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re: Need advice, adopted daughter, what to tell her?
Posted on 9/2/21 at 9:07 pm to secfballfan
Posted on 9/2/21 at 9:07 pm to secfballfan
quote:
beautiful daughter (no pics, but trust me)
quote:
Again, no pics…no one ever posts real ones anyway
Dammit, the rules are the rules. There is no exception for the adopted. I've posted mine. Most of the OT won't believe you anyway, but let's see her. If you don't have good pics, I can take some and make her look fabulous. One of my favorite young models was adopted out of an abusive childhood and struggled with serious low self-esteem for a few years, but is thriving now with a stable and loving adoptive parent.
0
Posted on 9/2/21 at 9:11 pm to SportTiger1
quote:
But as stated...there is an extremely good chance these days she'll find out via a website or app.
Just as likely when she has to fill out a family medical history.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 9:11 pm to secfballfan
I don't think that changes anything in my opinion. You're always mom and dad and she will always be your child. Honesty is the best policy and she may appreciate coming clean.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 9:31 pm to secfballfan
She will be crushed to learn it from anyone but you and your wife. Don’t let her find out some other way. With the popularity of DNA testing, the truth will come out at some point. Find a way to tell her.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 9:50 pm to secfballfan
Tell her. She deserves to know
Posted on 9/2/21 at 10:00 pm to secfballfan
Tell her the truth. Just saw it cause very hard feelings with family member who found out in their 50’s they were adopted.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 10:22 pm to Huey Lewis
quote:
Your truth and her truth needs to be that she's y'alls child.
That is before she does a 23 and me test and finds out the truth.
quote:
To quote the great philosopher George Costanza: It's not a lie if you believe it. What is gained by telling her any different?
But that is solid advice, just as Hillary and Susan Rice.
Posted on 9/2/21 at 10:27 pm to cenlaconvertedsouth
Same here, but was told early, like age 6, so was never ever an issue, just normal to me. Not sure if now vs maybe 21-26 year old age would be better. Lots of changes for teenagers going on, having y’all as the steady May be the best, for now.
If you feel the need to be transparent, write her a letter today, with today’s date, and save it until she is older and just say you were waiting for a better time. Might not come, but if she finds out otherwise, would be a way to maintain trust perhaps?
If you feel the need to be transparent, write her a letter today, with today’s date, and save it until she is older and just say you were waiting for a better time. Might not come, but if she finds out otherwise, would be a way to maintain trust perhaps?
Posted on 9/2/21 at 11:40 pm to secfballfan
quote:
she is taller and different body type than both us.
Just how big a gal is she?
Posted on 9/2/21 at 11:54 pm to secfballfan
I’ve always shot straight with my kid and explained why I may have omitted things. She has a curiosity and as a father it is your duty to quench that thirst. Be straight, be understanding of her reaction, and just explain your perspective.
When I explain my perspective, my kid, even if she’s pissed, “gets it”.
When I explain my perspective, my kid, even if she’s pissed, “gets it”.
Posted on 9/3/21 at 2:03 am to secfballfan
I have an adopted friend. She was told I think around 15. She turned out okay. She'll be fine just make sure she knows how to put a man in his place and shoot a gun.
Posted on 9/3/21 at 2:14 am to secfballfan
quote:
Need advice, adopted daughter, what to tell her?
For sake of everyone, I will be brief as I can, as all good OTers’ I strive to be.
Wife (no pics) and I (picture the love child of Aunt Bea and Barney Fife) adopted our beautiful daughter (no pics, but trust me) from Peru (wife’s family is from there) 16 years ago when she was baby.
Because she and wife are very similar in pigmentation and other reasons we never told her she was adopted.
She is pretty much your usual high school student (B+ average, Dance team, Cheerleader etc).
But she has begun asking question as other than Latin skin tone she is taller and different body type than both us.
Wife and I went to counselor and she said it was our call. Any of you have experience with this?
Don’t want to lose our baby’s trust but don’t want her to ever think we don’t love as much as our two children with each other (14/7, know her only as their big sister).
Her birth mom was a failed model who turned to “bad things” and died years ago, no clue who father is.
Again, no pics…no one ever posts real ones anyway
fire away, Ill sift through the good with the bad...
