What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

quote:

---

Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:


Ear

DEFLATED BALLOON
BEETLE
“PLACED TOILET PAPER IN EAR SO WOULDNT HAVE TO HEAR NEIGHBORS”
CHESS PIECE
PLASTIC DRINKING STRAW
PAPER NAPKINS
HAIRPIN
HAIR BAND
GASOLINE
“CRAYON STUCK IN EAR FOR 2 WEEKS”
END OF SHOELACE
FAKE DIAMOND
PAPER & AN ERASER
BALL FROM EYEBROW RING
DOG’S PAW


Nose

PEBBLE FROM THE FISH TANK
“STUCK A RAISIN UP HIS RIGHT NOSTRIL, BROTHER TRIED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS BUT PATIENT MOVED”
STOVE PELLET
“WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
PLASTIC SNAKE
MAGNETS UP EACH NOSTRIL
PLASTIC HEARTS IN EACH NOSTRIL
BABY WIPE
MINI HOCKEY STICKS
EGG DYE TABLET


Throat

RULER
BRANCH
STALE CAKE
“ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A PILL BOTTLE WHEN TAKING HIS MEDICATION”
ASTHMA INHALER
“WAS OPENING A BOTTLE OF SODA W/ HIS TEETH & BOTTLE CAP FLEW DOWN HIS THROAT”
HOOP EARRING
PLASTIC HONEY FILLED STRAW
“PLAYING WITH A BLOW DART GUN, BLEW THE PIN OUT, IT HIT THE WALLFLEW BACK INTO PATIENTS THROAT AND HE SWALLOWED IT”
CANADIAN QUARTER
“INHALED A WASP WHILE JOGGING NOW THROAT SWELLING”
PAINT-STIRRING STICK & PAINT
“HELD DOWN IN ART CLASS, CLASSMATE SHOVED SEQUINS DOWN THROAT”
DOG SHAMPOO
GLOW STICKS
“EATING CLUB SANDWICH AND PART OF TOOTHPICK BROKE OFF, HE SWALLOWED IT, SCRATCH IN THROAT, ABLE TO FINISH SANDWICH”


Penis

“CARVED DOWN PIECE OF DOMINO INCISED PENIS INSERTED DOMINO PIECE INTO PENIS NOW WANTS IT REMOVED”
SANDAL BUCKLE
BB
DOLL SHOE
“HAD PEBBLE STUCK IN PENIS WHILE SWIMMING IN A LAKE 3 WEEKS AGO”
PEN CAP
PEN
3 INCH STRAIGHT PIN
“MARBLE IN PENIS, CUT PENIS TRYING TO GET IT OUT”

Vagina

3 PAPER TOWELS
3 GOLF-BALL SIZE BOUNCY BALLS
6 SCREWS
PILL BOTTLE
USB ADAPTER
“SAT ON THE TOP OF A DOLL HOUSE AND THERE WAS A SPIKED ROOF”
KNOTTED ROPE
“WENT SWIMMING, WENT TO REMOVE TAMPON CANT LOCATE IT”
POINTY TOY PIG
“BOYFRIEND STUCK BOTTLE IN VAGINA. THE CAP CAME OFF AND GOT STUCK”
HALF A BAR OF SOAP
SHARPENED PENCIL
“PUT A BOUNCY BALL IN HER VAGINA, IT’S STUCK, WAS MASTURBATING”
“PLACED A BOBBY PIN IN VAGINA -STATES SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHY”
DOLL
SMALL PAINTING KIT
“PART OF A SILICONE DILDO BROKEN OFF”
CIGARETTES AND LIGHTER
SHOE HEEL
PIECES OF PLASTIC CUP, BROKEN CRAYON, PIECE OF PLASTIC, & STRAW
“POSSIBLE RETAINED VAGINAL FOREIGN BODY, USING VIBRATOR WHILE INTOXICATED”



Rectum

“USING A VIBRATOR LAST NIGHT, THOUGHT WAS INSERTING IN VAGINA, INTERRUPTED BY MOM & SAT UP QUICKLY, INSERTED IN RECTUM, CAN’T REMOVE”
WINE CORK WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS, ELECTRICAL TAPE & A CONDOM
10 BROKEN CRAYONS
FLASHLIGHT
“PER WIFE PATIENT SAT DOWN ON A SCREWDRIVER AND IT WENT UP HIS RECTUM”
2 DILDOS
“PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM TO MAKE BOWEL MOVEMENT TO GET GAUZE PATIENT SWALLOWED TO COME OUT”
PLASTIC MELATONIN BOTTLE
POSSIBLE SHOT GLASS
“RECTAL FISSURE MASTURBATING FOR HER BOYFRIEND USING A HAIRBRUSH IN HER RECTUM YESTERDAY”
NAIL CUTICLE TOOL
EGG TIMER
CURTAIN ROD
“ICE PICK IN RECTUM TO PUSH HEMORRHOIDS BACK IN”
HANDLE OF A TOILET BOWL BRUSH
HAMMER
NUT AND BOLT
“SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”
BINGO DAUBER
BINGO CHIP
DECORATIVE PUMPKIN
BOWLING PIN
“SHOESHINE CONTAINER ALLEGEDLY INTOXICATED DID NOT KNOW GF INSERTED OBJECT”
TUB DRAIN CAP
WIFE’S SIX INCH VIBRATOR
BROOM HANDLE
BASEBALL
SALT SHAKER
“MALE USING PLASTIC SEX TOY(VIBRATOR) THAT BROKE OFF IN RECTUM BUT LEFT WITHOUT TREATMENT”

---