re: Thread for OTers with aging parents

My wife and I both have parents in their 70s and each one of us has one dying from cancer. It's rough seeing them go through that, particularly for my wife because her parents are 6 hrs away.

My husband's parents are 93. My MIL (mother-in-law)has signs of cognitive decline that are getting very bad. Recently she argued with my husband for twenty minutes. She believed his cousin, who is 52 is 21. My FIL (father-in-law) has COPD, and an oxygen tank. He was recently asked by his Mom to come over and bathe his Dad.

The real problem is that his siblings, ( 3 older sisters, 2 at retirement age) refuse to admit that their parents have any issues whatsoever. They still think they are vibrant, and okay to live alone in their home. Of course, the sisters all live in another state and have no intention of helping at all, other than "a check". They recently told my husband to find a CNA to sit with them for $8.00 an hour and they'd help to pay for their care. What year do they think it is?

Our medical system does not care if the elderly are a drain on their families or society. They just see the dollar signs when they suggest a 50 thousand dollar heart surgery to an elderly person who may not be astute enough to know they are a cash cow.

At this point, we are stuck here. My husband lost a very well-paying job years ago, and we've had struggles financially for years. I just recently found a job that pays more than his, so we are recovering. However, it does not lessen the sting when his sisters post photos on social media of their recent trip to Jamaica. We are lucky if we get to evacuate for a hurricane because his parents refuse to leave when they occur.

I am sure we are not alone. Something needs to be done. At this point, I am considering moving and leaving him to care for them. His inability to stand up to his sisters is ruining our lives, and our marriage- because he's married to his parents. I hope this does not seem unkind or insensitive, it's just factual. He spends all of his time helping them. If his sisters would wise up, perhaps we could sell their home and get them care before his Mom burns the house down cooking for them.

Hang in there and best to your Mom.

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She calls me daily bitching at me, telling me to come get her, she wants to go home, blah blah. I send her to voice-mail. I Don't feel sorry for her mean arse one bit.

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Sounds like Tony Soprano's mom

My father is approaching 80. His personality has noticeably changed and the last time I saw him he was imagining flies. My mother is the same age, but she's still totally fine - she might outlive me.

My dad got bit by the bad mosquito in 2004 after retiring from the state & LANG and has been fighting everything onset by west nile since then - M.S., transverse myelitis, etc. 18 years of fighting and he's now to the point that walking just isn't happening anymore. Watching how he has fought that for so long is why I have zero room to complain about going through the cancer treatments i've gone through. This is a minor bobo compared to how he has just been plagued with pain and neurological problems.
My mom is the real MVP through it all - she has taken care of that man since day 1. Stubborn old country girl won't take no for an answer from him.

funny, my wife just started dealing with the first pronounced signs of her mother's aging. I've been dealing with it for a while with my own mother. The forgetfulness, the short(er) temper, the remembering of how things didn't happen or never happened. All you can do is laugh and be patient. As long as they don't hurt themselves or harm anyone else, it doesn't really matter. I get the same questions and same stories every time we talk. But there will come a day when we wont be able to talk. Just as it happened with my father. So I'll take the nonsensical ramblings and redundant questions while I can.

I'm really struggling with acceptance of the new reality. I keep thinking she'll bounce back like before. My dad has been noticing some changes for a few years but they were always minor enough I could ignore them or put it down to something else. I still hope when I go over there today she'll be a lot better, or even a little better. I talked to my dad just now and he said things are "so-so" today so I guess that's not going to happen.

I feel for everyone caring for their parents and the parents going through these issues. It's awful from both standpoints.

My Mom is in her late 80's. A year and a half ago, she was on a walker, but still driving herself, still doing some cooking and able to use her ipad pretty well. She had some mild short term memory issues like mistaking the phone for the remote or repeating herself. One morning, she went to get up from the bed and fell to the floor. She could not stand up at all. Long story short, she had a UTI and we learned those can be devastating in older people. We had no idea a UTI could cause those kinds of problems. They can also make the person delirious which happened another time.

She is pretty much wheelchair bound. She can use the walker with the sitter or home health folks walking right by her in the house some during the day, but she no longer drives, cooks and has trouble on the ipad. She has 24/7 sitters now because she cannot stay alone. She was not able to come back from the UTI completely, though over time she has made a good bit of progress. It changed her life in big ways.

Keep an eye out for those UTIs when you see some change in your parents. It is worth getting them tested. We have Mom drinking lots of water and cranberry juice every day and, so far, that has warded them off.

My father passed 3 years ago in December at 91, mom will be 94 in November. Mom is at home, fortunately my older sister is at her house 24/7. We’ve tried the assisted living route but she won’t leave her home. She has a rebuilt hip, scoliosis, but her mind is sharp. My dad was taken home to die, I wouldn’t ever do this again, it was terrible. Just think it through if this is in your plans. Godspeed