re: So..got in a fight with the wife tonight…

She needs to work so she isn’t just sitting around the house.

There comes a point in time that being a STAHM is no longer needed

maybe your feelings aren't so much about what she is doing, rather its her not recognizing what you have brought to the table. Perhaps this would allow you to be more open to helping her with her struggles.

keeping score in a relationship is a dangerous thing. Especially when you have brought it to a point of resentment, without any prior difficult conversations.

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Her sole focus is on lunch with her friends, girls weekend with her friends, yoga with her friends, etc.

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Bro, she’s banging somebody else or at least is about to.

There's some good advice in this thread, but I think there's been a missing component in everyone's response: you.

You structured your career so she could serve in the traditional role of homemaker.

You "soldiered on" as the reliable provider in the background of a story that turned its focus to ailing family members.

You drink to keep the peace while she guzzles to disappear.

You (I assume) maintain the order of the home with meal planning and child rearing and she frolics off for fun times with her friends.

Then, despite you writing all of this out and hedging with "I wrote this as therapy," hope that people here can provide the right insight to figure it all out.

There's a term I learned a long time ago that I think can apply here: the drunk captain. You have figuratively been in charge of the relationship, but the dynamics have actually placed your wife at the wheel. Without strong leadership from you, she has wildly flailed about and is trying to hide away before the ship crashes and sinks. Obviously you've only given us a snippet of your issues here, but if I had to guess, outside of bringing in an upper class income, she has had to navigate the emotional, logistical, and parental load of not only her home but the deaths of her parents. She's burned out, depressed, and needs therapy.

And here you come with: get a job because my provisions aren't enough to take care of the kids' futures.

When a woman has to steer while resenting the fact that she's steering, she'll either mutiny or hop aboard a better ship.

So I guess I would say that a lot of the thread has focused on her needing therapy and support, and I agree. But what might you identify in yourself that needs addressing? Where has your leadership faltered? How might you show up differently, not as the agreeable husband who wishes for harmony but as the man who can lead?

Because until you change, this dynamic won't.

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With that being said, I do not believe this is the end for y'all. There is a path to happiness. Menopause is likely a factor and needs to be addressed. But also as a husband and a man, you need to love her through it. Church is a great place to start. Small groups with people going through the same thing. The power of prayer, and a relationship with God will bring you closer. God is for us, never against us. Stay strong my friend.

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I’m not trying to be that guy. But why are we constantly babying and hand holding modern women? Old-School women would’ve just manned up and moved on with life and fulfilled their obligations. What happened?

You all need to get into couple’s therapy ASAP. You’ll hear some things from her you never dreamed were going through her mind.

From personal experience, she’s probably trying to diagnose why she’s unhappy and she could decide you are the reason. She might have already decided to stick around for the sake of the kids until they are both in college and then divorce you. Her friends and social media will support her.

The drinking has to stop. Put a lock on your credit with Equifax, etc. Take a look at the cellphone bill when she’s with her friends and look if she’s making calls to a particular number at that time. Try to get her involved with selecting the son’s college choice - go on campus visits together, etc.

My advice is biased because of personal experience so take it for what it’s worth. Wishing your family the best.

She needs to see a therapist and that will change her life. Seriously, sometime the only way to change is to talk it out with a third person. She misses her mom and dad and nothing will replace those feelings of loss. She will learn how to deal with her feelings and lack of motivation to be all she can be. She needs to get out of the rut.

I’ll have to say that the right combo of medication and therapy sessions will make a huge difference in how she moves forward. I went this route a while back and also dug into my faith in God as well. RIP MoM, Dad, MIL, and my lovely bride! Life is great!

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The drinking has to stop

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2-4 glasses of wine a night is the kiddie pool, it's way less than most of the OT pounds on nine holes. It's a symptom of her misery, trying to figure out when to get the divorce. I said it would happen sophomore year for the first one in college because that's when she'll rationalize that the youngest is really almost an adult anyway, etc.

Tell her that for the sake of your family finances, if she doesn't get a job, then yoga, wine, lunch with gf's goes out the window. She's living in a fantasy world and neglecting you and the kids. Forget that.
Tell her to man up, stop acting like a depressed teenager and take care of herself. She is a wife and mother. That is her job. If she can't do that, then she can do doordash, or go wait table.