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Posted on 1/26/25 at 11:39 am to Pisco
That's a very tough decision to make. Have several people in nursing homes right now. Visit often and not at the same time each day, so they don't know when you or another friend or relative may be coming. They get better care when there are people coming and going and keeping a watchful eye on things.
Watch out for UTIs. I've seen sad stories of residents not being changed or helped to the bathroom regularly. UTIs in older people are no joke. My friend took her Mom out of the nursing home because they had her sitting in dirty diapers for hours and hours. Her mother would call her crying and had UTIs constantly. My friend lived out of state, so she couldn't be there regularly and her Mom didn't want to leave town, but after the nursing home experience, she wanted out.
Nursing homes, like most places, are trying to cut costs and that results in care cuts and employees who are cheap and not very good.
We are fortunate to be able to have live in sitters for my Mom. That's worked out very well and she's happy. She does not want to go to a nursing home.
Watch out for UTIs. I've seen sad stories of residents not being changed or helped to the bathroom regularly. UTIs in older people are no joke. My friend took her Mom out of the nursing home because they had her sitting in dirty diapers for hours and hours. Her mother would call her crying and had UTIs constantly. My friend lived out of state, so she couldn't be there regularly and her Mom didn't want to leave town, but after the nursing home experience, she wanted out.
Nursing homes, like most places, are trying to cut costs and that results in care cuts and employees who are cheap and not very good.
We are fortunate to be able to have live in sitters for my Mom. That's worked out very well and she's happy. She does not want to go to a nursing home.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 11:48 am to Pisco
quote:
I’m not proud of it
Please don't second guess your decisions. There is a reason nursing homes and assisted living facilities exist. Taking care of an incapacitated elderly person (especially with dementia) is an all-encompassing task that is very often too much for one person to handle. Your stepdad will be taken down with her if he attempts to do it alone, and the cost of in-home care will make a nursing home look like Wal Mart prices. FWIW, I've had a front row seat to a very similar situation.
There is no great solution for a person in your circumstances. You will feel guilty either way, but just do the best that you can for your mom, and that will be enough. Good luck with everything, and prayers for your family.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 11:54 am to Pisco
Sitting here as we speak in the ER waiting on Catscan results from my Mom’s fall at the home this morning.
My thoughts are with you OP.
While the home is easier than dealing with things at the house the truth is it is always going to be something. Just smile and let her know you care.
My thoughts are with you OP.
While the home is easier than dealing with things at the house the truth is it is always going to be something. Just smile and let her know you care.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 12:00 pm to liz18lsu
quote:
she is in at-home hospice
did this with my dad until he died last Tuesday. He was in a nursing home for the year prior as my mom couldnt physically do it anymore. We brought him home a week before he died.
This part of life really does suck. It makes me wish for a simpler time, big plot of family land, where we can just take care of each other until its our time.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 12:01 pm to Pisco
You're doing the right thing.
BOLO for UTI's.
BOLO for UTI's.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 12:06 pm to jamiegla1
quote:
This part of life really does suck. It makes me wish for a simpler time, big plot of family land, where we can just take care of each other until its our time.
We've gotten so good at keeping our bodies going that our brains hit the expiration date first. Used to it was the other way around.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 12:18 pm to Pisco
quote:
Her potassium bottomed out
Sorry to hear my wife’s mom had this (low sodium levels) and passed two weeks after in hospice at her home.
Prayers sent and best wishes ??
Posted on 1/26/25 at 12:22 pm to liz18lsu
quote:
My mom's cancer spread to her brain and as of Friday she is in at-home hospice. The woman who I took skydiving at 50, who was so fearless & strong now looks like a concentration camp prisoner. She weighs 94 pounds, is weak, can't eat. She is skin and bones. It started as stomach cancer, which they removed, along with a bunch of other organs, partially. She did one round of chemo/radiation and said "No thanks". My husband and I went and spent the day with her & my Dad yesterday. It was a good visit. Asking about "how much longer" or burial plans (she is not a FL native) are tough conversations. Prayers to all dealing with declining loved ones.
