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Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:56 am to islandtiger
quote:
Yes you would. All adopted kids are curious about their birth parents.
You are wrong. I have never asked anything about my sperm donor. Legitimately do not care. As I have said before, I have a dad, a wonderful man who raised me. He is my "real" father. Don't make blanket statements.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:58 am to cas4t
quote:
This situation doesn’t sound the same as yours.
I agree and I am sorry some of the attention is on me an not the OP. I wanted to inject some thoughrs from someone who lives that life and would do it over in a second. All family situations are unique, but in the OP's example, the child and birth mother were never given a chance to make their own decisions.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:59 am to HubbaBubba
quote:
So tonight, my wife and I were at dinner at a restaurant and I asked her about it. She said she had written a personal, heartfelt letter to the adoption mother, asking her to share with her son another letter from my wife that she had included. Both letters were returned unopened, and included a note to stay out of their lives. They never even notified him that his birth mother wanted to meet. She doesn't even know if they ever even told him that he was adopted.
Ur wife deserves nothing.
And the comment about ur wife being pissed at Adopting Parents, i have a message for ur wife from them, "Go frick Yourselves".
They don't owe you or ur wife a thing. You should of left it alone when they said to stay away the first time, but no, you dickheads and to keep it up.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:59 am to islandtiger
quote:
All adopted kids are curious about their birth parents.
What a very know-it-all type statement. We get it, you adopted. And you did it the right way. But your right way isn’t the only right way, and situations are different. It’s clear this situation is entirely different than yours.
Again, OP said she didn’t want to interfere with his childhood. Then she tried to reach out, 27 years later. She didn’t want to be around early on it seems.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:01 pm to islandtiger
How was the birth mother not given a chance? I asked earlier but will again, can’t you set those parameters before deciding on an adopting parent?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:02 pm to HubbaBubba
frick man. I don’t know what to say to this.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:03 pm to islandtiger
quote:
I agree and I am sorry some of the attention is on me an not the OP. I wanted to inject some thoughrs from someone who lives that life and would do it over in a second. All family situations are unique, but in the OP's example, the child and birth mother were never given a chance to make their own decisions.
The problem is the OPs wife cannot know with any degree of certainty what the family and adopted child knew or talked about.
Maybe the adopted family spoke extensivly about the adoption and as an adult he didn't want to contact his birth mother.
Maybe the adopted family never mentioned the adoption at all.
Maybe they prayed for the bio or mom or maybe they had her picture on a wall and threw darts at.
If the adopted kid was 27 it means he was born in 1990.. That's not the 1950s where it was a shame to be a single mother.
She didn't want to be a mom to that kid. That's her choice.
It sounds like the bio mom needs a great deal counseling to see herself as a surrogate mother.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 12:08 pm
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:04 pm to islandtiger
quote:
birth mother were never given a chance to make their own decisions.
The birth mother was given a right to make her own decisions. She gave the child up for adoption at an early age and played zero role in raising the child. Why should she be given any opportunity to play a role in that child's life when all she did was give birth to the child?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:07 pm to islandtiger
I still can't understand why the adoptive parents don't tell their children early in their lives. In my ex-husband's case, they were afraid he'd "be mad at them."
When they finally had to tell him-over a beer in a bar- it really screwed him up.
As to why they had to tell him; we were moving up to near where he was born, and both of us were asking questions they, and nearby family members, had to lie to answer. Finally after lying to him his entire life, his aunt told his parents she wasn't covering for them any longer, that if they didn't tell him, she would.
When they finally had to tell him-over a beer in a bar- it really screwed him up.
As to why they had to tell him; we were moving up to near where he was born, and both of us were asking questions they, and nearby family members, had to lie to answer. Finally after lying to him his entire life, his aunt told his parents she wasn't covering for them any longer, that if they didn't tell him, she would.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:10 pm to HubbaBubba
I know you’re getting a lot of advice. But here’s mine.
Advise your wife to find this young mans grave and grieve. Then let it go.
