re: Just found out a couple guys I went to high school with recently killed themselves

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With my health, I don't see any way I make it to 60, never mind 80. I already almost died 5 years ago when I had strep pneumonia that got into my blood stream and landed me in the hospital for 3 days. Could barely breathe.

My dad is 80, but to me he's already pretty much dead. He's not living at this point, he's just waiting to die. And it's sobering that I could end up the same way.

But I'm just tired. Life isn't any fun to me anymore. I don't really get any genuine joy from life at this point. I don't wake up thinking of the possibilities of the day. I wake up honestly just wanting to go back to sleep. I could sleep for days if I didn't have to work and I know that's terrible for you. I just don't really know what to do with my life at this point. I feel completely lost.

For those of you who have lost men to suicide, did they leave any notes or reasons why? Do you think that would help you to accept it? One thing I've thought, that if I did do it, I would do at least a 5 minute video to each family member and close friend. That way I would give each of them a parting message and hopefully give them some closure. I would tell all of them that there is nothing they could have done to save me and they did nothing wrong. I would hope that it would make them feel better about the whole situation and realize that it was better for me. Thoughts?

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My dad was a heavy drinker until his 50s, me, siblings nor mom thought he'd see 60. He's mid 70s and still kicking. I know days are limited though. As far as yourself, I hate to be cliche, but have to live in the moment. Have to live in the here and now. That's the only way to live. I can struggle with it, but for the most part, I learned how to live that way. I was a heavy drinker, smoker, until 40. I still sadly dip, wife said she'd rather my mouth rot than my lungs, awful. I guess I'll take dipping 5 cans a week over 2 packs of cigs a day though.

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Life isn't any fun to me anymore. I don't really get any genuine joy from life at this point. I don't wake up thinking of the possibilities of the day.

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Here and now, all that matters. Meditate, (trust me I understand the rolling of eyes, do it). Get some books, Power of Now, In the Now, whatever. Your thoughts are harmful, do less thinking. How you perceive yourself is useless, don't. You can be depressed and become awake and present, deathbed, awake and present, doesn't matter. You owe it to yourself and loved ones to do it. Our parents die, we die, our kids die, same with grandkids, it's all good, enjoy right now.

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I just don't agree with modern therapist.

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I disagree. My therapist has helped me and my anxiety issues immensely over the last almost 9 years.

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MountaineerSaint1983

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Don’t stop fighting my friend.

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Therapy is just paying to talk to a lib until you agree with them

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That is a short sighted mentality and people thinking this way probably has significantly contributed to the increase in suicide in middle aged men. No one should ever be ashamed of getting help. Also, if your therapist is discussing their political viewpoints during a session then they suck at their job and shouldn’t be a therapist.

Your post resembles how I felt over the last year and a half. My first post on page 2 explained what caused this. Prior to that, I still battled anxiety and depression.

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But do you live life simply to keep your family and friends from having that pain?

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This exact thought has crossed my mind many times. It’s funny, a similar discussion popped up on the SECr and there was little sympathy for those that go through with it. At least people in here understand why someone would end things.

The big thing that’s changed for me is I have a 9 month old daughter.

I’m over my ex being a whore, but now my anxieties and depression center around being middle class-poor. I’ve had to completely alter my lifestyle. Her leaving also dented my confidence. I feel fat, ugly, unattractive, etc. I don’t get the good vibes when I hit the gym. Like you, I’d rather be asleep.

I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you. Just know you aren’t alone.

My female cousin killed herself at age 39. She had 3 kids age 2 and maybe age 10 and 12.

Good actress. You would have never known anything was wrong in her life.

Her mother and sisters are conspiracy theorists and think the husband did it.

Anyhow, it isn't a selfish thing. Pain is immeasurable and all you can think of is how not to be that way and you aren't thinking clearly.

MountaineerSaint1983:
You gotta dig a foxhole. When the bullets fly past you. Thats when you get up and move forward. Nobody is gonna do it for u. Then dig another foxhole. If you have spent long nights anxiously thinking, you already know this. Dont let them assholes win. Stay in the fight

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Modern therapy isn't adequate to understand male issues.

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As a woman ( no pics, once again, I am old), I can assure you it's not adequate to help anyone in real need. The therapists I've been to are a bunch of women who have never had a rough day in their lives. They have no wisdom. They have Hobby Lobby and Amazon art on their walls ( live, laugh, love, put your big girl pants on, etc.).

At times, while I sat there for my 45 minutes, I felt as if I should be counseling them.--

So I'd rush the session with a bunch of "everything is great," etc., because when I told them the truth, I just got advice from their art.

As someone unemployed for four months, I understand how stressful and competitive life is now. Even when I was working, I hated every minute of it. Two phones, crazy, insane quotas, emails that never stopped.

I am at the end of my career, and I remember all too well a time when you actually left work when you went home.

Now it never ends, and if you don't agree to it, or keep up, you are unemployed and begging for a job.

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MountaineerSaint1983

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How you doing today baw? I don't like how much thought you've put into this. Maybe do something to shake things up and get out of the rut.