I just went through this with my old man. I moved up to Iowa for 6 weeks along with my brother and sister in law and we made the best of his 30 day notice, and he died on day 30. Then we buried him. It was an awful experience that as time passes, we will look back on with fond memories—an event that brought the rest of us back close together for the first time since we all spread out all over the country.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 12:28 pm to ultratiger89
Low sodium was my mother's first symptom nine years ago. It caused a seizure that put her in the hospital. Her Dr. said it might be the tip of the iceberg. She bounced back and nothing happened for a couple of years, then she had more seizures and that's when the memory problems and personality changes started. Very slowly at first, then accelerating. It started to get very noticeable about four years ago and the last two years were really hard on everybody.
What made it worse was she had a degenerative hip and couldn't have it replaced because of the dementia.. So she was in pain all the time which contributed to her cognitive decline.
What made it worse was she had a degenerative hip and couldn't have it replaced because of the dementia.. So she was in pain all the time which contributed to her cognitive decline.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 12:53 pm to Lsutigerturner
quote:Don’t beat yourself up about it. Things happen for a reason. Just move on and be the best son and parent you can be. Control what you can control.
I’m almost 40, I decided to wait till middle age before having my first child just turned 1 year old. I am terrified my kids won’t really remember their grandmother and my mom. I fricked up
OP: Sucks, sorry to hear of this issue. Good luck and remember the good times and what she did for you.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 1:01 pm to Pisco
Sounds like you did what was best for her. So thankful that he pushes towards 99, my Dad still has all his mental faculties and is able to get around with the occasional use of a cane. His wife is a youthful 85 and they have a fulltime in-house caretaker that drives them to appointments and is there in case they need something immediately. Not everyone has that luxury.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 1:03 pm to soccerfüt
As an old fart whose time clock is running down faster & faster every year, I watched my mother last into her early 90's. But with dementia that worsened every year. Later, the same with my MIL. Have made it through prostate cancer & recently, major brain surgery after a fall that caused bleeding on the brain. I am in good shape now, however....relative for my age anyway, no major problems at all. But having watched both live & suffer in their later lives, the effects of that on our families, I've decided that I won't put my family through any of that. Haven't decided "how" yet but I've told my family what my intentions will be.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 1:06 pm to Harlan County USA
quote:
I could tell you some moves to make but only if you need me to.
If you don’t mind some sharing here it would be helpful.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 1:14 pm to Keltic Tiger
quote:
But having watched both live & suffer in their later lives, the effects of that on our families, I've decided that I won't put my family through any of that. Haven't decided "how" yet but I've told my family what my intentions will be.
I'm probably a little younger than you but I've made the same decision.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 1:17 pm to liz18lsu
quote:
She did one round of chemo/radiation and said "No thanks"
Very hard to hear. We went through the same with my mom last year and I struggled a lot to accept her decision to forego chemo and enter at home hospice. Make the most of the time you have with her. It’s a tough situation, but there’s something of a silver lining in that you get to spend time with her all the way to the end… Wishing you the best.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 1:26 pm to i am dan
quote:
The 2nd half of life just sucks.
Half?
Buddy, I’m 62, and this is one of the best times of my life. And I don’t see that changing in the next 15 years, unless I get a bad break, like Joe Biden, and start forgetting where I am. Trump is 78, and he looks like he’s having fun.
If you live your life right, and get a decent break on dementia and cancer, life will be great up until the climactic fall or sickness, and then you’re gone within six months. And when my mom was in those last months, she knew it, and she wasn’t upset about it. She was fine.
It’s all mainly hard on the survivors, like the OP.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 1:33 pm to Pisco
Prayers sent brother. You did the right thing
Posted on 1/26/25 at 3:35 pm to Pisco
Go and visit on a random schedule .. ask questions of the staff and voice any and all concerns.
I work in a lTC facility and when it’s my parents time, this is my plan.
God bless .. it’s not eay.
I work in a lTC facility and when it’s my parents time, this is my plan.
God bless .. it’s not eay.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 3:36 pm to Penrod
quote:
Buddy, I’m 62, and this is one of the best times of my life. And I don’t see that changing in the next 15 years, unless I get a bad break, like Joe Biden, and start forgetting where I am. Trump is 78, and he looks like he’s having fun.
We are going through something similar now with our parents. It seems like things start getting exponentially worse around 80, even if fake darn good care of yourself.
I’ve got older parents and 60’s and 70’s seemed like a pretty good time.
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