you and your husband, about his actions and consequences etc. Ask him why he's doing these things. Have a conversation with him, don't just yell at him. Communicate.
He does apparently need to learn to get away with things, but maybe it's good he's not good at being sneaky.
This all seems blown out of proportion. I agree he should be punished since he was caught, but shipping him off to reform school seems extreme
Mom needs to answer some questions. Is the kid generally polite and respectful when he's not unsupervised? When you say very well liked, do you mean by adults as well? Is he an "A" student and generally concerned about his future?
If the answer is yes to all of these, you have a teenager being a dumb teenager. I agree, punishment is in order. But have a serious talk with him, both you and your husband, about his actions and consequences etc. Ask him why he's doing these things. Have a conversation with him, don't just yell at him. Communicate.
This post was edited on 10/9/23 at 11:47 pm
Posted on 10/10/23 at 6:22 am to Bullfrog
Agree on the effectiveness of taking the door. I always made my son take it off the hinges himself and put it in the garage. That and taking his phone always worked wonders for our son.
Posted on 10/10/23 at 7:31 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Sounds like my youngest son.
We grounded him, whipped his arse, yelled, screamed, coached, nurtured, so on and on.
Sent him to military school and that didn’t end well, but his grades were good and he’s now in college.
Just got him home from a stay at rehab in the northeast over the summer. I presume he’ll get his shite together at some point …I hope.
Sometimes there’s simply nothing you can do to point a kid in the right direction. His older brother is the model child - same household, same parents, etc.
We are literally at the precipice of financial ruin trying to save our son from himself. The amount of money we have thrown at the situation is staggering and mind numbing.
Your focus should be to keep him between the ditches - whatever it takes - until he’s 18, then let him land in his face. He will have to figure it out on his own at that point and learn how good he had it. That’s when he will turn the corner.
We grounded him, whipped his arse, yelled, screamed, coached, nurtured, so on and on.
Sent him to military school and that didn’t end well, but his grades were good and he’s now in college.
Just got him home from a stay at rehab in the northeast over the summer. I presume he’ll get his shite together at some point …I hope.
Sometimes there’s simply nothing you can do to point a kid in the right direction. His older brother is the model child - same household, same parents, etc.
We are literally at the precipice of financial ruin trying to save our son from himself. The amount of money we have thrown at the situation is staggering and mind numbing.
Your focus should be to keep him between the ditches - whatever it takes - until he’s 18, then let him land in his face. He will have to figure it out on his own at that point and learn how good he had it. That’s when he will turn the corner.
Posted on 10/10/23 at 8:26 am to SirSaintly
quote:
He does apparently need to learn to get away with things, but maybe it's good he's not good at being sneaky. This all seems blown out of proportion. I agree he should be punished since he was caught, but shipping him off to reform school seems extreme
Put me on team Sir Saintly. Does he deserve some repercussions? Yes. Does any of this sound like an instant ticket to military school? Absolutely not.
I can't figure out these responses. None of this sounds like anything too wild for a teenage boy (or girl for that matter). This thread is filled with a bunch of people who never did anything fun AND/OR parents who are completely snowed over by their kids. The same "I see everything on my teen's phone" crowd. No, no you don't.
Sorry folks, but rules were meant to be broken. All this is showing is a basically good teen who isn't afraid to test some boundaries. It's actually a good personality trait. If everyone just followed the rules, the world would be full of hall monitors. Some of the most successful friends of mine were the most "spirited" teenagers.
And y'all are forgetting the party was with the boy and his 21 year old brother, who I'm guessing bought the alcohol. Plus, are we talking a rager with a trashed house or a kick back with a case of Twisted Tea. HUGE difference here.
Posted on 10/10/23 at 8:37 am to HouseMom
quote:Yeah, that seems like a pretty big leap.
Put me on team Sir Saintly. Does he deserve some repercussions? Yes. Does any of this sound like an instant ticket to military school? Absolutely not.
Look, all teens do really, really dumb things. Every one of them is different. Some get caught, some do not.
The son of the OP is quite bold, that is for sure.
