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Message
re: Grief is a real Beach. The waves are inevitable. Don't let anybody tell you how to walk it
Posted on 2/26/23 at 8:44 am to Alyosha
Posted on 2/26/23 at 8:44 am to Alyosha
quote:
quote: Group sex isn't a solution to your problems.
Wut
I was pretending to confuse the word “allegory” with “orgy” for comedic affect. Didn’t catch on apparently.
0
Posted on 2/26/23 at 8:45 am to fr33manator
NIce thoughts.
I see grief as a wound.
Different depending on the depth and severity of the wound, the location of the wound and the type of wound.
It also depends on the individuals pain tolerance level and personal ability to deal with each type of wound.
Everyone will have a scar from grief that eventually heals over. The visibility and sensitivity of each persons wound of grief will vary for each.
Best I’ve got. If you have trouble coping, talk to someone. There is no shame or fault in seeking help.
I see grief as a wound.
Different depending on the depth and severity of the wound, the location of the wound and the type of wound.
It also depends on the individuals pain tolerance level and personal ability to deal with each type of wound.
Everyone will have a scar from grief that eventually heals over. The visibility and sensitivity of each persons wound of grief will vary for each.
Best I’ve got. If you have trouble coping, talk to someone. There is no shame or fault in seeking help.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 8:49 am to fr33manator
quote:
It's coming up on a decade. The waves still hit. I can weather most, but the ones I can't, I almost welcome them now.
Time is a strange thing. I remember when that happened to your family. It doesn’t seem like 10 years to me but probably feels to you like it was just yesterday (at times).
Prayers to you Fr33, if you’re in to that sort of thing. If not, then cheers or whatever.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 8:49 am to fr33manator
Appreciate the poem, fr33. This is the strangest damn beach I've ever walked down, that's for sure. My dogs have been the best consolers without speaking a word. Honestly talking about it over the past few weeks has tired me out, but I still can't sleep worth a shite. None last night. Hope you're doing good buddy
Posted on 2/26/23 at 9:08 am to fr33manator
Not gonna lie, I cringed at the title.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 9:10 am to fr33manator
quote:
but you don't walk alone, even if it feels like it.
I agree with all you said but the above line is complete bullshite.
Others may be grieving about the same thing you are. But you take that walk alone because everyone grieves differently and everyone heals at their own pace that is a walk you take by yourself in your own heart and mind. There is no right or wrong way its something we must do in our own time.
This post was edited on 2/26/23 at 9:15 am
Posted on 2/26/23 at 9:11 am to fr33manator
Ten years ago; yes, I remember. Well written.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 9:15 am to fr33manator
I get the analogy but it’s hard for me to visualize since beaches are awesome.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 9:43 am to fr33manator
I will give you the Readers Digest Edit.
You don't handle grief, grief handles you.
I've been through my own episodes, and with my parents both still here, more are to come. In my job I have had to "break the news" to a few people, and been in there when the doc did on several occasions. All I have ever had to say is basically "here are some tissues" but when I see people get angry for whatever reason. Be it a young child lost or an unexpected loss of an elderly parent. I tell them "the worst day of your life just started. through no fault of your own. Grieve! Anything else will ONLY make this awful day worse." one was a dad who punched a hole in the wall. He thought I was upset about the wall. I was upset about his hand. I told him "I give a crap about that wall, but if you break that hand. you still have this loss and a broken hand. if that break needs surgery you will have a forever reminder of everything bad about this day and moment."
I think it helped. He talked to me later and thanked me while signing paperwork. I offered to take them into the room which they declined (most people go, you could tell not going ate at him)I said "there is no wrong answer. I just have to offer to be a decent nure and human being, I have to offer."
You don't handle grief, grief handles you.
I've been through my own episodes, and with my parents both still here, more are to come. In my job I have had to "break the news" to a few people, and been in there when the doc did on several occasions. All I have ever had to say is basically "here are some tissues" but when I see people get angry for whatever reason. Be it a young child lost or an unexpected loss of an elderly parent. I tell them "the worst day of your life just started. through no fault of your own. Grieve! Anything else will ONLY make this awful day worse." one was a dad who punched a hole in the wall. He thought I was upset about the wall. I was upset about his hand. I told him "I give a crap about that wall, but if you break that hand. you still have this loss and a broken hand. if that break needs surgery you will have a forever reminder of everything bad about this day and moment."
I think it helped. He talked to me later and thanked me while signing paperwork. I offered to take them into the room which they declined (most people go, you could tell not going ate at him)I said "there is no wrong answer. I just have to offer to be a decent nure and human being, I have to offer."
Posted on 2/26/23 at 9:47 am to cusoonkpd
quote:
I lost my oldest son 9 years ago. He was 27. Wife and I are still getting battered by the waves that you describe. I suppose we always will. You are correct. The pain you describe has not left, nor diminished. Our world will never return to normal. However, there is a “new” normal for us. We adjust as best we can
I can't even imagine. My heart breaks with you.
My ultimate terror. I don't know how you come back from that. I don't think I could.
I hope you have found some sort of steadiness in your walk on the Beach.
Something. Something to help you walk on. I don't think hell could be as torturous. E-hug
Posted on 2/26/23 at 9:55 am to Ponchy Tiger
quote:
I agree with all you said but the above line is complete bullshite
Fair. I meant it more as there are others walking their own personal beach as well. Not that they are walking your journey.
quote:
Others may be grieving about the same thing you are. But you take that walk alone because everyone grieves differently and everyone heals at their own pace that is a walk you take by yourself in your own heart and mind. There is no right or wrong way its something we must do in our own time.
