re: Has anyone had to move their elderly parents in with you?

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So for those of you who have been here….what do I need to know? What kind of supplies will I need? We have a wheelchair and a shower seat. We’re considering tearing out the new tub to install a walk in shower.

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My 93yr old grandmother who has dementia lives with me. I have an ARLO cam on her dresser so I can check on her. She has a heater that she uses almost every day despite us being in FL. A good cane and strong sunglasses help.

I'd put a really comfortable recliner in her room, especially if she's not mobile so she'll be spending a lot of time there when not in bed. A lot of specific issues, and subsequent advice I would have, is a result of my grandmother's dementia. So, not sure how applicable that is for your MIL.

I'd get her something she can keep on her to press if she does have a fall, or there are specific watches/devices that you can use. Especially if she gets mobile again. Falls really do become serious when people get older & more frail.

I'd think of having a list of things & people she enjoys so she's not just spending all of her time in her room stewing. If a friend can come visit, or even call, that's always good. And just having stuff as a distraction that she can do helps.

So, without knowing if there are any specific health issues aside from the temporary loss of mobility, I'd focus on getting a camera for her room, a way for her to reach one of you if she falls, a comfortable chair, maybe a heater, and definitely a cane.

Just random advice here, but if she loves animals and is able, mentally & physically, to take care of one I'd consider getting her a cat or something when she's out in the studio. Would keep her company and help her to not feel as isolated or potentially alone. And a cat wouldn't require that much work.

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I don’t think she’s at the point of having accidents but it can’t hurt.

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They have some you can hardly tell are waterproof once you have a regular fitted sheet over it.

Do it now.

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This is going to be extremely difficult. Caring for an elderly person who cannot walk is not the same as caring for an infant. Even 100lbs of dead weight is unmanageable for most people.

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Lawd. The time my dad had a weak spell going down the hall from the den to the bathroom using his walker. He hollered for help and I rushed to grab him before he went down in a heap. I work out and am pretty strong, and he had lost a concerning amount of weight by that time but it was still all I could do to keep him upright.

He's gone and I miss him. I'd do it all over again but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a relief to not be worried all the time. Every text, every phone call your first thought is it's bad news. You're always waiting for the next shoe to drop. We had nearly ten years of it, first with my mother, then my dad. I think about them every day but neither of them had much quality of life at the end and I'm glad they're free of all the suffering.

My MIL moved in with us for 4.5 years. She could walk with a walker but for only short distances. Definitely get shower chair and also install handicap bars in your shower. Get a camera or multiple cameras in your house so that you can check in on her if both you and your husband are out of the house. They have them that you can also speak back and forth thru them as well. May need a lift chair/recliner for her. May also need a lift bed. We had a lift bed but honestly it got to the point where she just preferred to sleep in her lift chair because it was more comfortable.

That’s really about all the home furnishings and alterations we had. But you do need to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. First of all understand that this will be hard on her emotionally and she may say things she doesn’t really mean. In our case, my MIL, sold her home and 99% of all her possessions. Think about spending a lifetime acquiring all the stuff you have and then it’s just all gone. We brought a lot of her home decor and took some of ours down to replace with her. I told her that I wanted her to feel as at home as we could make it but it was still hard in her.
It will also completely change your social life. Weekend trips out of town become more challenging because now you have to find trustworthy sitters to watch your parent. Having a dinner party at your home now is more challenging because your elderly parent is there. Hard to say, “ Hey Mom going to need you to stay in your room tonight cause we are having friends over for game night”.
It just changes a lot of things.

I am very glad we were able to do this for her. She is a great lady that always treated me like her own child. She finally declined to the point where she couldn’t walk with a walker even with assistance. Bathing her became too much for my wife trying to get her into wheel chair and then into shower and then back up into wheelchair. I offered to assist but neither wanted me too out of modesty for my MIL. It was actually her decision to go ahead and move into assisted living. I’m glad she did because it was really starting to take a toll on my wife both mentally and physically even with me assisting with as much as possible. And to be honest, she has actually done really well in her assisted living residence. She had made friends, teaches a weekly crocheting class and is overall in great spirits. Luckily we had a very good one less than 2 miles from our house. My wife is able to pop in several times a week and I even drop by sometimes during the day as I’m out seeing customers if I am nearby.

I wish you well. It’s tough. Try to build a support group around you with other relatives/friends so the burden isn’t totally on you both. Enjoy the time you have left with them. And don’t feel like you are failing as a child if it eventually gets to a point where she has needs beyond what you are able to provide.

My mom lived with us for the better part of the last 7 years of her life.

We knew it would happen eventually and when we were looking for a house we purposely chose one with a bedroom/bathroom on the main level. What we weren't really prepared for was the Parkinson's diagnosis not quite a year after moving into the house.

It was good sometimes and bad sometimes. She and my wife butted heads. Blame was probably 75/25 on my mom. At first she was still able to drive and go to her lake house, go visit her sisters, but in time became much more of a shut-in and got depressed because she couldn't be as independent as she once was.

As she got older and lees able to do for herself the more my wife had to do. If mom had an accident or needed help bathing it became my wife's role to help because that's not something a mother wants her son doing.

The one big plus was when our son was born he had his grandmother with him pretty much daily for the first two years of his life. I worked from home but she would rock him and let him nap with her in her rocker. He would sit with her on the couch when she was in the family room or take toys back to her room to play or just show her. It was good for both of them.

The last 6 months were difficult - in and out of the hospital for various reasons; on oxygen 24/7; quality of life declining. She fell getting out of bed one morning and hit her head on her nightstand, gave herself a pretty good gash. Had an ambulance take her to the ER. No damage from the hit to the head but her will to live was gone. She was in palative care at the hospital for a week and then another week in hospice care at a local seniors facility before passing. The worst thing is she didn't get to see my son or daughter during those last couple of weeks. We had planned on a family day at the senior care facility on Sunday and she died Saturday night.

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Long term care medicaid.

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That's it. Thanks. It was a kick in the balls for my in-laws when their mother went into long term care. She had to sign away the mortgage on her house in order to have in-home healthcare. IMO, it's criminal.

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Our plan is the exact opposite. We plan to sell our house and move in with my MIL to take care of her.

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That’s great that yall can do that!

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That’s great that yall can do that!

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Yeah. My MIL is awesome. I lost my own mother very young, don’t even remember her. I was raised by my grandmother, but she died when I was 14. My MIL has been my mom longer than anyone. And like I said, she’s awesome. She use to travel a lot with us, vacations, weekend trips. And she’s always been very close to our kids. When they were little, Friday night was “meme’s night” where they’d go spend the night and get spoiled. They adore her. And even now, my wife, daughter, and her are like the three musketeers. I often joke that I have three versions of the same woman in my life because they’re all so much alike.

So, needless to say, we feel a sense of responsibility to take care of her. And since our kids are grown, it’s quite simple to sell our house and move in with her.

He wasnt elderly.

My FIL moved in with us for a year back around 2005.
He just built a home in the mountains and had 2 years left before full retirement at DeKalb County Police Department (1 yr minus his vacation time).

He was a major. The only way he could keep his county car was if he stayed within a certain amount of miles for his workdays (he'd be called in for a homicide even if it was outside of his hours).

We had him Monday thru Thursday.
We had a 1 year old baby also and it was great seeing him and his only grandson for that year.

We will be moving into a property next door to my inlaws in about a year. My youngest will graduate high school next May. We are my inlaws long term care plan.