But, bold people rule the world. So just figure out a way to corral all that misdirected energy.
quote:Yeah, I havent read to whole thread, but one persons house vandalism is anothers broken vase.
And y'all are forgetting the party was with the boy and his 21 year old brother, who I'm guessing bought the alcohol. Plus, are we talking a rager with a trashed house or a kick back with a case of Twisted Tea. HUGE difference here.
Now, as the parent of a pretty headstrong 14 year old, I would lose my mind if he hosted a party and drank my booze. But, I wouldnt be shipping him off. I cant imagine a situation that I would. I dont even know where a military school is.
Posted on 10/10/23 at 8:55 am to ugastreaker
(no message)
This post was edited on 3/14/24 at 9:44 am
Posted on 10/10/23 at 9:14 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
What do you do when grounding doesn't work?
My parents shaved my head, which would probably be considered child abuse in our pansy arse world today, and this was only about 15 years ago. But guess what, it worked.
Posted on 10/10/23 at 9:18 am to BhamBlazeDog
buy a pair of dirt bikes and take him to the spillway. Teach him to repair and take care of his stuff. spend time with him.
Posted on 10/10/23 at 10:41 am to HouseMom
quote:
I can't figure out these responses. None of this sounds like anything too wild for a teenage boy (or girl for that matter). This thread is filled with a bunch of people who never did anything fun AND/OR parents who are completely snowed over by their kids. The same "I see everything on my teen's phone" crowd. No, no you don't.
Sorry folks, but rules were meant to be broken. All this is showing is a basically good teen who isn't afraid to test some boundaries. It's actually a good personality trait. If everyone just followed the rules, the world would be full of hall monitors. Some of the most successful friends of mine were the most "spirited" teenagers.
And y'all are forgetting the party was with the boy and his 21 year old brother, who I'm guessing bought the alcohol. Plus, are we talking a rager with a trashed house or a kick back with a case of Twisted Tea. HUGE difference here.
I agree with you completely! I wonder how many of the posters have kids over the age of 5. Those saying that teens aren't complex are just crazy. What works for one doesn't work for another. You do have to figure out the why, if it's a pattern, or just being a dumb teen.
That's doesn't mean no punishment, but military school and some of these other things will make a decent, dumb teen feel like you think they are a thug! They do need to know you believe in them. Pushing boundaries is a very normal part of growing up.
Posted on 10/10/23 at 1:14 pm to HouseMom
quote:This is a permissive, enabling parent.
I can't figure out these responses. None of this sounds like anything too wild for a teenage boy (or girl for that matter).
It might seem like no big deal to you, but he's opening his parents to a shite ton of liability by hosting underage drinking at his house and taking a car on a joyride.
I'm not on board with military school, but am onboard with no dance, no electronics, little to no privacy for weeks.
This post was edited on 10/10/23 at 1:17 pm
Posted on 10/24/23 at 11:39 am to Jake88
BUMP. What did OP decide to do?
Posted on 10/24/23 at 11:40 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
but I don't want to punish the poor girl who has the dress, has the shoes, and is looking forward to the dance.
Sounds like you’re doing her parents a favor.
Posted on 10/24/23 at 11:43 am to Oates Mustache
quote:Probably gave him a stern warning and let him go to Homecoming.
BUMP. What did OP decide to do?
Posted on 10/24/23 at 11:44 am to Geauxld Finger
quote:
Make him work.
Posted on 10/24/23 at 11:50 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
I was sent to Military School, saved my life. Parent, one passed away, tried everything. Just know it is not easy on anyone involved. Kids or adults.
Posted on 10/24/23 at 11:59 am to Gris Gris
How am just seeing this thread?
I think it's more about respect. He doesn't respect you or your husband. Does the husband have hobbies that he includes the boy in? I think time spent with a strong dad does wonders for raising good sons.
quote:
He needs a big lesson in trust and earning it once it's lost. He's lost your trust.
I think it's more about respect. He doesn't respect you or your husband. Does the husband have hobbies that he includes the boy in? I think time spent with a strong dad does wonders for raising good sons.