For sure. However you find your way to walk is fine. I'm not judging. It's never a perfect metaphor. Wasn't trying to say everyone's experience is the same
Posted on 2/26/23 at 10:01 am to fr33manator
Well written. Grief is a miserable bastard. Things do get easier over time and then right of nowhere slaps you I'm the face.
And for people who say just get over it, I pray that the day you experience it is far away.
And it's OK to grieve others differently. How people pass also effects your grief. Like my mom, she had cancer for years and I had to sit with her through hospice, I've made peace with her being gone. Sure, I still miss her but it's easier to navigate then losing my sister. Like what signs did I miss, what was she thinking that moment she pulled the trigger, the guilt is overwhelming sometimes thinking I could have helped. But then also just heartbroken she thought that was the best option. I'll never get over it.
And now I crying.
And for people who say just get over it, I pray that the day you experience it is far away.
And it's OK to grieve others differently. How people pass also effects your grief. Like my mom, she had cancer for years and I had to sit with her through hospice, I've made peace with her being gone. Sure, I still miss her but it's easier to navigate then losing my sister. Like what signs did I miss, what was she thinking that moment she pulled the trigger, the guilt is overwhelming sometimes thinking I could have helped. But then also just heartbroken she thought that was the best option. I'll never get over it.
And now I crying.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 10:33 am to HoustonChick86
quote:
Like what signs did I miss, what was she thinking that moment she pulled the trigger, the guilt is overwhelming sometimes thinking I could have helped. But then also just heartbroken she thought that was the best option. I'll never get over it. And now I crying.
Well, now you aren't crying alone.
I know that feeling. The what if's are relentless on the bad nights.
Wish I had words
Posted on 2/26/23 at 12:15 pm to Giantkiller
quote:
visualize since beaches are awesome.
Think about it like Fouchon Beach. That may help you visualize the shittiness.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 12:33 pm to fr33manator
Posted on 2/26/23 at 12:44 pm to fr33manator
Saying to myself:
“This too, shall pass.”
Works well for me. Especially knowing it has worked before.
“This too, shall pass.”
Works well for me. Especially knowing it has worked before.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 1:44 pm to fr33manator
Very well written, thanks for sharing that.
As someone else mentioned, this can also apply to grief from heartache, or any tragedy.
And especially the part about how it can jump out at you, unexpectedly, long after. It's that random unexpected thing that can really hit you. I recall reading about an experiment, lab rats were shocked at a regular interval, say every 15 minutes. But before the shock a light flashed and a bell sounded for 10 seconds. Another group of rats were shocked much less often, but at random times and w/o warning. The rats that had the warning adapted, and had far lower stress levels than the random shocked ones, even though those were shocked far less.
So when you can actually be having a good day, laughing with friends, and suddenly a random word, out of context, triggers that grief - it's like a cattle prod up your a$$ (or so I'm told!). And then you're mad because you were having a good time, and it was interrupted. You're mad that you're mad. You almost become afraid of having a good time. But if you shut out the good times to avoid the pain, you become a zombie.
At some point, you just have to grow and adapt. You never get over it.
As someone else mentioned, this can also apply to grief from heartache, or any tragedy.
And especially the part about how it can jump out at you, unexpectedly, long after. It's that random unexpected thing that can really hit you. I recall reading about an experiment, lab rats were shocked at a regular interval, say every 15 minutes. But before the shock a light flashed and a bell sounded for 10 seconds. Another group of rats were shocked much less often, but at random times and w/o warning. The rats that had the warning adapted, and had far lower stress levels than the random shocked ones, even though those were shocked far less.
So when you can actually be having a good day, laughing with friends, and suddenly a random word, out of context, triggers that grief - it's like a cattle prod up your a$$ (or so I'm told!). And then you're mad because you were having a good time, and it was interrupted. You're mad that you're mad. You almost become afraid of having a good time. But if you shut out the good times to avoid the pain, you become a zombie.
At some point, you just have to grow and adapt. You never get over it.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 2:17 pm to MidWestGuy
So when I was in therapy my counselor said in those moments. Walk away cry and then come back. You don't owe anyone an explanation. It's helped. Especially in moments where people don't know and ask.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 3:07 pm to fr33manator
Very good post and you’ve described the experience accurately. I’ve lost lots. The most profound are my parents and a best friend.
My experience with each of those 3 is different, but man, when the waves hit, they hit.
But eventually the memories brought a lot more smiles than sadness. You get better with grief.
For me though, getting past regret is always hard though . Regret that my parents aren’t here to be a part of my kids lives ( both the good and bad times). That shite stings like a mofo.
As always, it’s crazy what this message board makes you feel comfortable in sharing. But glad it’s here.
Take care folks.
My experience with each of those 3 is different, but man, when the waves hit, they hit.
But eventually the memories brought a lot more smiles than sadness. You get better with grief.
For me though, getting past regret is always hard though . Regret that my parents aren’t here to be a part of my kids lives ( both the good and bad times). That shite stings like a mofo.
As always, it’s crazy what this message board makes you feel comfortable in sharing. But glad it’s here.
Take care folks.
Posted on 2/26/23 at 5:13 pm to fr33manator
Thank you. I'm sitting here tearing up and needed that. I've shut out so much.
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