Man yall fricked up no doubt, but you can make this right. Your daughter is at the age where shes confused about all kinds of stuff and also at an age where you think most adults are lying to us. You need to set the tone from hear of being 100% honest with your kid or for your kid because you can come out of this time with her knowing she can trust you and rely on you and that yall do love her as much or more because shes adopted and never let her doubt that.
Posted on 9/3/21 at 4:39 am to secfballfan
quote:
no one ever posts real ones anyway
Not true
But, I am adopted on my Dad's side, and they didn't tell me, I found out on my own, and it was confirmed by my aunt.
My sister, who is actually my adopted cousin, wasn't told and found out after her birth mom (my aunt) passed away from cancer.
My cousin that I never knew, half brother to my sister (cousin) wasn't told and found out when his adoptive parents died and was going through some documents, was very resentful.
Honesty is always best IMHO.
ETA: My adoptive father is my Dad, 100%. I have never desired to find my sperm donor. My Dad took on my sister and I, not his true children, and raised us, having no children of his own. I wouldn't trade him for the world.
This post was edited on 9/3/21 at 4:44 am
Posted on 9/3/21 at 5:41 am to secfballfan
I had an uncle that was adopted. Parents never told him. He found out when he was in his early 30s. He never spoke to them again.
He died after his parents but still when he was in his 40s....was attempting to rescue people from an industrial fire at his work.
Just recently learned that he has no grave stone...only one of those metal placards the funeral home provides; been that way for over 20 years.
Strangely enough I am in the process of getting him a simple piece of marble. Had no idea as he is buried in a cemetery behind a Primitive Baptist church in the middle of nowhere. I only discovered it cause I was feeling down and went to visit old ghosts.
Personally, I would tell her now. Might be a shock but I think she will be fine as long as you square with her before letting her live half her life.
He died after his parents but still when he was in his 40s....was attempting to rescue people from an industrial fire at his work.
Just recently learned that he has no grave stone...only one of those metal placards the funeral home provides; been that way for over 20 years.
Strangely enough I am in the process of getting him a simple piece of marble. Had no idea as he is buried in a cemetery behind a Primitive Baptist church in the middle of nowhere. I only discovered it cause I was feeling down and went to visit old ghosts.
Personally, I would tell her now. Might be a shock but I think she will be fine as long as you square with her before letting her live half her life.
Posted on 9/3/21 at 5:47 am to sabanisarustedspoke
Shut up, dumbass. There’s no “right “ answer here. Get out and take your run-on sentence drivel with you.
Posted on 9/3/21 at 5:51 am to armsdealer
quote:
What, you’d rather wait until she does a DNA test at some point in her life??? I’d much rather find out from my parents than 23 and me.
If the mom died years ago I doubt she took one.
OPs wife is from there and the tests just give you your origin basically. It’s not like the tests tell you who your parents are.
Posted on 9/3/21 at 6:03 am to secfballfan
We can give advice but only you and your wife will know what to do. Sounds like you already know what is best but just want some confirmation. IMO the mistake was not telling her a long time ago, but this is not knowing how tight of a bond your wife and you have with her. I think you definitely tell her, sooner rather than later. She is already asking questions. Last thing you need is her doing a ancestry test without your knowledge and her finding out on her own that you haven't been honest. She will be mad for sure when you tell her but she may never forgive if she finds out on her own. Good luck dude, man this is tough one.
This post was edited on 9/3/21 at 6:04 am
Posted on 9/3/21 at 6:03 am to fr33manator
quote:
Either way if you show her love (and don’t return her like some people)
Well done
Posted on 9/3/21 at 6:07 am to tigerpimpbot
As to OP I probably would not drop this on her at 16 at the beginning of the school year. I would wait until summer because of all the shite they already have to deal with at that time.
Posted on 9/3/21 at 6:18 am to secfballfan
OP needs to tell her. She is at least 16? She already knows. That or she thinks her mom banged someone else. Kids aren’t stupid and she probably has gotten made fun of it.
I would go in ready with all the info she needs. Info about her mom and backup, potential siblings, etc. she isn’t going to runaway but she will want to know and connect with. Answering “idk” isn’t really good enough.
I would go in ready with all the info she needs. Info about her mom and backup, potential siblings, etc. she isn’t going to runaway but she will want to know and connect with. Answering “idk” isn’t really good enough.
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