This isn’t a bad attempt at a pun, but any real chance she had of reconnecting with her son died with him. It would be incredibly selfish to knock on his wife’s door right now. She may not even know he’s adopted. And wouldn’t know what to tell this lady claiming to be his mother. She’d turn to her in-laws who obviously don’t want the birth mother around.
It’s a tough situation but she needs to move on. If the grandkids come knocking one day then great.
Advise your wife to find this young mans grave and grieve. Then let it go.
This isn’t a bad attempt at a pun, but any real chance she had of reconnecting with her son died with him. It would be incredibly selfish to knock on his wife’s door right now. She may not even know he’s adopted. And wouldn’t know what to tell this lady claiming to be his mother. She’d turn to her in-laws who obviously don’t want the birth mother around.
It’s a tough situation but she needs to move on. If the grandkids come knocking one day then great.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:12 pm to crtodd
quote:
I still can't understand why the adoptive parents don't tell their children early in their lives.
Because it DEPENDS ON THE SITUATION. My aunt didn't want to be a mom. What should we have done, tell my cousin we adopted as my sister, she was adopted, but we can't tell you by who, to respect my aunt's wishes to be an aunt to her daughter and not a mom? Or disrespect my aunt's wishes and have my sister feel completely rejected by her mother not wanting to be her mom?
Is isn't as black and white as you think. Very complex family situations and people have their reasons.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:13 pm to liz18lsu
quote:
You are wrong. I have never asked anything about my sperm donor. Legitimately do not care. As I have said before, I have a dad, a wonderful man who raised me. He is my "real" father. Don't make blanket statements.
I wish you the best and hope that you remain happy. My husband always said the same thing as you - for 44 years. After meeting his birth mother, half brother and extended family he became very interested in his background and finally admitted that he felt more complete knowing his heritage. He never felt any less for the parents who raised him.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:13 pm to TigernMS12
quote:
That is a sad story and it sucks, but she gave the child up for adoption. Two other people took on the role of parent to the child and they have every right to parent the child and make decisions regarding that relationship, even when the child reaches adulthood. She should honor the parents wishes to leave it alone.
I agree with this. They are the parents to that child in every sense except dna, so although meeting him might have brought some sort of closure to your wife if the parents didn’t want to go down that route you should respect their wishes and not try and circumvent that.
Finding out he died like that has to be a heavy blow to your wife though and I wish y’all the best.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:16 pm to HubbaBubba
quote:
Anyway, now my wife wants to reach out to her son's wife, and let her know, so that her children can know where they came from, and let the wife know that if she needs help, we can help.
Do not Let this happen. She is asking for more heartbreak.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:17 pm to djangochained
quote:Wondered when this would be asked. He passed away in a skiing accident many years ago. I don't know anything about his family.
Who is the dad of this kid? Has anyone reached out to the sperm donor ?
What’s his take
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:20 pm to HubbaBubba
quote:as many have said, THIS IS NOT YOUR WIFE'S DECISION TO MAKE
HubbaBubba
Reach out to the parents of the child if you must. They will make a decision as they see to be best for THEIR FAMILY.
Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:22 pm to HubbaBubba
Your wife needs to leave their family alone.
Eta: down vote? Let me rephrase:
Your crazy arse wife needs to leave their family alone.
Fixed.
Eta: down vote? Let me rephrase:
Your crazy arse wife needs to leave their family alone.
Fixed.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 12:34 pm
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:24 pm to lsunurse
quote:
lsunurse
quote:We have the cord blood from our two kids frozen and we pay for storage every year. This could have potential to save a life in her lineage.
A medical history can be important for many things. Especially if those grandchildren in the future have to do genetic counseling before they have children (the counselor actually sits with you and does a family tree going over what medical conditions they had, when they died, etc, etc).
Posted on 12/31/17 at 12:25 pm to HubbaBubba
quote:
We have the cord blood from our two kids frozen and we pay for storage every year. This could have potential to save a life in her lineage.
Ok
You aren't really looking for advice.
You want reassuring for a decision you and your wife have already made.
This will blow up in your face.
Keep us updated
Thanks
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