The Mothers Who Regret Having Kids

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On paper, modern motherhood can seem like a raw deal. But for all the economic, emotional, and physical strife associated with bringing kids into the world, few mothers would ever admit to regretting their decision to do so.

"Saying you regret having your kids? It just seems so profoundly norm-violating," says Robin Simon, a Wake Forest University sociology professor who specializes in the mental health effects of parenting. "I don't think that very many parents do regret it, in part because the ideology is so powerful. They don't regret it. They're just like, Wow, I didn't know it would be this hard."

"R" is one of those mothers for whom the turmoil of parenting far outweighs the rewards. Afraid to tell anyone she knew about her parental remorse, she turned to the internet for answers and in July 2012 founded a Facebook group for parents who regret having children.

Four years and nearly 2,000 members later, she now knows she's not the only one who feels this way. "We get countless people who thank us for the page, because we are accepting, and we show the brutal reality of parenthood—that parenthood isn't just smiles and laughter,"

For many of the group's members, who submit their confessions via Facebook messages for Zephyr and R to repost anonymously

"The parents are very nervous about coming forward with their confessions, mainly because they don't want their families to look down on them, or their children finding out, and having issues arise," Zephyr told me. Their anxieties are not without merit: The Facebook group has been repeatedly attacked, spammed, and reported by "happy parents," as Zephyr calls them, or people who see the page as offensive, demeaning, and even abusive.



When studying parents in comparison to their childless counterparts, researchers have found that "parents, and mothers in particular, do not report greater happiness, greater health, greater psychological well-being than people who have never had kids," according to Simon, who is herself a mother and grandmother. She insists motherhood can be an incredibly pleasurable, fulfilling experience, but "it's just that those benefits are elusive," at least from a scientific perspective.

"The existence of regretting motherhood tends to be denied and therefore, allegedly, there is nothing to study about," she wrote. But her focus groups prove otherwise, and the research has opened up the possibility for deeper analysis among larger sample groups, and at the very least, more open conversations among mothers about having regret.

Anonymous forums like Reddit, Quora, and Whisper are riddled with threads from mothers attempting to reconcile their own regret. They might discover they're not alone in feeling it. Vice

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When my young, beautiful wife and I mention that we have no plans for children (ever), we are inevitably barraged by young parents who attempt to sell us on the never-ending joys of parenting. It's an odd cult-like mentality. It's almost as if they're trying to sell us Advocare or Rodan & Fields. They want you in the group, and they want you to start selling their product as well. We actually try to avoid the topic as much as possible because we know where it leads.

I think children are great. Beautiful little angels they are; gifts from God, I'd say. And I salute all the good parents out there because you and your well-behaved children are making the world a better place. But your cult-like mentality is bizarre. I just hope that we can be honest about parenthood. It can be very difficult, frustrating, disappointing, depressing, but also rewarding, enjoyable and fulfilling. There's nothing wrong with admitting how bad it can suck or that you have regrets. And no I'm not interested in hearing about your products. I thought we were hanging out and having drinks.