re: Thread for OTers with aging parents

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My Mom is in her late 80's. A year and a half ago, she was on a walker, but still driving herself, still doing some cooking and able to use her ipad pretty well. She had some mild short term memory issues like mistaking the phone for the remote or repeating herself. One morning, she went to get up from the bed and fell to the floor. She could not stand up at all. Long story short, she had a UTI and we learned those can be devastating in older people. We had no idea a UTI could cause those kinds of problems. They can also make the person delirious which happened another time.

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We have been through this a couple times, three times or so, in the last four years. It kind of goes along with the dehydration. When it's bad, it presents just like a stroke, and with the speech irregularities that go with it.

My mother is very aware something is wrong. She talks about her thoughts being scrambled, not being able to find the right words, and not being able to tell the difference between something that really happened, something she dreamed, or something she saw on TV. Her handwriting has gotten worse and that bothers her a lot.

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ladygoodman

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He struggles with hallucinations as well as the physical effects, and they are simply terrible.

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This sounds like Parkinsons with Lewy Body. Hallucinations especially about bad things happening to children or animals is a classic sign. Being at home with this can be very challenging.

I went through this with my mom. She was in a retirement home, but they found her wandering at night barefoot in the rain.

That did it. I put her in memory care. Best thing I could have done because I never worried about her being safe again.

P.S. I suggest you read up on it. Trying to convince the parent that the hallucination didn't happen is not the way to deal with it. You say, dogs were running wild outside last night? I'll check in on it and let you know what I find out . . . then change the subject.

Yes--I was worried about Lewy Body involvement from the outset. His neuro, though, feels confident that his hallucinations are more a result of being maxed out on Sinemet and that Lewy Body is not a factor. When we back off Sinemet they improve, but he feels horrible and cannot function at all. Its a balancing act between bad and worse.

The "I will check those helicopters out and get back to you" method is the one I use with success most of the time. My mom is harder to convince to just let it ride and go along with him as much as possible.

When he insists he is not at home that method doesnt fly, unfortunately. I have taken him driving around the neighborhood and said "Yep, headed home..." and shown him the house number, etc. to no avail.

I even thought maybe he was thinking of a childhood home or some other "home", but he gets affronted and says "NO, Im talking about the house on xxx Street!" which is where he is literally sitting. It surely is challenging to say the least. Part of the issue is that he has always been very intelligent and quick...his mind is not going down easy.

So sorry you went through this with your mom...it sucks.

Most people I know are moving their parents closer to where they live since we all moved away from our birthplaces.

None of it is easy, but the sooner you get in front of everything, the better.

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You sound selfish that you don't want to ruin the prime of your life.

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You sound like someone who hasn't seen how it can affect a person having to care for a parent while also trying to have a career and raise children.

I doubt any parent would want their children to have to do that.

Tell you what, you go ahead and spend your 30s and 40s shuttling your 60-something mother around to doc appointments, stores, and everywhere else because she's not allowed to drive. Handle all her finances but allow her to keep a credit card so that she has at least a slight sense of freedom, and then spend your time handling returns because she buys 4 of the same shite and handling fraudulent activity because you know. Beg (but not ban, because freedom) her not to hitch a ride to the grocery store with her friend multiple times per week because although she makes a list she inevitably lists all the shite she already has and none of the shite she needs, and periodically help her throw out thousands of dollars worth of spoiled food, and deal with her frustration that she doesn't have any potatoes to make a stew as you are throwing out 11 bottles of expired hershey's syrup and organizing the remaining 9 unexpired but unopened and never to be used bottles of hershey's syrup which will be thrown out the next time you have to organize the pantry. Then organize all the worthless things that absolutely must not be thrown away like a coupon for a great deal on some hershey's syrup and in the process hope to find very expensive and sentimental things like the wedding ring and tennis bracelet and etc that she has lost. Then field a bunch of calls from friends and family trying to unravel what nonsense she was talking about this time, and try to piece together what she's done by going through call logs in hopes of undoing what she's done. And hope it was at least a legit business that will understand and not another scammer.

And after spending hours and hours every week away from your own school aged children handling her every need and whim, then deal with being the one that she gets mad at for everything because it was *you* who took her car keys and it was *you* who told her she shouldn't have a credit card and it was *you* who told her she shouldn't have a cell phone. And then deal with anger over things you didn't do but which her mind invented and is completely convinced that you are at fault for.


Do all that and then tell me it's selfish to think how lucky you would feel if it could have waited until you were older and your kids were out on their own.

Or just put her in a facility.

My dad is 82 and my mom 81. He has medium dementia that's sometimes not bad at all and other times he is fairly clueless. We just checked him into an inpatient rehab yesterday. He falls a lot. We have been lucky he hasn't been seriously injured. He has severe spinal stenosis and lots of back pain and can barely walk with a walker. They do not have a lot of money and live in truly BFE in Bienville Parish. My mom insists on taking care of him completely and it is running her ragged. She is struggling mentally because of it. She won't listen to me at all. I do not know what we will do if he can't go home. She won't really listen and he will constantly ask where she is. I live in Houston. I feel all the pain, uncertainty, etc. of every post in this thread. I'm praying he gets strong enough to return home and trying to figure out how to get her help in the middle of nowhere.

Thanks for derailing the thread, a-hole.

My father is 72 and my mother is 70. My father is so much pain just from the wear and tear he put on his body that he sleeps at least 16 hours a day from all the pain medication. My mother is still in good health, but I think the constant worrying about my father is taking a toll on her mentally. She a very worrisome and nervous person now and she never used to be that way. She has started to repeat herself a lot of the past 2-3 years, too. Every time I go home, I’m always just kind of shocked at how frail they seem now; I guess I just always still remember them as they were in their 50’s, when I moved away. It really sucks when you realize that your parents are in the twilight of their lives and all that time you thought you’d have is running out quicker with each day.

I'm in the car returning from a difficult situation with my parents. Dad 87 mom 86. Dad was main caregiver until may when he decided to have a knee replacement. 3 blood clots later and with slow healing, he is still not up to previous activities. Now she has beginnings of dementia. I live 700 miles away. Everyday for them is a struggle. They will not give us any control. It's horrible but I can't live with them. Modern medicine has enabled this with zero quality of life. Jesus help all of us.