This post was edited on 10/24/23 at 12:07 pm
Posted on 10/24/23 at 12:11 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
The problem is that “grounding” is punishment which does not work on kids who do not feel stress from authority’s disapproval.
There are two types of people:
1. Those who crave harmony in relationships and are distressed when their boss or parents are upset with them. These kids are easy to raise and these employees are easy to manage.
2. People who don’t care what you think of them. They are going to look out for #1.
Based on:
A. Stealing your car while underage.
B. Consuming alcohol while underage.
C. Inviting drunk teens in your home while you are away.
D. Destroying his brothers paint job on his car.
E. Causing damage to other homes with eggs…….
He is, at a minimum, a selfish and defiant child. (Worst case, a budding sociopath, although this is unlikely).
Grounding does not work on people who are #2. It’s why our prison system in America does not rehabilitate. It’s just a giant time out.
He should have (before you left town) lost all access to all the privileges that you pay for including phone, car, extracurricular sports or activities, vacations, etc. UNTIL he has worked and saved and restored all of the damage he has done. Including repainting vehicles or houses. There is no time limit on this and no exceptions like “it’s his prom” or “it’s his senior trip”. Once he has restored all of them, he can have privileges back one by one.
In the meantime, he should never be left alone, never have unfiltered computer access or private time other than a shower and taking a dump.
Most importantly, none of this is done in anger. It’s very matter of fact and you remind him of how much you are sorry you let him get this far away from good character and that you are committed to his improving himself. You are not angry and he is not punished - it’s just a logical outcome to his choices and you are starting back at ground zero.
There are two types of people:
1. Those who crave harmony in relationships and are distressed when their boss or parents are upset with them. These kids are easy to raise and these employees are easy to manage.
2. People who don’t care what you think of them. They are going to look out for #1.
Based on:
A. Stealing your car while underage.
B. Consuming alcohol while underage.
C. Inviting drunk teens in your home while you are away.
D. Destroying his brothers paint job on his car.
E. Causing damage to other homes with eggs…….
He is, at a minimum, a selfish and defiant child. (Worst case, a budding sociopath, although this is unlikely).
Grounding does not work on people who are #2. It’s why our prison system in America does not rehabilitate. It’s just a giant time out.
He should have (before you left town) lost all access to all the privileges that you pay for including phone, car, extracurricular sports or activities, vacations, etc. UNTIL he has worked and saved and restored all of the damage he has done. Including repainting vehicles or houses. There is no time limit on this and no exceptions like “it’s his prom” or “it’s his senior trip”. Once he has restored all of them, he can have privileges back one by one.
In the meantime, he should never be left alone, never have unfiltered computer access or private time other than a shower and taking a dump.
Most importantly, none of this is done in anger. It’s very matter of fact and you remind him of how much you are sorry you let him get this far away from good character and that you are committed to his improving himself. You are not angry and he is not punished - it’s just a logical outcome to his choices and you are starting back at ground zero.
Posted on 10/24/23 at 12:14 pm to LaLadyinTx
quote:
I can't figure out these responses. None of this sounds like anything too wild for a teenage boy (or girl for that matter). This thread is filled with a bunch of people who never did anything fun AND/OR parents who are completely snowed over by their kids. The same "I see everything on my teen's phone" crowd. No, no you don't.
Sorry folks, but rules were meant to be broken. All this is showing is a basically good teen who isn't afraid to test some boundaries. It's actually a good personality trait. If everyone just followed the rules, the world would be full of hall monitors. Some of the most successful friends of mine were the most "spirited" teenagers.
And y'all are forgetting the party was with the boy and his 21 year old brother, who I'm guessing bought the alcohol. Plus, are we talking a rager with a trashed house or a kick back with a case of Twisted Tea. HUGE difference here.
News flash, rule breakers only get the benefit of breaking rules because most people abide by them. It wouldn't work if everybody constantly broke the rules.
Not saying this kid needs to get the nuclear option, but there has to be limits and boundaries and proper recompense for misdeeds. He's not paying any bills to justify doing whatever he wants or he needs to start paying bills if that's what he'd like to do.
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